About Monogamous Affairs

So many questions, so little time.

First of all let me welcome to this slice of the world, chances are that you are here not for one reason, not one big reason, but for a multitude of small reasons, and I bet that you and I share most of them; while each one of us retains our own subjective reasons.

You are here because you are curious, curious about life and about what this is all about.  I don’t have the answers for you, nobody does, only you might attempt to satisfy those questions.  But I can try to address some of the questions that have brought you here, because they are the questions that lead me here too, and a F.A.Q. is the most expedient format:

  • Q.: What’s a Monogamous Affair?
    A.: It is what it sounds like, a long term relationship between a man and a woman who are both married, but not to each other.
    If you look at the culture, literature, the pre-sexual revolution of the 70’s you will find references, anecdotes and empirics that long term Monogamous Affairs were common, and often were credited with keeping marriages afloat at a time when the divorce rates were practically insignificant.
    To this day in modern France love between a married couple means to do everything that is possible so that the other person can life a fulfilling life, and it that means that the other person is going to engage in a long term discreet relationship with another person so be it, while not promoted or encouraged, it passes under the radar, similar to the US version of the “don’t ask don’t tell” unwritten rule.  That’s why there’s a worldwide understanding that in France everyone has a lover.  To a certain extend the same is true in the United Kingdom, we all know about Charles and Camilla, no matter what you might think because of the distortion of tabloid news, the two of them have been lovers for a very long time, as discreet as they possibly be given their circumstances, and happily so.  A true Monogamous Affair.
    Clotaire Rapaille touches on this in his landmark book The Culture Code, a must read for anyone who wants to live an open minded life.
  • Q.: Why Monogamous?
    A.: It’s a choice, surely you can have a series of short term affairs, or multiple affairs at the same time.  If that is what you are looking for, this is not the right place for you.
  • Q.: Why Long Term?
    A.: If something’s good, why end it?
  • Q.: Isn’t that cheating?
    A.: Society would call it so. Just words, just points of views.
  • Q.: This is about sex, isn’t it?
    A.: A Monogamous Affair is not just about sex.   A Monogamous Affair is about two individuals complementing and enhancing each other’s life in order to reach new level of joy, bliss and happiness.  Yes it is also about sex, it is after all a romantic relationship, not a platonic one, but it is not a sexual relationship like Bill and Monica, that is something else altogether. You know that.
  • Q.: If two people are having an affair, and it is a long term one, why not get divorced from their spouses and get married?
    A.:  If that’s what they want, sure!  While “Never say Never” this is not meant for those individuals who want to replace their present marriage with another marriage.
  • Q.: Why?
    A.:  There are hundreds if not thousands of reasons, this might be for you, or might not be for you.  Keep on reading, hand out, comment, post, participate and see if this works for you.
  • Q.: Who are you?
    A.: I am a man, a guy.
  • Q.: Are you married?
    A.: Yes I am.
  • Q.: Are you having an affair on your wife?
    A.: No.
  • Q.: Are you looking for an affair?
    A.:  I believe that a relationship is not something that one searches for, especially a monogamous affair, but it is something that one can be open to, and yes I am open to embark into a monogamous affair with the right woman.
  • Q.: Have you had affairs before?
    A.: Yes.
  • Q.: How many?
    A.: Two.
  • Q.: Why did they end?
    A.: The first one she moved away, the second one she wanted a replacement for her husband.
  • Q.: Were both of your affairs monogamous affairs?
    A.: Yes they were.  I come up with the definition of Monogamous Affair after the first affair ended.  When I entered into the first affair it was the first time I had an affair, and it was the same for her.  Starting the affair was not an easy decision to make, but we did make it, and we decided that it would be an exclusive affair.
  • Q.: And how about the second affair, can you be more specific on why that ended?
    A.: When she and I started seeing each other, she thought that her husband was boring and had let himself and the marriage go.  Fast forward 3 years and she realized that her husband was a jerk and she wanted more from life, and from a marriage. Her husband didn’t change, she did.
  • Q.: Your affair lasted 3 years? How about the first one?
    A.:  Yes my second affair lasted almost 3 years. The first one lasted 2 years.
  • Q.: How long have you been married?
    A.: 15 years as of this writing (December 2010)
  • Q.:  How long into your marriage did you have the first affair?
    A.:  About 3 years.
  • Q.: How long between your first affair and your second one?
    A.: About 7 years.
  • Q.: How old are you?
    A.: 40something.
  • Q.: Where do you live?
    A.: Boston area.
  • Q.: What is the secret of a long term affair?
    A.: It varies from person to person, for me it all starts with being a Monogamous Affair, with the intention to be a Long Term Monogamous Affair.  This is the purpose of this site, I will post some of the caveats that worked in my Monogamous Affairs, if you have something positive to contribute I’d like to hear from you in comments and posts, together we can exchange ideas and create a sense of community where we can learn from each other experience.
  • Q.: What are the benefits of a Monogamous Affair?
    A.: The are many benefits that I have experienced first hands

