About Monogamous Affairs

So many questions, so little time.

First of all let me welcome to this slice of the world, chances are that you are here not for one reason, not one big reason, but for a multitude of small reasons, and I bet that you and I share most of them; while each one of us retains our own subjective reasons.

You are here because you are curious, curious about life and about what this is all about.  I don’t have the answers for you, nobody does, only you might attempt to satisfy those questions.  But I can try to address some of the questions that have brought you here, because they are the questions that lead me here too, and a F.A.Q. is the most expedient format:

  • Q.: What’s a Monogamous Affair?
    A.: It is what it sounds like, a long term relationship between a man and a woman who are both married, but not to each other.
    If you look at the culture, literature, the pre-sexual revolution of the 70’s you will find references, anecdotes and empirics that long term Monogamous Affairs were common, and often were credited with keeping marriages afloat at a time when the divorce rates were practically insignificant.
    To this day in modern France love between a married couple means to do everything that is possible so that the other person can life a fulfilling life, and it that means that the other person is going to engage in a long term discreet relationship with another person so be it, while not promoted or encouraged, it passes under the radar, similar to the US version of the “don’t ask don’t tell” unwritten rule.  That’s why there’s a worldwide understanding that in France everyone has a lover.  To a certain extend the same is true in the United Kingdom, we all know about Charles and Camilla, no matter what you might think because of the distortion of tabloid news, the two of them have been lovers for a very long time, as discreet as they possibly be given their circumstances, and happily so.  A true Monogamous Affair.
    Clotaire Rapaille touches on this in his landmark book The Culture Code, a must read for anyone who wants to live an open minded life.
  • Q.: Why Monogamous?
    A.: It’s a choice, surely you can have a series of short term affairs, or multiple affairs at the same time.  If that is what you are looking for, this is not the right place for you.
  • Q.: Why Long Term?
    A.: If something’s good, why end it?
  • Q.: Isn’t that cheating?
    A.: Society would call it so. Just words, just points of views.
  • Q.: This is about sex, isn’t it?
    A.: A Monogamous Affair is not just about sex.   A Monogamous Affair is about two individuals complementing and enhancing each other’s life in order to reach new level of joy, bliss and happiness.  Yes it is also about sex, it is after all a romantic relationship, not a platonic one, but it is not a sexual relationship like Bill and Monica, that is something else altogether. You know that.
  • Q.: If two people are having an affair, and it is a long term one, why not get divorced from their spouses and get married?
    A.:  If that’s what they want, sure!  While “Never say Never” this is not meant for those individuals who want to replace their present marriage with another marriage.
  • Q.: Why?
    A.:  There are hundreds if not thousands of reasons, this might be for you, or might not be for you.  Keep on reading, hand out, comment, post, participate and see if this works for you.
  • Q.: Who are you?
    A.: I am a man, a guy.
  • Q.: Are you married?
    A.: Yes I am.
  • Q.: Are you having an affair on your wife?
    A.: No.
  • Q.: Are you looking for an affair?
    A.:  I believe that a relationship is not something that one searches for, especially a monogamous affair, but it is something that one can be open to, and yes I am open to embark into a monogamous affair with the right woman.
  • Q.: Have you had affairs before?
    A.: Yes.
  • Q.: How many?
    A.: Two.
  • Q.: Why did they end?
    A.: The first one she moved away, the second one she wanted a replacement for her husband.
  • Q.: Were both of your affairs monogamous affairs?
    A.: Yes they were.  I come up with the definition of Monogamous Affair after the first affair ended.  When I entered into the first affair it was the first time I had an affair, and it was the same for her.  Starting the affair was not an easy decision to make, but we did make it, and we decided that it would be an exclusive affair.
  • Q.: And how about the second affair, can you be more specific on why that ended?
    A.: When she and I started seeing each other, she thought that her husband was boring and had let himself and the marriage go.  Fast forward 3 years and she realized that her husband was a jerk and she wanted more from life, and from a marriage. Her husband didn’t change, she did.
  • Q.: Your affair lasted 3 years? How about the first one?
    A.:  Yes my second affair lasted almost 3 years. The first one lasted 2 years.
  • Q.: How long have you been married?
    A.: 15 years as of this writing (December 2010)
  • Q.:  How long into your marriage did you have the first affair?
    A.:  About 3 years.
  • Q.: How long between your first affair and your second one?
    A.: About 7 years.
  • Q.: How old are you?
    A.: 40something.
  • Q.: Where do you live?
    A.: Boston area.
  • Q.: What is the secret of a long term affair?
    A.: It varies from person to person, for me it all starts with being a Monogamous Affair, with the intention to be a Long Term Monogamous Affair.  This is the purpose of this site, I will post some of the caveats that worked in my Monogamous Affairs, if you have something positive to contribute I’d like to hear from you in comments and posts, together we can exchange ideas and create a sense of community where we can learn from each other experience.
  • Q.: What are the benefits of a Monogamous Affair?
    A.: The are many benefits that I have experienced first hands

