So many questions, so little time.
First of all let me welcome to this slice of the world, chances are that you are here not for one reason, not one big reason, but for a multitude of small reasons, and I bet that you and I share most of them; while each one of us retains our own subjective reasons.
You are here because you are curious, curious about life and about what this is all about. I don’t have the answers for you, nobody does, only you might attempt to satisfy those questions. But I can try to address some of the questions that have brought you here, because they are the questions that lead me here too, and a F.A.Q. is the most expedient format:
- Q.: What’s a Monogamous Affair?
A.: It is what it sounds like, a long term relationship between a man and a woman who are both married, but not to each other.
If you look at the culture, literature, the pre-sexual revolution of the 70’s you will find references, anecdotes and empirics that long term Monogamous Affairs were common, and often were credited with keeping marriages afloat at a time when the divorce rates were practically insignificant.
To this day in modern France love between a married couple means to do everything that is possible so that the other person can life a fulfilling life, and it that means that the other person is going to engage in a long term discreet relationship with another person so be it, while not promoted or encouraged, it passes under the radar, similar to the US version of the “don’t ask don’t tell” unwritten rule. That’s why there’s a worldwide understanding that in France everyone has a lover. To a certain extend the same is true in the United Kingdom, we all know about Charles and Camilla, no matter what you might think because of the distortion of tabloid news, the two of them have been lovers for a very long time, as discreet as they possibly be given their circumstances, and happily so. A true Monogamous Affair.
Clotaire Rapaille touches on this in his landmark book The Culture Code, a must read for anyone who wants to live an open minded life.
- Q.: Why Monogamous?
A.: It’s a choice, surely you can have a series of short term affairs, or multiple affairs at the same time. If that is what you are looking for, this is not the right place for you.
- Q.: Why Long Term?
A.: If something’s good, why end it?
- Q.: Isn’t that cheating?
A.: Society would call it so. Just words, just points of views.
- Q.: This is about sex, isn’t it?
A.: A Monogamous Affair is not just about sex. A Monogamous Affair is about two individuals complementing and enhancing each other’s life in order to reach new level of joy, bliss and happiness. Yes it is also about sex, it is after all a romantic relationship, not a platonic one, but it is not a sexual relationship like Bill and Monica, that is something else altogether. You know that.
- Q.: If two people are having an affair, and it is a long term one, why not get divorced from their spouses and get married?
A.: If that’s what they want, sure! While “Never say Never” this is not meant for those individuals who want to replace their present marriage with another marriage.
- Q.: Why?
A.: There are hundreds if not thousands of reasons, this might be for you, or might not be for you. Keep on reading, hand out, comment, post, participate and see if this works for you.
- Q.: Who are you?
A.: I am a man, a guy.
- Q.: Are you married?
A.: Yes I am.
- Q.: Are you having an affair on your wife?
- Q.: Are you looking for an affair?
A.: I believe that a relationship is not something that one searches for, especially a monogamous affair, but it is something that one can be open to, and yes I am open to embark into a monogamous affair with the right woman.
- Q.: Have you had affairs before?
- Q.: How many?
- Q.: Why did they end?
A.: The first one she moved away, the second one she wanted a replacement for her husband.
- Q.: Were both of your affairs monogamous affairs?
A.: Yes they were. I come up with the definition of Monogamous Affair after the first affair ended. When I entered into the first affair it was the first time I had an affair, and it was the same for her. Starting the affair was not an easy decision to make, but we did make it, and we decided that it would be an exclusive affair.
- Q.: And how about the second affair, can you be more specific on why that ended?
A.: When she and I started seeing each other, she thought that her husband was boring and had let himself and the marriage go. Fast forward 3 years and she realized that her husband was a jerk and she wanted more from life, and from a marriage. Her husband didn’t change, she did.
- Q.: Your affair lasted 3 years? How about the first one?
A.: Yes my second affair lasted almost 3 years. The first one lasted 2 years.
- Q.: How long have you been married?
A.: 15 years as of this writing (December 2010)
- Q.: How long into your marriage did you have the first affair?
A.: About 3 years.
- Q.: How long between your first affair and your second one?
A.: About 7 years.
- Q.: How old are you?
- Q.: Where do you live?
A.: Boston area.
- Q.: What is the secret of a long term affair?
A.: It varies from person to person, for me it all starts with being a Monogamous Affair, with the intention to be a Long Term Monogamous Affair. This is the purpose of this site, I will post some of the caveats that worked in my Monogamous Affairs, if you have something positive to contribute I’d like to hear from you in comments and posts, together we can exchange ideas and create a sense of community where we can learn from each other experience.
- Q.: What are the benefits of a Monogamous Affair?
A.: The are many benefits that I have experienced first hands
- My marriage, and the marriages of my lovers have improved once we started the Monogamous Affair, and during the affair.
- I credit my Monogamous Affair for the fact that I am still married, and I consider being happily married, so does my wife.
- My first lover was depressed, she had been depressed all of her life, and she had been in therapy and medications all of her life. Her mother was depressed, and she had been in therapy and on medication all her life. So was my lover’s sister. After we started seeing each other she was no longer depressed. A few months into the affair her husband, her mother, her father, her sister and all of her friends told her “I have never seen you so happy”. A few weeks later she quit medications, a few months later she quit therapy, and that I know of, she never went back into therapy or medication; her mom and sister were still depressed and in therapy and medication.
- You will rediscover yourself. You will start things that you’ve always wanted to do. These are some examples: volunteering, gym, jogging, train and run a triathlon, pick up photography, start art classes, star smiling more, people will say that you’ve blossomed and look radiant from the inside out, be more independent, eat better, enjoy life, watch more movies, watch less TV, read books you’ve always wanted to read, visit museums and art galleries.
- People will think you are more interesting, they will start using terms like intriguing, free spirited, and radiant when talking about you.
- Q.: Is it possible to have a Monogamous Affair if one of the two is not married?
A.: Not really. There are many commonalities to a true Monogamous Affair, an Affair between two people who are both married that bond the couple together: the secrecy, the having too much to loose, the commonalities of schedules, the necessity to be monogamous, et . . . if one of the two is single, or separated, or divorced those items become causes of friction of separations instead of being bonding elements.