    1. My marriage, and the marriages of my lovers have improved once we started the Monogamous Affair, and during the affair.
    2. I credit my Monogamous Affair for the fact that I am still married, and I consider being happily married, so does my wife.
    3. My first lover was depressed, she had been depressed all of her life, and she had been in therapy and medications all of her life. Her mother was depressed, and she had been in therapy and on medication all her life. So was my lover’s sister.  After we started seeing each other she was no longer depressed.  A few months into the affair her husband, her mother, her father, her sister and all of her friends told her “I have never seen you so happy”.  A few weeks later she quit medications, a few months later she quit therapy, and that I know of, she never went back into therapy or medication; her mom and sister were still depressed and in therapy and medication.
    4. You will rediscover yourself.  You will start things that you’ve always wanted to do.  These are some examples: volunteering, gym, jogging, train and run a triathlon, pick up photography, start art classes, star smiling more, people will say that you’ve blossomed and look radiant from the inside out, be more independent, eat better, enjoy life, watch more movies, watch less TV, read books you’ve always wanted to read, visit museums and art galleries.
    5. People will think you are more interesting, they will start using terms like intriguing, free spirited, and radiant when talking about you.
  • Q.: Is it possible to have a Monogamous Affair if one of the two is not married?
    A.: Not really.  There are many commonalities to a true Monogamous Affair, an Affair between two people who are both married that bond the couple together: the secrecy, the having too much to loose, the commonalities of schedules, the necessity to be monogamous, et . . . if one of the two is single, or separated, or divorced those items become causes of friction of separations instead of being bonding elements.

237 responses

29 07 2011
In defense of salsa dance – Part 2 « Monogamous Affairs

[…] About Monogamous Affairs […]

14 04 2016
Katy

I have been seeing my monogamous affair partner for almost 2 years. It feels really wonderful between us. We don’t live in the same city so we only see each other every other month, but we communicate several times daily. He texts me the moment he opens his eyes. We usually video skype a few times a week and we text throughout the day before saying goodnight before he goes to sleep. (He is a couple hours behind me timezone wise.)

He’s been married for 26 years and I’ve been married for 15.
We both are very respectful of each other’s situations. He has 3 children and I have a 7-year old daughter.

I have had mixed feelings about the “don’t say I love you” rule. When we first started seeing each other, I was adamant that I didn’t want us to say it to each other. Much the way you described, Larry, I just feel like the word is dripping with expectations that two married people can’t afford to place on one another. But, after our first two months together, he was adamant that he loved me and didn’t want to feel “hindered” by my rules. After not returning the words for about three months, I finally relented and it’s something that we say to each other everyday. I do love him. Very much. He’s become so incredibly important in my life and I can’t imagine my life without him. Before him, I had never cheated on my husband. And, it has surprised me how much I’ve felt comfortable with him and not possessive of his time, his wife or the life he has outside of me. I think more than anything, my fear about using the “L” word was that it would make it harder for me to be okay with a partial relationship with him. But surprisingly it hasn’t.

We talk about almost everything, from our childhoods to our hopes, dreams, fears, and retirement goals. The only subject we consciously stay away from is talking about our respective spouses, particularly details about our marriages. Neither one of us feels good talking to each other about them.

The connection that we have is amazing. He calls me his soulmate and I really think (if there is such a thing is that) that he is mine. Aside from the strong emotional connection between us, there is an extremely strong physical attraction. It’s actually what I noticed about him first. Sexually, I didn’t think it was possible to find someone so incredibly compatible with me.