    1. My marriage, and the marriages of my lovers have improved once we started the Monogamous Affair, and during the affair.
    2. I credit my Monogamous Affair for the fact that I am still married, and I consider being happily married, so does my wife.
    3. My first lover was depressed, she had been depressed all of her life, and she had been in therapy and medications all of her life. Her mother was depressed, and she had been in therapy and on medication all her life. So was my lover’s sister.  After we started seeing each other she was no longer depressed.  A few months into the affair her husband, her mother, her father, her sister and all of her friends told her “I have never seen you so happy”.  A few weeks later she quit medications, a few months later she quit therapy, and that I know of, she never went back into therapy or medication; her mom and sister were still depressed and in therapy and medication.
    4. You will rediscover yourself.  You will start things that you’ve always wanted to do.  These are some examples: volunteering, gym, jogging, train and run a triathlon, pick up photography, start art classes, star smiling more, people will say that you’ve blossomed and look radiant from the inside out, be more independent, eat better, enjoy life, watch more movies, watch less TV, read books you’ve always wanted to read, visit museums and art galleries.
    5. People will think you are more interesting, they will start using terms like intriguing, free spirited, and radiant when talking about you.
  • Q.: Is it possible to have a Monogamous Affair if one of the two is not married?
    A.: Not really.  There are many commonalities to a true Monogamous Affair, an Affair between two people who are both married that bond the couple together: the secrecy, the having too much to loose, the commonalities of schedules, the necessity to be monogamous, et . . . if one of the two is single, or separated, or divorced those items become causes of friction of separations instead of being bonding elements.

49 responses

29 07 2011
In defense of salsa dance – Part 2 « Monogamous Affairs

[…] About Monogamous Affairs […]

23 05 2012

Interesting to read this…I’ve been the “other woman” in quite a few of these

24 08 2012

I have a wonderful marriage but now that we are over 50 my husband has lost interest in sex.Thorough medical workup was negative, he is not interested in Viagra, he is just rather done with sex, which we do a few times per month at best.

He understands that not getting my needs met destabilizes the relationship and suggested I undertake a long term, discreet affair, preferably out of town. We went to several marriage counselors who supported this idea, as our marriage is otherwise great, we have growing children, and do not want a divorce.

My work takes me back to my birth city once a month for a few days. I have thought about contacting a man I grew up with, who has been married for 30 years to a lovely woman who was the first girl he slept with. I liked him a lot as kids (we never dated) and he would be perfect for a permanent, discreet affair. We are from the same ethnic group that does not believe in divorce so he should be someone safe and non threatening to my marriage.

I know men are vulnerable at this age (his kids are grown, wife is sweet but not of his intellectual level, by now sex might have grown less frequent/less exciting). I do not want to selfishly go after my desires and harm his life.

I am disease free, safe, past menopause and cannot get pregnant, and only want the pleasure of his company one night a month. I don’t need to be taken out to dinner, don’t want his money/time/to disrupt his marriage. I have my own hotel room so he does not even have to spend money on that.
I will not call, email, or bother him in any way in between times. We shared wonderful good times as kids and really cared for each other, so we would have this extra dimension of true affection.

On the other hand, given our Catholic background, I would not in any way want to harm his life. Is it unreasonable to think his wife might be open to this, as a very safe, non threatening “release valve” for him? Should I leave him alone and try for one of those “married looking for an affair websites?” I really need affection with sex and would vastly prefer to engage with someone I know and already have fond feelings toward. My thought is that since he has only slept with one woman in his life (unless he has already had some extra marital liasons) this might be great for him, too?

14 10 2012
Bob Rido

Very interesting. I’m in a monogamous affair now. A lot of the points you made about the benefits of a mongamous affair are pretty accurate. I’m discovering the long lost passion that’s been bottled up inside of me and I like it.

