There are not Rules set in stone, each one of us has their own personality. But I have some tips that worked for me, see the about page, and I am going to share these tips in here for everyone’s benefit, including my own:
- Be Monogamous. Chances are that you are having sex with your spouse, and that is OK; but not other partners shall be in the picture. If you believe so, this is not for you, you might want to look elsewhere for a conversation or for whatever you are looking for.
- Have the intention of having the Monogamous Affair as a Long Term Relationship. It is no different than dating, actually it is just like dating, just better.
- A Monogamous Affair is not just for the sex. Two individuals in a Monogamous Affair have a very strong bond, a passionate and secretive bond, something that you won’t find in any other relationship of any kind, enjoy it in every aspect of your life. I could go on and on, but you figure out what it means to you and for you.
- A Monogamous Affair is also about sex. Chances are that sex at home is no longer satisfactory. Sex is not a relationship, and a relationship is not just about sex; but sex is the indicator of the state of a relationship, be it a marriage or an Affair. Once the sex is no longer there or no longer satisfactory, nor is the relationship. If you want to have a relationship without sex, by all mean go for it, I believe it is called a Platonic Relationship.
Keep in mind that kissing is a sexual act, so is oral sex. There have been articles written about kiss-only relationships where two people get together and just make out; or where there is sex but no intercourse. If that’s what the two lovers want, it will be ok as long as it remains a Monogamous Affair.
- No L-word. “Love” is a very though concept. If you are in a Monogamous Affair, and for the long term, of course you Love the other person. But are you “in Love”? And if so, are you more in love with your lover or with your spouse? and if so . . . .. it’s a never ending story. Ban the L-word, and replace it with “caring”. “I care about you”, ” I care deeply about you”, “I really care about you”, and mean it, and show it. Care.
- Be smart, be prudent. Meet only when it is safe to do so, and where it is safe to do so. Each situation is different, but do not rush into seeing each other. Enjoy the longing for each other. Think about it, you are in a Monogamous Affair for many reasons, but one of them is because it has been a long time, too long since you longed for someone. Enjoy it. Enjoy it as it is, longing for someone, longing for a relationship, longing for situations where you can step into another world, where time is wonderful and things are magical.
There are other things like logistics to be careful about, see Logistics for what has been my experience.
- More about longing: Longing is good. Longing is what makes the Monogamous Affair work, and I am not going to state that the absence of longing is the cause why you are seeking an affair outside your current marriage, but it is one of the leading causes. I don’t know why, I just know it is that way.
- Don’t have an affair at work! Just don’t! There are a million reasons. My first affair was with a woman with whom I used to work with, we both know that we liked each other when we were working together, we liked each other more then people liking each other. But we were too smart and too professional to do anything about it. I got another job, and it is then that we started deepening from work acquaintances to friends and then to lovers.
- Don’t tell anyone about your affair, do not tall your friend, nobody. And there are exception to the rule. My first lover had a very close girlfriend with whom she’d been friend since high school, and she told her after a few months we were together. I even met her girlfriend a few times, and after seeing how happy we were she though about pursuing a Monogamous Affair herself; at one point I even introduced her to a friend of mine, but nothing happened.
My second lover told her sister-in-law, her hubby’s brother’s wife. They were close friends and the two brothers were a lot alike: boring and clueless. After she and I ended, this sister in law actually called me once out of the blue and invited me to have a drink at her house. I did go, it was an interesting conversation, I believe she wanted to start something, I just could not bear myself to go ahed because of the situation and because there was not chemistry, no spark.
I do have one buddy with whom I went to high school with, he lives far away across the country and I told him once about the second affair while I was in it; and we talked about Monogamous Affairs. He was in the middle of separating from his wife, I believe that if he had a Monogamous Affair he would still be married, and everyone would be happier.
Another buddy of mine is very religious, and he would not condone and understand it.
- Tell your spouse about the other person. Of course I am not saying that your spouse needs to know that you are having the affair, but tell them that you know a person named . . . . and tell the truth, or make up a truth about how you know this person: volunteer work, friend of a friend, met during the course of business, former co-worker. My first lover was a former co-worker, my wife and I have been to her house when she and her husband gave a couple of parties; and she and her husband came to our house when my wife and I gave a couple of parties. My second lover and I became involved in volunteering for a non-profit after we started seeing each other; my wife knew of her, and met her a couple of times socially. I never met her hubby.