I feel like we’ve found a really healthy balance. We don’t place unrealistic expectations on each other but we do nurture this relationship daily. He tells me that he doesn’t ever want what we have to end and that our connection has made it possible for him to stay in his marriage. I don’t want what we have to end either. My hope is that we can maintain this balance for many years to come but only time will tell. For now, I’m enjoying it and him immensely.

Katy

15 04 2016
Larry

Dear Katy: thank you for your testimonial. What you have described is exactly what a Monogamous Affair is, with all its benefits.
If saying the L-word to each other enhances your relationship without hindering it, by all means go for it.

I wish you and your lover a long relationship that keeps enhancing both of your lives.

24 04 2016
carmen992016

We all encounter our soul mate some time in our life. We could be shopping or out for dinner, we may be already in a committed wonderful, warm and loving relationship, perhaps married. We recognize each other merely by looking into that person’s eyes. Brave is he or she who can recognize and act upon that one and only oppurtunity we know as the love of our life which will be with us until our dying breath.

25 05 2016
Nick

So glad I found this site.I have been in a mono affair for 3 years now.Well technically we did have a break in the middle though I never stopped thinking of her ..especially when certain songs would play on the radio.
Like a lot of people here she just enhances my life,she really had a big impact on me,I am a better husband/father because of her.
We live a fair distance away so are forced to adopt the less is more policy ,but it works and we text each other most days.
AS to the no L word rule ,that one went out the window,I never knew I would love someoone so intensely,I sometimes daydream of what it would like if I met her first,we are so compatible.
Having said that I have a good marriage to a gorgeous wife who I also love,I guess I have a big heart,there is room for 2 .

28 09 2016
genie

Nick
I’m happy to see a mans view point on this here. Are you still involved in this relationship? I have been reading thru all the posts and keep seeing words like enhance, better, intense. Describes so much of what my man has said to me since we began a year and a half ago. Being the women I have all the “feelings” but when we are together he is quite expressive about his and it’s wonderful to hear. We too have a less is more. We try not to go longer than one month but sometimes it just doesn’t happen.
For me though, the guilt is overwhelming at times. Loving your wife as you do, do you have heavy guilt?

23 05 2012
C.X.Love

Interesting to read this…I’ve been the “other woman” in quite a few of these

24 08 2012
Julie

I have a wonderful marriage but now that we are over 50 my husband has lost interest in sex.Thorough medical workup was negative, he is not interested in Viagra, he is just rather done with sex, which we do a few times per month at best.

He understands that not getting my needs met destabilizes the relationship and suggested I undertake a long term, discreet affair, preferably out of town. We went to several marriage counselors who supported this idea, as our marriage is otherwise great, we have growing children, and do not want a divorce.

My work takes me back to my birth city once a month for a few days. I have thought about contacting a man I grew up with, who has been married for 30 years to a lovely woman who was the first girl he slept with. I liked him a lot as kids (we never dated) and he would be perfect for a permanent, discreet affair. We are from the same ethnic group that does not believe in divorce so he should be someone safe and non threatening to my marriage.

I know men are vulnerable at this age (his kids are grown, wife is sweet but not of his intellectual level, by now sex might have grown less frequent/less exciting). I do not want to selfishly go after my desires and harm his life.

I am disease free, safe, past menopause and cannot get pregnant, and only want the pleasure of his company one night a month. I don’t need to be taken out to dinner, don’t want his money/time/to disrupt his marriage. I have my own hotel room so he does not even have to spend money on that.
I will not call, email, or bother him in any way in between times. We shared wonderful good times as kids and really cared for each other, so we would have this extra dimension of true affection.

On the other hand, given our Catholic background, I would not in any way want to harm his life. Is it unreasonable to think his wife might be open to this, as a very safe, non threatening “release valve” for him? Should I leave him alone and try for one of those “married looking for an affair websites?” I really need affection with sex and would vastly prefer to engage with someone I know and already have fond feelings toward. My thought is that since he has only slept with one woman in his life (unless he has already had some extra marital liasons) this might be great for him, too?

14 10 2012
Bob Rido

Very interesting. I’m in a monogamous affair now. A lot of the points you made about the benefits of a mongamous affair are pretty accurate. I’m discovering the long lost passion that’s been bottled up inside of me and I like it.