4 11 2012

Like Bob, I’m also in a monogamous affair and agree….many of the benefits you have described are true. The woman I have fallen in love with is twenty years younger than I, married to a good man with two small children. We both agree that we are happy in our marriages, if not satisfied. We have found in each other what has been missing in our lives. The hard part? Not being there when your “other” needs you. Knowing you will not be allowed visiting rights if something happens. Not being able to just call and speak to them when all you need is to hear their voice. Making this work requires an effort at insinuating new habits and patterns into your life so that you can carve out time for each other. This is not easy. Hardest of all is trying to keep your frustrations from overflowing into your “home” life. At the very least, you will have to admit to yourself that you do not hold the moral high ground by any stretch of the imagination…

Of course, I’m of French descent and lived the last 20 years in Europe….so call me “corrupted”.. but the moment I met this woman I love, I knew. It was as though we had always known each other but had been separated for a time….and now we had found each other again. She has transformed my life.

4 11 2012

Is your wife European also? Do you think you and your lover could introduce the thought to your spouses that love is not a pie with just so many slices, but infinite? Some of the greatest minds in the world with the biggest hearts, from Benjamin Franklin, Carl Jung, George Sand (a woman), Anais Nin and so many others understood that you cannot get everything from one person and had lifelong romantic relationships with more than one person, and loved both of these partners.
Getting unmet needs met by someone else can strengthen a marriage. Could your spouses come to understand that, so you no longer need to sneak around? Could you allow your spouse the same flexibility (ie I’ll watch the kids Tues evening so you can go out, and you can give me Wed evening)?

1 12 2013
Mrs. Fifty

Thanks for the great article. I’ve been with the same man now for 14 years. Our affair is beyond sex, we are truly deeply emotionally attached. We have been thru everything together. We do not allow our affair to enter into our homes. I have younger children. He is lifetime military. He is in wife #3. I can’t explain the why or how come, we can’t despite trying end it between us. We can finish each others sentences and speak daily for hours at times. He makes me smile and laugh. I’m not proud of myself. I’ve loved him since I was 23. He is 18 years older. We talk about everything, go places together, depending on where he is stationed see one another daily. Yes the intimacy for us both is so deep that our spouses can’t even come close, but its deeper than that. Every night we text good night I love you. I’ve been thru 17 deployments and 2 births with him. He has been my rock my best friend. I wish my marriage was healthy and happy, even if it was I don’t know if I could walk away. I’m not a homewrecker. I’m a woman who fell in love with a soldier who wasn’t married then. I look at him as the one who got away. I have no regrets. I never knew true love until he came into my life, he helps me see the forest thru the trees.
My husband had an affair with a coworker. I handled it in stride more upset that our children were exposed to it. That is what hurt the most. Its sad I trust my lover my best friend more than my spouse. But we are together for the kids. Sleep in seperate bedrooms. I think he is having another affair. If she can give him what I can’t then all I ask is keep it away from our kids.
Please don’t judge me you don’t know my story. I am proud of my lover of almost 15 years. No regrets. We have shared some of the best times of our lives together.
I joke I am going to write a book about us. I can’t imagine my life without him. Thanks for listening.

4 01 2014
heart of gold. and silver.

I have been married for almost 6 years, and have 2 children. I am deeply in love with my husband, and have a wonderful marriage which many people would be envious of. I have no complaints about him, or our life, aside from the fact it is full of monotony and all the boring things that come along with working full time and raising small children.
But behind all this, is a another man who is a huge part of my life. And no one knows about him. This is someone at my place of work (I work in a large hospital). About 2 years into my marriage, we started conversating, and flirting, which lead to exchanging emails of poems, quotes, thoughts on life, and eventually desires of each other. We started meeting secretly for nothing other than company and just became closer and closer.
Let me back up for a second and add that he is also happily married, with now 2 children of his own as well.
Anyway, my family and I moved out of town for a year. During that time, my he and I continued to exchange emails and occasional phone calls. We ended up moving back and I returned to my job.
I went through my second pregnancy with him, but it didn’t bother him. It didn’t stop us. He is one of my best friends.
Ever since i returned we have gotten closer and closer. We never even had actual full blown sex until a little over a year ago. It has been almost 4 years since we started talking. We both are on the same page as far as wanting to stay married and not interfere with raising our children. Our opportunities of seeing each other are few and far between, sometimes once a week sometimes we have to go a month in between. But we just get by with what we can.
There is such a weird dynamic in this relationship, I have a hard time understanding it, and how we can both have respect for our spouses and each other’s marriages but continue seeing each other and emailing regularly, usually almost every day. We have verbalized in round about ways that we love each other, but don’t ever say it up front as we know that would make things more difficult in the long run. But it is known, and felt. I cannot imagine my life without him. I don’t know how long this will last.. But it had never interfered with my marriage. This man just fills an empty void in my heart I didn’t even know was there. He makes me smile. We fit into each other’s lives so perfectly, so powerfully, it cannot be ignored.

