Rules for a Monogamous Affair

There are not Rules set in stone, each one of us has their own personality.  But I have some tips that worked for me, see the about page, and I am going to share these tips in here for everyone’s benefit, including my own:

  1. Be Monogamous. Chances are that you are having sex with your spouse, and that is OK; but not other partners shall be in the picture.  If you believe so, this is not for you, you might want to look elsewhere for a conversation or for whatever you are looking for.
  2. Have the intention of having the Monogamous Affair as a Long Term Relationship.  It is no different than dating, actually it is just like dating, just better.
  3. A Monogamous Affair is not just for the sex.  Two individuals in a Monogamous Affair have a very strong bond, a passionate and secretive bond, something that you won’t find in any other relationship of any kind, enjoy it in every aspect of your life. I could go on and on, but you figure out what it means to you and for you.
  4. A Monogamous Affair is also about sex. Chances are that sex at home is no longer satisfactory.  Sex is not a relationship, and a relationship is not just about sex; but sex is the indicator of the state of a relationship, be it a marriage or an Affair.  Once the sex is no longer there or no longer satisfactory, nor is the relationship.  If you want to have a relationship without sex, by all mean go for it, I believe it is called a Platonic Relationship.
    Keep in mind that kissing is a sexual act, so is oral sex.  There have been articles written about kiss-only relationships where two people get together and just make out; or where there is sex but no intercourse.  If that’s what the two lovers want, it will be ok as long as it remains a Monogamous Affair.
  5. No L-word. “Love” is a very though concept.  If you are in a Monogamous Affair, and for the long term, of course you Love the other person.  But are you “in Love”? And if so, are you more in love with your lover or with your spouse? and if so . . . ..   it’s a never ending story.  Ban the L-word, and replace it with “caring”.  “I care about you”, ” I care deeply about you”, “I really care about you”, and mean it, and show it.  Care.
  6. Be smart, be prudent. Meet only when it is safe to do so, and where it is safe to do so. Each situation is different, but do not rush into seeing each other.  Enjoy the longing for each other.  Think about it, you are in a Monogamous Affair for many reasons, but one of them is because it has been a long time, too long since you longed for someone.  Enjoy it.  Enjoy it as it is, longing for someone, longing for a relationship, longing for situations where you can step into another world, where time is wonderful and things are magical.
    There are other things like logistics to be careful about, see Logistics for what has been my experience.
  7. More about longing: Longing is good. Longing is what makes the Monogamous Affair work, and I am not going to state that the absence of longing is the cause why you are seeking an affair outside your current marriage, but it is one of the leading causes.  I don’t know why, I just know it is that way.
  8. Don’t have an affair at work! Just don’t!  There are a million reasons.  My first affair was with a woman with whom I used to work with, we both know that we liked each other when we were working together, we liked each other more then people liking each other.  But we were too smart and too professional to do anything about it.  I got another job, and it is then that we started deepening from work acquaintances to friends and then to lovers.
  9. Don’t tell anyone about your affair, do not tall your friend, nobody. And there are exception to the rule.  My first lover had a very close girlfriend with whom she’d been friend since high school, and she told her after a few months we were together.  I even met her girlfriend a few times, and after seeing how happy we were she though about pursuing a Monogamous Affair herself; at one point I even introduced her to a friend of mine, but nothing happened.
    My second lover told her sister-in-law, her hubby’s brother’s wife.  They were close friends and the two brothers were a lot alike: boring and clueless.  After she and I ended, this sister in law actually called me once out of the blue and invited me to have a drink at her house.  I did go, it was an interesting conversation, I believe she wanted to start something, I just could not bear myself to go ahed because of the situation and because there was not chemistry, no spark.
    I do have one buddy with whom I went to high school with, he lives far away across the country and I told him once about the second affair while I was in it; and we talked about Monogamous Affairs.  He was in the middle of separating from his wife, I believe that if he had a Monogamous Affair he would still be married, and everyone would be happier.
    Another buddy of mine is very religious, and he would not condone and understand it.
  10. Tell your spouse about the other person.  Of course I am not saying that your spouse needs to know that you are having the affair, but tell them that you know a person named . . . . and tell the truth, or make up a truth about how you know this person: volunteer work, friend of a friend, met during the course of business, former co-worker.   My first lover was a former co-worker, my wife and I have been to her house when she and her husband gave a couple of parties; and she and her husband came to our house when my wife and I gave a couple of parties.  My second lover and I became involved in volunteering for a non-profit after we started seeing each other; my wife knew of her, and met her a couple of times socially.  I never met her hubby.