4 11 2012
Jacques

Like Bob, I’m also in a monogamous affair and agree….many of the benefits you have described are true. The woman I have fallen in love with is twenty years younger than I, married to a good man with two small children. We both agree that we are happy in our marriages, if not satisfied. We have found in each other what has been missing in our lives. The hard part? Not being there when your “other” needs you. Knowing you will not be allowed visiting rights if something happens. Not being able to just call and speak to them when all you need is to hear their voice. Making this work requires an effort at insinuating new habits and patterns into your life so that you can carve out time for each other. This is not easy. Hardest of all is trying to keep your frustrations from overflowing into your “home” life. At the very least, you will have to admit to yourself that you do not hold the moral high ground by any stretch of the imagination…

Of course, I’m of French descent and lived the last 20 years in Europe….so call me “corrupted”.. but the moment I met this woman I love, I knew. It was as though we had always known each other but had been separated for a time….and now we had found each other again. She has transformed my life.

4 11 2012
suzi

Is your wife European also? Do you think you and your lover could introduce the thought to your spouses that love is not a pie with just so many slices, but infinite? Some of the greatest minds in the world with the biggest hearts, from Benjamin Franklin, Carl Jung, George Sand (a woman), Anais Nin and so many others understood that you cannot get everything from one person and had lifelong romantic relationships with more than one person, and loved both of these partners.
Getting unmet needs met by someone else can strengthen a marriage. Could your spouses come to understand that, so you no longer need to sneak around? Could you allow your spouse the same flexibility (ie I’ll watch the kids Tues evening so you can go out, and you can give me Wed evening)?

1 12 2013
Mrs. Fifty

Thanks for the great article. I’ve been with the same man now for 14 years. Our affair is beyond sex, we are truly deeply emotionally attached. We have been thru everything together. We do not allow our affair to enter into our homes. I have younger children. He is lifetime military. He is in wife #3. I can’t explain the why or how come, we can’t despite trying end it between us. We can finish each others sentences and speak daily for hours at times. He makes me smile and laugh. I’m not proud of myself. I’ve loved him since I was 23. He is 18 years older. We talk about everything, go places together, depending on where he is stationed see one another daily. Yes the intimacy for us both is so deep that our spouses can’t even come close, but its deeper than that. Every night we text good night I love you. I’ve been thru 17 deployments and 2 births with him. He has been my rock my best friend. I wish my marriage was healthy and happy, even if it was I don’t know if I could walk away. I’m not a homewrecker. I’m a woman who fell in love with a soldier who wasn’t married then. I look at him as the one who got away. I have no regrets. I never knew true love until he came into my life, he helps me see the forest thru the trees.
My husband had an affair with a coworker. I handled it in stride more upset that our children were exposed to it. That is what hurt the most. Its sad I trust my lover my best friend more than my spouse. But we are together for the kids. Sleep in seperate bedrooms. I think he is having another affair. If she can give him what I can’t then all I ask is keep it away from our kids.
Please don’t judge me you don’t know my story. I am proud of my lover of almost 15 years. No regrets. We have shared some of the best times of our lives together.
I joke I am going to write a book about us. I can’t imagine my life without him. Thanks for listening.

19 07 2016
KrissyD

No judging here. I’ve been in a monogamous affair (didn’t know that term existed until tonight) for 6 years. I’ve been married for 9 years (together with him for 13). I met my lover 11 years ago. I was dating my now husband at the time. He played basketball on Sunday nights with a group of people and my now lover was playing. I recognized him from earlier in the week – I had just interviewed for a new job and he actually ended up helping me get my job. At the time there was no attraction or connection. But over the next couple years I worked alongside my lover, we carpooled to work together and became very good friends. It wasn’t until my youngest son was about a year old that I started to notice that I really cared for this man. At that time my marriage was pretty rocky, so was my lovers – and I suppose that’s how it started.

We worked together everyday for the same company – his office just down the hall from mine. 30 minute drives to work and home together everyday. He used to always tell me I’d make the perfect wife. He could always turn my day around just by being there – by being my friend.