4 01 2014

Thank you for your comment, yours is a wonderful story, and a great example of how a Monogamous Affair can enhance everyone’s life.

14 01 2014

That’s so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

15 06 2014

I have been in a monogamous affair for the past 2.5 years. Married for along 6 years with 2 beautiful boys. I met my lover when he moved in next door. My husband and him are both military. I could feel the chemistry instantly. We flirted and found excuses to see each other and be near each other. Then we both discovered that our spouses were doing the same. It was hard to see my husband so into another woman, this wasn’t the first time I’ve caught him cheating and this wasn’t the first time my lovers wife cheated either. It was the fuel we needed to take our relationship to a physical level. We entered into this to just fill the sexual void in our marriages, bond, be each others companion but no plans of divorcing or marrying each other . . .

I have since moved away when my husband was stationed somewhere else. He has moved to a different location too but we are still in communication daily and see each other as often as we can. Our spouses and us are all friends, our children are friends. I never imagined my life would be like this. I was completely against cheating but that changed after difficulties with my husband’s fidelity and then meeting this amazing man. He’s older than me and I’m like a moth to a flame. We complete each other. We’ve tried to end the affair but we both always come back. There’s so much emotion and it’s hard to keep at bay when it’s all a secret. He’s my best friend. We both know each other better than anyone else does. Tell each other our most intimate secrets. But it’s just us.

It’s terribly hard. It’s terribly emotional. He’s very disciplined in not letting his emotions control him but I find it more difficult. I want to marry this man even though I know I never want to divorce my husband. We both love our kids too much and don’t want broken families. It’s sick and twisted but we are keeping our marriages alive this way. I hate it but it’s true.

If I could go back and erase this affair, I would. I’m so obsessed with him that I can’t function without him now. He loves me dearly and doesn’t want to lose me. But we know we can be together. I’m on a never say never cloud, maybe one day we will be. I would rather die than live without him. He’s my best secret. I have no doubt our affair will continue for many more years. He’s the love of my life. No one compares. But at the end of the day, my children’s happiness and his children’s happiness comes first. So our love will stay hidden. Don’t judge. Love is a beautiful thing. No marriage is perfect. I hate myself for making the decision to be in an affair, I greatly regret it. If I never did it, I’d never know what I was missing. Now I have the ache of months and months between his kiss, his touch . . . But it’s worth the wait. We are meant to be, even if it’s hard.

16 06 2014

I completely understand what your going through
My affair with the same soldier has been 14 years long now
I can’t imagine life without him
His position and location currently does not allow physical but the emotional part is there we talk daily text and always say goodnight
I’m married unhappily together for our children sleep in different rooms. For sure our son is his our daughter might be from our affair something my husband knows. We were not married at the time just dating. He went to Korea before I knew I was pregnant.
I don’t know if we will ever test as my husband is her daddy, my affair well if she is his she is the greatest gift he has ever given me. I think it’s not in our nature to be with just one person we try our best though
I’ve failed miserably but I have a best friend from it possibly a child and i will love him till my last breath
Best wishes to you
Follow your heart

22 08 2014
Mrs Grey

I have been in a Monogamous Affair (I didn’t even know there was a name for it besides an affair) for almost 3 years. He is happily married and so am I. I have 3 beautiful children with my husband. He has a son and one on the way. We didn’t mean for this to happen, we were just friends. We both had some life events happen. We helped each other. Sometimes I feel guilty and disgusted in myself for all of it. He and I have know each other 15 years, I have known his wife just as long. I love him and I know he loves me too, we have never said it to one another, but its there. we have tried to cut ties, but our bond is so strong we give in. We text daily. He is expecting a baby girl any day now. I am mad that I let this happen, but something in me and in him needed it, it is meant to be this way. I have no explanation, its hard to explain. He is not looking for a divorce and nether am I. He knows so many things about me and I him. It is hard to maintain this relationship because sometimes I want to tell the world that I love this man. That I cannot imagine my life without him. Sometimes we go months without touching each other, but when we do the fire, the bond it grows deeper and deeper. He completes me in a way I did not know I needed. He will always be a part of my life. I see what we have going on for many many more years. I am glad I found this website. Its nice to talk and tell my story. I am relieved to know i am not crazy for feeling this way.