13 responses

12 01 2014

Wonderful tips! Thank you. I will use all except that last one. We are new and town and I know no one. No need to raise suspicions :-).

8 03 2015
any advice

I see on here that several of you have had this relationship going on for a long time. I am on year 3. neither of us can/want to change our current home situation. Lately I just feel like he has been distant, most likely busy, but it bothers me a little. just a quick text would be nice. sometime I just feel like I think about him too much, I am maintaining my home life very well,
I know he cares about me, he refers to me as his girlfriend, he is the one who brought up the monogamy status. tells me he loves me at times.
How do you maintain this relationship for so long? I always want to spend more time with him but our time is always so limited.

25 08 2015

I just got out of a 5 year affair 2 weeks ago. Once you start really missing and caring about the other person it’s time to go. You start spending your time dreaming and longing and whether you admit it or not, it affects your life. I unfortunately waited too long and there was a huge blow up and my affair partners spouse found out. They’ve been married forty years and I have no idea what story my partner told his spouse. Was it one night, was I the pursuer, or the truth? We got caught up in a long term relationship.

1 09 2015

Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater! A Monogamous Affair is a wonderful thing in your life, under the premises that remains a Monogamous Affair and nobody tries to change the dynamics by wanting or expecting more because is that expectation of more that ruins everything.

Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater!

31 05 2016

what is everyone’s views on trust? can you trust your affair partner completely???

1 06 2016

You can trust your right affair partner. You cannot trust the wrong affair partner.
Generic answer, I know, but it is the truth.
I stress the importance of the Monogamous part, because if both Lovers are seeking a Monogamous Affair, the aspect of secrecy and the Monogamous aspect of the relationship creates a bond stronger than any other relationship.
Of course out there there are individuals that look at affairs as an excuse for casual sex’ nothing wrong if that’s what one wants; but an affair based on casual sex is just that, casual sex.
Read my “FWB: Friends with benefits” article.
Chances are that if you have doubts about your Affair Partner, you actually don’t trust your Affair Partner; and if that’s the case it’s not a good premise for any relationship.

3 11 2016

Is it normal to want to stay married but be deliriously happy with your partner…. I adore this man and he has made me a better person….he never uses the word love but he sure does act like it…. When we are together, it is amazing….the eye contact…the excitement of even mundane conversations… our emails are beautiful, deep, and sexy…. sometimes intellectual…. we mesh on every level….neither of us want a divorce or would be right in a marriage with each other…..our spouses are perfect for us… We know this …. and we love them…. But with each other, in our affair, we are phenomenal…it just works….it took a lot to get here but we can’t seem to imagine life apart …he knows me, he can read me and I , him…. We breathe together and our hearts beat together……

3 11 2016

What the two of you is special, very special, and it takes two very special people to make it work.
What you have is exactly what I am advocating, and – in turn – makes your marriages better for everyone involved.

Enjoy what you have, and I wish you all the best in your Monogamous Affair.

Khandi, thank you for sharing your story.

12 01 2017

Ugh, I love this… I want this… 😦 I wish you the very best in maintaining this amazing bond you have found with your man. It is special and should always be honored and treasured. xoxo

27 02 2017

I know your post was last year. Are you still in the same relationship ? I’m trying to get a feel of how long I will continue to be this deliriously satisfied with my partner. I’m almost two years
I too never ever see myself leaving my marriage

13 01 2017

What do you if you get sad when you are away from your partner?

13 01 2017

Being happy when you have happy times is normal.
When we are apart from our happy times, it’s normal to miss those time. It’s like any other type or relationship, we miss the person and we want more, and more, and more. That’s part of the longing.

It’s good to have someone for whom we long for, very good. Beats the alternative of having nobody that we long for.
It comes with the territory, even more so in a Monogamous Affair.

2 06 2017

I am sooooo happy to run across this site! I did not know this type of affiar had a name…it is comforting. I just recently got involved with someone, just 2 months now, but we are both sure it is something monogamous and long term. It is amazingly wonderful, but I am having a very difficult time navigating my emotions. It started while my husband was out of town, which made it easy at that point. After it got more complicated…I am up and down and happy and sad and I have trouble waiting to see him! The longing is wonderful knowing it will eventually be fullfilled, but the in between time makes me crazy! Unfortunately, we live in the same neighborhood and are spouses and us all know eachother. Not ideal. We are trying very hard to be cautious and have trouble finding places to meet…communication is difficult as well…I have so many questions and confusions…any advise for a newbee who has never done anything like this before? I feel like this man is so deep under my skin that I can’t stop imagining our next connection. It is never enough.

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