I used to condemn cheaters. I never thought I’d be this person. I’ve seen my lover go through 2 marriages and 2 divorces with the same woman. He’s on his 3rd wife….this one has been the hardest for me. We’ve been romantically involved now for 6 years and he’s been married for 2 years. Neither of our spouses know and we plan to keep it that way. Neither of us intends to divorce our spouse – we both feel that isn’t a good option. Not because we don’t want to be together – but because it would be a disruption to our kids lives. He has 2 daughters from his 1st marriage and 1 from his 3rd – I have 2 young boys. For me – I don’t want my kids to be ashamed of me (I’m not proud of my actions) and I don’t want them to grow up in separate households. Does my husband deserve to know…….yes…and no. Like other posts on here, our marriage has never been stronger. I truly feel like I can love them both.

So no I’m not judging you at all. I get it. Love is irrational sometimes but it’s all we have too. And it’s the most important thing there is

4 01 2014
heart of gold. and silver.

I have been married for almost 6 years, and have 2 children. I am deeply in love with my husband, and have a wonderful marriage which many people would be envious of. I have no complaints about him, or our life, aside from the fact it is full of monotony and all the boring things that come along with working full time and raising small children.
But behind all this, is a another man who is a huge part of my life. And no one knows about him. This is someone at my place of work (I work in a large hospital). About 2 years into my marriage, we started conversating, and flirting, which lead to exchanging emails of poems, quotes, thoughts on life, and eventually desires of each other. We started meeting secretly for nothing other than company and just became closer and closer.
Let me back up for a second and add that he is also happily married, with now 2 children of his own as well.
Anyway, my family and I moved out of town for a year. During that time, my he and I continued to exchange emails and occasional phone calls. We ended up moving back and I returned to my job.
I went through my second pregnancy with him, but it didn’t bother him. It didn’t stop us. He is one of my best friends.
Ever since i returned we have gotten closer and closer. We never even had actual full blown sex until a little over a year ago. It has been almost 4 years since we started talking. We both are on the same page as far as wanting to stay married and not interfere with raising our children. Our opportunities of seeing each other are few and far between, sometimes once a week sometimes we have to go a month in between. But we just get by with what we can.
There is such a weird dynamic in this relationship, I have a hard time understanding it, and how we can both have respect for our spouses and each other’s marriages but continue seeing each other and emailing regularly, usually almost every day. We have verbalized in round about ways that we love each other, but don’t ever say it up front as we know that would make things more difficult in the long run. But it is known, and felt. I cannot imagine my life without him. I don’t know how long this will last.. But it had never interfered with my marriage. This man just fills an empty void in my heart I didn’t even know was there. He makes me smile. We fit into each other’s lives so perfectly, so powerfully, it cannot be ignored.

4 01 2014
Larry

Thank you for your comment, yours is a wonderful story, and a great example of how a Monogamous Affair can enhance everyone’s life.

14 01 2014
Nicole

That’s so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

15 06 2014
sajf

I have been in a monogamous affair for the past 2.5 years. Married for along 6 years with 2 beautiful boys. I met my lover when he moved in next door. My husband and him are both military. I could feel the chemistry instantly. We flirted and found excuses to see each other and be near each other. Then we both discovered that our spouses were doing the same. It was hard to see my husband so into another woman, this wasn’t the first time I’ve caught him cheating and this wasn’t the first time my lovers wife cheated either. It was the fuel we needed to take our relationship to a physical level. We entered into this to just fill the sexual void in our marriages, bond, be each others companion but no plans of divorcing or marrying each other . . .

I have since moved away when my husband was stationed somewhere else. He has moved to a different location too but we are still in communication daily and see each other as often as we can. Our spouses and us are all friends, our children are friends. I never imagined my life would be like this. I was completely against cheating but that changed after difficulties with my husband’s fidelity and then meeting this amazing man. He’s older than me and I’m like a moth to a flame. We complete each other. We’ve tried to end the affair but we both always come back. There’s so much emotion and it’s hard to keep at bay when it’s all a secret. He’s my best friend. We both know each other better than anyone else does. Tell each other our most intimate secrets. But it’s just us.

It’s terribly hard. It’s terribly emotional. He’s very disciplined in not letting his emotions control him but I find it more difficult. I want to marry this man even though I know I never want to divorce my husband. We both love our kids too much and don’t want broken families. It’s sick and twisted but we are keeping our marriages alive this way. I hate it but it’s true.