18 09 2014
heart of gold. and silver.

I felt exactly the same way when I found this website. Relieved to know that there may not be anything “wrong” with me after all. Maybe it is possible to love 2 people. I knew that affairs are a very common thing, but the fact that 2 people can come together who are both married and want to stay married, i had never heard of before. But here we are. Thanks everyone for sharing your story.

22 08 2014

I can completely relate! I too at times want to announce to the world, we do confess our crazy love for each other and the fact that you can support one another during life events builds that bond stronger!
Wishing you the very best
Your not alone!
If you need to talk I’m here!

23 08 2014
Mrs Grey

Thank you do much Mrsfifty!

4 12 2014

Need advice. involved in a long term affair both married for a little over 3 yrs. I think about him all the time. Neither one of us want to change out current family situation. but I feel like I get mixed signals from him all the time. when I asked him yesterday ” what do u want from me?” He said he can’t allow himself to to love one more then the other so he keeps his guard up” I get that, but I think I have let mine down. he has said he want to be exculisive with me, and tells me he loves me at times when we get off the phone. then other times he can be cold and distant, I get that he is busy. I just don’t know how to tell him what I want. he referes to me as ” his girlfriend” I guess I want him to take more of an interest in what is going on in my life, ask me how I am doing.
I am just struggling, any advice would be appreciated.

4 12 2014

It’s good that he refers to you as “his girlfriend” and that he wants to be exclusive, this is the overall philosophy of this site.
As far as him being cold and distant at times, it could be the stress of family life, work and life itself.

What I don’t understand is his lack of interest in what’s going on with your life, the basis of any relationship is “friendship” and a monogamous affair with it’s secrecy clause enables two people to be and grow close very close especially from the perspective of friendship.

With modern technology an email, or text, or even phone call it’s easy to say good night and good morning, and to check on each other: “How was your day?” “Good luck with your meeting”.

This is something you might want to talk to him about, that you also need the friendship aspect of it, being in each other’s life as much as feasible, even if it’s just knowing what’s going on.

15 12 2014

Mine is the same way, distant and cold at times showing very little interest in my life. More than he used to. It feels like he takes me being here for granted

4 12 2014

Thanks for the response, I just don’t know how to began a conversation like that with him. any tips?

5 12 2014

Just start. On your next rendezvous start talking to him about your relationship and how you need to be more into each other’s lives, you know just like friends sharing what’s going on regularly. Doesn’t have to be a confrontation, explain to him that you wish to have a friendship-based affair, no need to bring up the “L” word, but Friends, true Friends share the gift of Friendship.

15 12 2014

I’ve been in a monogomous affair for 12 years in January. We were both married back then, i have moved on and am since divorced. He has not. It started out as just a sex thing that wasn’t expected to last more than a few months at best. We fell in love and never looked back. Until now. I’ve been divorced now for 9 years and dating hasn’t gone very well since I’m already in love. I feel an overwhelming sense of needing some kind of promise for a. Future with us, but by what im reading here it sounds like im not ever going to get that. This has put a strain on our relationship and I’m trying to pull back on what my wishes are and remember how happy his presence makes me and the unfillable void that would be left behind if he were to leave my life. Im glad i found this site!

29 12 2014
What if..

Wow bluerose. So how are you going? Has he made any promises to you about being together?

28 12 2014

Firstly, thank you. This site has made me not feel so alone about this issue. It feels good to know that others are in the same boat, and I don’t feel so isolated anymore. Thank you.

28 12 2014

So do you talk to him about it? And I so how do you bring it up

31 12 2014
What if...