If I could go back and erase this affair, I would. I’m so obsessed with him that I can’t function without him now. He loves me dearly and doesn’t want to lose me. But we know we can be together. I’m on a never say never cloud, maybe one day we will be. I would rather die than live without him. He’s my best secret. I have no doubt our affair will continue for many more years. He’s the love of my life. No one compares. But at the end of the day, my children’s happiness and his children’s happiness comes first. So our love will stay hidden. Don’t judge. Love is a beautiful thing. No marriage is perfect. I hate myself for making the decision to be in an affair, I greatly regret it. If I never did it, I’d never know what I was missing. Now I have the ache of months and months between his kiss, his touch . . . But it’s worth the wait. We are meant to be, even if it’s hard.

19 07 2016
KrissyD

Your story is mine as well. So glad I found this site. It is incredible to see so many other people going through the same thing. It’s great to know there others out there who get it – who aren’t judging you.

I’m in the same boat – married, kids – don’t want broken families. But I’m fortunate – my lover and I work together. So I get him 8 hours a day – 5 days a week…its been 6 years now. He totally completes me – we love each other very much. We’ve tried stepping away a few times but always come back. Love is love and we only live once. This is all we get – so it’s my opinion that we live and let live and love as much as we can.

28 09 2016
genie

Wow 6 years and you are still together working side by side. That’s unbelievable. How often do you get together outside of work. I like what you said about “this is what we get”. I have a lot of doubts about my relationship. We are a year and a half.. (my story is somewhere in this blog) We don’t get enough time together or even a lot of time to connect. Just this week we got together rather unexpectedly last minute. He called and asked and I put it together in a half hour. (determined) that being said I didn’t have the time to be meticulous about myself which I always am. So it was me, tee shirt, jeans, flip flops, no make up… HA.. and hearing him say. “you are so beautiful” just melted me. But he always senses my doubt. He stopped me. Said come here.. put his arms around me and said. “I love you.. I’ve always loved you.. (we were together in hs) I’d talk to you every day if I could, I’d see you every day if I could, but this is our life, You have your situation and I have mine, and I would be incredibly sad if we couldn’t have what we have” So yes, same thing.. this is what we get! It went a long way.. he eases my doubt more and more. The trust is there, building all the time. So nice..

16 06 2014
MrsFifty

I completely understand what your going through
My affair with the same soldier has been 14 years long now
I can’t imagine life without him
His position and location currently does not allow physical but the emotional part is there we talk daily text and always say goodnight
I’m married unhappily together for our children sleep in different rooms. For sure our son is his our daughter might be from our affair something my husband knows. We were not married at the time just dating. He went to Korea before I knew I was pregnant.
I don’t know if we will ever test as my husband is her daddy, my affair well if she is his she is the greatest gift he has ever given me. I think it’s not in our nature to be with just one person we try our best though
I’ve failed miserably but I have a best friend from it possibly a child and i will love him till my last breath
Best wishes to you
Follow your heart

22 08 2014
Mrs Grey

I have been in a Monogamous Affair (I didn’t even know there was a name for it besides an affair) for almost 3 years. He is happily married and so am I. I have 3 beautiful children with my husband. He has a son and one on the way. We didn’t mean for this to happen, we were just friends. We both had some life events happen. We helped each other. Sometimes I feel guilty and disgusted in myself for all of it. He and I have know each other 15 years, I have known his wife just as long. I love him and I know he loves me too, we have never said it to one another, but its there. we have tried to cut ties, but our bond is so strong we give in. We text daily. He is expecting a baby girl any day now. I am mad that I let this happen, but something in me and in him needed it, it is meant to be this way. I have no explanation, its hard to explain. He is not looking for a divorce and nether am I. He knows so many things about me and I him. It is hard to maintain this relationship because sometimes I want to tell the world that I love this man. That I cannot imagine my life without him. Sometimes we go months without touching each other, but when we do the fire, the bond it grows deeper and deeper. He completes me in a way I did not know I needed. He will always be a part of my life. I see what we have going on for many many more years. I am glad I found this website. Its nice to talk and tell my story. I am relieved to know i am not crazy for feeling this way.

18 09 2014
heart of gold. and silver.