So what to do when you are in a position that you want someone but can’t have them? I want someone but can’t have them. I love my husband, my life and everything that goes with it, why can’t I have both? Is it so bad to want that? Society can be so disapproving with this. Do I want to be exclusive with the person that i love, well no, because I’m still totally in love with my husband. i still have that butterfly feeling with my husband and we’ve been together for a long time, but I have this very same feeling with my other. Why is it that when we talk about true love that its only ever with one person? I know i have found two? Is that possible, and is it wrong to want both at the same time? is that being selfish? Well yes, I guess so.
Everything is so effortless with both, except one knows of the other, is there such a thing as having two soul mates? Is it so bad to want to have both of these people all your life, or must we always have to let one go?

31 12 2014

I have asked myself those same questions. You aren’t alone.

31 12 2014
Mrs fifty

I have a question. After 16 years of being “the other woman”, possibly a child together, a connection I can’t explain and deployments and life, at what point do I say what about me? We are both married. He is on wife 3. I’m still in my convenient marriage, unhappy, unloved, at what point after 16 years do I say enough to both and honestly I don’t know HOW to live without him. We have survived more than most marriages. But as I’m getting older I feel like I’m being selfish saying okay your retiring after 40 years in the military, what about us now? am I wrong to want to spend years of “us” now? I feel so conflicted inside. 2015 I hope for all of us is a fabulous year of growth and love

31 12 2014

You and only you know the answer to this.
You need to do a lot of self analysis and decide if what you have is good enough, if it is not you know what to do.
Then, you need to decide if wanting more is really better than what you have today, if so talk to him, see how he feels about the same, be prepared for any answer you get from him. Like most relationship decisions, it takes two.

31 12 2014

Any advice on keeping this affiar going my AP mentioned to me, that ” it can be hard to maintain this kind of relationship” we expressed to each other that neither of us want this to end.

31 12 2014

Keep your focus on the present time, and how much you enjoy each other with the Affair “as is”; one day at a time, one date at a time. The alternative might not be “more” the alternative might be “no more” of what you have right now.

31 12 2014

Well put, thank you. Sometimes I feel like this is hard, but I don’t want to stop, if that makes any since

31 12 2014

Don’t stop! If it’s good, why stop?

17 02 2015
Uncertain circumstances..

Does sort of relationship eventually slow down and go away with time? I’m in the situation which has been described like the others in previous comments? You say in the advise not to use the L-word and if it does, it could mean that you may not love the person you are with now for the other person. Can’t we love them both just as much as the other? And still use the L-word to both? Be committed to both? The advice on here has been very helpful and insightful. It is greatly appreciated. I do want both, I want that piece of cake and eat it, I want it all. It does hurt to think of the other people involved, but life is too short to not know, and I think living with regrets is much worse.

17 02 2015

A Monogamous Affair is a relationship, and just like any relationship might or might not slow down and go away with time; my position is that a Monogamous Affair is a Long Term relationship, and very Long one.

The L-word is one of those words that is misused so much in today’s world, misused and abused to the point that we all have a different understanding of what it means, and yet at the same time it has a highly charged emotional connotation. Removing the word from the context of the relationship doesn’t remove caring for each other, or the commitment, quite the contrary. Say that you care for each other and then show it; promise commitment to each other, and then show it it’s a lot better, and requires more genuine effort, than just saying one 4-letter word.

17 02 2015
Mrs fifty

I agree, once you start you just can’t stop. I sometimes call it my addiction, in reality I want my cake and eat it too as well.
We use the L word daily personally and we show it in other ways as well. In my marriage it’s sadly just a word that I never say but here daily. Its been that way for years. He does it out of habit, we sleep in other rooms.
If this relationship makes you happy then keep going. Its when you try to change things, fix things that are not broken that problems may arise. Wishing you the best!

17 02 2015

I would not use the term “I want my cake and eat it too”, that’s something made up by overly judgmental people who are clueless about a situation and yet feel the need to dish out judgment. For those individuals who are in committed Monogamous Affairs it’s a necessity and a very pleasant one, sure it might feel like an addiction, but as long as it’s pleasant and not detrimental, a good addiction to have.

17 02 2015
Mrs fifty

It’s a healthy need want that both feel full filled from. Its genuine.

26 02 2015

I ran across this blog tonight and wanted to share a little. I was in a monogamous affair for just over 10 years. My husband is the love of my life but the man I was in a monogamous affair with was my soul mate. Like many other posts, neither of us was leaving our families for each other. We were best friends as well as very successful C-level managers at the same company. We shared dreams, goals, heartache, joy and pushed each other to be the best possible versions of ourselves when our own spouses were wrapped up in whatever petty drama at home. Albeit wonderful, the physical aspect was never the primary focus of the relationship, albeit wonderful, it really was our intense intellectual and emotional connection. Managing the relationship took a considerable amount of work, patience and understanding. Time was never in our circle of friends.