I felt exactly the same way when I found this website. Relieved to know that there may not be anything “wrong” with me after all. Maybe it is possible to love 2 people. I knew that affairs are a very common thing, but the fact that 2 people can come together who are both married and want to stay married, i had never heard of before. But here we are. Thanks everyone for sharing your story.

22 08 2014
MrsFifty

I can completely relate! I too at times want to announce to the world, we do confess our crazy love for each other and the fact that you can support one another during life events builds that bond stronger!
Wishing you the very best
Your not alone!
If you need to talk I’m here!

23 08 2014
Mrs Grey

Thank you do much Mrsfifty!

4 12 2014
Lost

Need advice. involved in a long term affair both married for a little over 3 yrs. I think about him all the time. Neither one of us want to change out current family situation. but I feel like I get mixed signals from him all the time. when I asked him yesterday ” what do u want from me?” He said he can’t allow himself to to love one more then the other so he keeps his guard up” I get that, but I think I have let mine down. he has said he want to be exculisive with me, and tells me he loves me at times when we get off the phone. then other times he can be cold and distant, I get that he is busy. I just don’t know how to tell him what I want. he referes to me as ” his girlfriend” I guess I want him to take more of an interest in what is going on in my life, ask me how I am doing.
I am just struggling, any advice would be appreciated.

4 12 2014
Larry

It’s good that he refers to you as “his girlfriend” and that he wants to be exclusive, this is the overall philosophy of this site.
As far as him being cold and distant at times, it could be the stress of family life, work and life itself.

What I don’t understand is his lack of interest in what’s going on with your life, the basis of any relationship is “friendship” and a monogamous affair with it’s secrecy clause enables two people to be and grow close very close especially from the perspective of friendship.

With modern technology an email, or text, or even phone call it’s easy to say good night and good morning, and to check on each other: “How was your day?” “Good luck with your meeting”.

This is something you might want to talk to him about, that you also need the friendship aspect of it, being in each other’s life as much as feasible, even if it’s just knowing what’s going on.

15 12 2014
bluerose

Mine is the same way, distant and cold at times showing very little interest in my life. More than he used to. It feels like he takes me being here for granted

4 12 2014
Lost

Thanks for the response, I just don’t know how to began a conversation like that with him. any tips?

5 12 2014
Larry

Just start. On your next rendezvous start talking to him about your relationship and how you need to be more into each other’s lives, you know just like friends sharing what’s going on regularly. Doesn’t have to be a confrontation, explain to him that you wish to have a friendship-based affair, no need to bring up the “L” word, but Friends, true Friends share the gift of Friendship.

15 12 2014
bluerose

I’ve been in a monogomous affair for 12 years in January. We were both married back then, i have moved on and am since divorced. He has not. It started out as just a sex thing that wasn’t expected to last more than a few months at best. We fell in love and never looked back. Until now. I’ve been divorced now for 9 years and dating hasn’t gone very well since I’m already in love. I feel an overwhelming sense of needing some kind of promise for a. Future with us, but by what im reading here it sounds like im not ever going to get that. This has put a strain on our relationship and I’m trying to pull back on what my wishes are and remember how happy his presence makes me and the unfillable void that would be left behind if he were to leave my life. Im glad i found this site!

29 12 2014
What if..

Wow bluerose. So how are you going? Has he made any promises to you about being together?

28 12 2014
Chelley

Firstly, thank you. This site has made me not feel so alone about this issue. It feels good to know that others are in the same boat, and I don’t feel so isolated anymore. Thank you.

28 12 2014
Lost

So do you talk to him about it? And I so how do you bring it up

31 12 2014
What if...

So what to do when you are in a position that you want someone but can’t have them? I want someone but can’t have them. I love my husband, my life and everything that goes with it, why can’t I have both? Is it so bad to want that? Society can be so disapproving with this. Do I want to be exclusive with the person that i love, well no, because I’m still totally in love with my husband. i still have that butterfly feeling with my husband and we’ve been together for a long time, but I have this very same feeling with my other. Why is it that when we talk about true love that its only ever with one person? I know i have found two? Is that possible, and is it wrong to want both at the same time? is that being selfish? Well yes, I guess so.
Everything is so effortless with both, except one knows of the other, is there such a thing as having two soul mates? Is it so bad to want to have both of these people all your life, or must we always have to let one go?