Then he suddenly passed away 2 months ago, and I am still inconsolable. There was no goodbye, no flowers, no condolence cards even though I lost my soul mate. I was alone to grieve with no words to explain my intense grief to anyone. Soon after he passed, his wife found out about the affair and made it public. And with one felled swoop both families, his and mine, were devastated for a second time.

I just wanted everyone reading this post to realize that a monogamous affair does bring so much joy but also does bring ambiguity and darkness too.

26 02 2015

I am very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing of your story.

27 02 2015
Mrs fifty

Tears slipping from my eyes because my heart knows I will be in the same situation one day and I am so sorry. I am truly sorry for your loss and that you haven’t had the chance to properly grieve. I personally worry every day that a government vehicle will come and notify me of his passing. Everytime he ships out a piece of my heart breaks.
I’m am so sorry you lost your forever love. No words come to mind other than you are loved.
Thank you for sharing your story. And for sharing the reality that this could be any of us. I cannot imagine after 16 years losing him. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

27 02 2015

I truly appreciate the kind replies.

In retrospect, the escape of our relationship was a constant comfort. Our commitment to one another was — he promised to one day ask to for my hand in marriage, if in return, I promised to say no, essentially acknowledging leaving our respective families would never result in a lasting happy relationship.

Its like Charles Dickens’ mistress, Ellen Lawless Ternan, who spent years as his “companion”, only for their relationship to be revealed years after his death.

For those looking for advice, it is important to take the happiness one event at a time and actually try to be happy outside of the monogamous relationship. There can not be expectations or obligations. You can not be jealous of the time he/she spends on other interests and need to have interests of your own. The relationship will never work if you are waiting for them to call, waiting for them to leave their situation, etc.

You have to be honest with yourself. Are you in love or addicted with the high felt when you are with that person? If you want answers, you have to ask and be prepared for an answer you may not want to hear.

7 03 2015

I cannot tell you how glad I was to find this site. I have been in a secret monogamous affair for almost twenty years now. We both love our respective spouses tremendously and have no intentions of leaving our marriages.

First and foremost, Hope, I am sorry for your loss. Due to the long term of our relationship, the thoughts of how much longer we can do this is starting to come to mind. Just like all marriages end in tragedy (death or divorce) so do long term affairs (death, discovery or calling it quits for multiple other reasons). Hope’s advice to take happiness one event at a time is invaluable and to be honest with YOURSELF.

You need to “be present” wherever you are, whether with your spouse or your lover. You will drive yourself crazy if you are thinking about one while you are with the other.

I could go on and on about the highs and lows experienced for the last twenty years and probably give some insight to those with lesser years of experience, but just to know there are others out there that truly understand this lifestyle is comforting enough!

24 03 2015

I am seeing a married man with two small children. I am in an unhappy marriage and have told my husband that I am dating, but not of this affair. He accepted the fact of my dating, after my many attempts to discuss and reconcile our differences have gone unanswered. We have a teenager and I wasn’t ready to leave the marriage, when I started dating. I met my lover 3 months ago, online. From the first conversation, I have felt an irresistible connection to him. We have only met three times, but chat daily. I’m afraid I am falling for him. He brings me so much happiness and our connection is so strong. I tried to stop this affair a couple of times, in the first couple of months, but could not stay away. In the past 3 months he has been on my mind everyday, sometimes all day. I’ve been married 25 years and have never felt this type of connection. I feel am addicted to my lover. I have stopped seeing other men, because I only thought of him when I was on a date. I want to end my marriage, but I can’t see the point. Why leave my child, if I’m involved with a married man and don’t want to end the affair. My husband is content to be be my roommate, as long as I don’t cause him and his mother, who lives with us, the turmoil of selling the house and dividing our assets.
I feel I may be setting myself up for a life half lived, as I find little joy without my lover. I should be looking for this with a man that can give me his love and time freely, but I don’t think I will ever feel this amazing connection with anyone else. Reading your stories makes me wonder, since I am not in a loving relationship with my husband, (We have had separate rooms for 10 years and have not had sex in over 8 months) how can waiting on the sidelines be a fulfilling life? On the other hand, I know what we share is very special and I will not be able to walk away. I’ve been reading about soulmates and what I’ve experienced seems to fit. Am I deluding myself?

24 03 2015

Dear ladyS in order to answer your question “am I deluding myself?” you need to first answer the question “In respect to what?”. And that’s not an easy answer since it is only based on your own perceptions which have nothing to do with reality.

But we do have reality, your reality, when you say “He brings me so much happiness and our connection is so strong.” and the also “In the past 3 months he has been on my mind everyday, sometimes all day. I’ve been married 25 years and have never felt this type of connection. I feel am addicted to my lover. ” To me it sounds like something wonderful, extra-ordinary, something that most people don’t even get a taste in a lifetime.

So, what is the alternative? End the affair? And what for?
Because you have something wonderful and tangible and real right, but you feel that you want ‘more’? And since you can’t have ‘more’ you’re going to give up all you have now?

I believe you want more due to the social construct of being married, or otherwise partnered. You have that now, with your husband, How did that work out?
Now you have your Lover, enjoy it as it is, you have something special and wonderful, it’s human nature to want more, but don’t ruin what you have, don’t give up this gift, because of wanting more. Longing for someone from whom you’re only temporarily separate physically is a great feeling, much better than being in close proximity to someone you don’t care much.

So, wondering if you’re deluding yourself, and continue enjoying what you have, your lover, and the magic that the tow of you make together.

24 03 2015

Thank you so much for what you said. It brought tears to my eyes.
I don’t get any positive feed back from my best friend who knows and reading all the other stories of affairs on the web, only adds to my anguish.

The connection we share is magical and beautiful and I don’t want to let it go. Everything I’ve read for weeks now, just reiterates that this is an awful thing I’m doing…having an affair. I am immoral… This will end in disaster… I am tearing him away from his family… causing everyone involved so much pain… I will always be alone. Those are the sentiments and the blame that make me ashamed and cause me anguish.

Thank you for your words. They validate what I know in my heart to be true. As you said this is a gift. This is special and beautiful. Every time I chat with him he reminds of how alive and happy he feels and I feel the same.
I will try to do as you said. Enjoy this amazing connection and the beauty it is bringing to us.
I am greatful for your insight.

25 03 2015

You’re very welcome ladyS.
You’re not going to get any positive feedback from anyone who has not experienced what you are experiencing.
Everyone out there is brainwashed with a narrative that doesn’t take into account what you know in you heart to be true.
You have your life, your friends, your family, your lover, your husband. Each of them sees the same person, but through a different lens; you have to be diplomatic and only share with each of them only those parts of you that they are able to handle. With a lover is a different story, when the two of you are together the rest of the world to become background noise, and you are able to share of yourself with each other at the deepest level.
Nobody would ever be able to understand that, unless they have experienced it themselves.
Enjoying your affair means to enjoying life.
And your life belongs to you, not to your so called friends.

26 03 2015

Thank you again. You are right in saying “Everyone out there is brainwashed with a narrative that doesn’t take into account what you know in you heart to be true.”
My friend only sees heart ache for me and is concerned. She sees how happy I am with my lover, but can’t shake her strong belief that this is wrong and is doomed to end in disaster for me.

I need to stop talking about it, because worrying about me is actually affecting her wellbeing. I try to tell her, he would never knowingly hurt me, but there are no guarantees in any relationship. I certainly never imagined my marriage to be devoid of love and affection.

Your advice has given me peace. It is what I needed to hear, to allow my heart and soul to rejoice in the beauty of our connection, rather than distroy what I feel is the best thing that has happened to me in many years. I plan to enjoy every moment and push away the negative thoughts and worries about what may or may not happen. :-)

Thank you!!

26 03 2015

You’re welcome ladyS. If you and your lover are smart and prudent there’s no reason to end in a disaster.
Your affair is no different than any other relationship, maybe one day will end, there are no guarantees, we all know that, and yet people start relationship every day, don’t they?
And if one day your affair will end, be glad for the time and the experiences that you have had.
When we eat a dessert, we know when we start that once we are done eating, there will be no more dessert; so is the answer not to eat the dessert? Just like life, eat that dessert and enjoy every single morsel of it.
Ask your friend if she’s avoiding relationships because of fear that they will end; or if she only enters relationship where she has a 100% guarantee that it will never en; and if so, where is she getting this guarantee?

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