31 12 2014
MrsGrey

I have asked myself those same questions. You aren’t alone.

26 12 2015
Totally get it

I’m a woman who has always been attracted to both men and women. I had been married and monogamous to my wife for 20 years. We’re happy and I never want a life without her. But lately I’ve become physically and emotionally attached to a man who is ok with my situation. We only see each other a few times a year because I live in Spain and he lives in Canada. (I’m a native Canadian but we moved to Spain for my job.) My “monogamous affair” and I have known each other for a few years but never acted on anything until about a year ago. I enjoy him and he enjoys me. There are feelings there and occasionally he talks about what life would be like if I left my wife. He claims that he doesn’t date other women…my hope is that he does so that there isn’t unrealistic pressures placed on our interaction. I do care very deeply for him and know that it’s possible for your heart to be filled with more than one person. I never want things to end with me and my affair. He has told me that no matter what happens in his life that he always wants me. But I fear that when he does actually find a woman he wants to be with full time that he won’t continue our affair….I suspect it’s also why he’s been asking me more about the possibility of me leaving my wife. I’ve been honest with him from day one….I have no intentions to leave her but I really want them both.

31 12 2014
Mrs fifty

I have a question. After 16 years of being “the other woman”, possibly a child together, a connection I can’t explain and deployments and life, at what point do I say what about me? We are both married. He is on wife 3. I’m still in my convenient marriage, unhappy, unloved, at what point after 16 years do I say enough to both and honestly I don’t know HOW to live without him. We have survived more than most marriages. But as I’m getting older I feel like I’m being selfish saying okay your retiring after 40 years in the military, what about us now? am I wrong to want to spend years of “us” now? I feel so conflicted inside. 2015 I hope for all of us is a fabulous year of growth and love

31 12 2014
Larry

You and only you know the answer to this.
You need to do a lot of self analysis and decide if what you have is good enough, if it is not you know what to do.
Then, you need to decide if wanting more is really better than what you have today, if so talk to him, see how he feels about the same, be prepared for any answer you get from him. Like most relationship decisions, it takes two.

31 12 2014
Lost

Any advice on keeping this affiar going my AP mentioned to me, that ” it can be hard to maintain this kind of relationship” we expressed to each other that neither of us want this to end.

31 12 2014
Larry

Keep your focus on the present time, and how much you enjoy each other with the Affair “as is”; one day at a time, one date at a time. The alternative might not be “more” the alternative might be “no more” of what you have right now.

31 12 2014
Lost

Well put, thank you. Sometimes I feel like this is hard, but I don’t want to stop, if that makes any since

31 12 2014
Larry

Don’t stop! If it’s good, why stop?

17 02 2015
Uncertain circumstances..

Does sort of relationship eventually slow down and go away with time? I’m in the situation which has been described like the others in previous comments? You say in the advise not to use the L-word and if it does, it could mean that you may not love the person you are with now for the other person. Can’t we love them both just as much as the other? And still use the L-word to both? Be committed to both? The advice on here has been very helpful and insightful. It is greatly appreciated. I do want both, I want that piece of cake and eat it, I want it all. It does hurt to think of the other people involved, but life is too short to not know, and I think living with regrets is much worse.

17 02 2015
Larry

A Monogamous Affair is a relationship, and just like any relationship might or might not slow down and go away with time; my position is that a Monogamous Affair is a Long Term relationship, and very Long one.

The L-word is one of those words that is misused so much in today’s world, misused and abused to the point that we all have a different understanding of what it means, and yet at the same time it has a highly charged emotional connotation. Removing the word from the context of the relationship doesn’t remove caring for each other, or the commitment, quite the contrary. Say that you care for each other and then show it; promise commitment to each other, and then show it it’s a lot better, and requires more genuine effort, than just saying one 4-letter word.

17 02 2015
Mrs fifty

I agree, once you start you just can’t stop. I sometimes call it my addiction, in reality I want my cake and eat it too as well.
We use the L word daily personally and we show it in other ways as well. In my marriage it’s sadly just a word that I never say but here daily. Its been that way for years. He does it out of habit, we sleep in other rooms.
If this relationship makes you happy then keep going. Its when you try to change things, fix things that are not broken that problems may arise. Wishing you the best!

17 02 2015
Larry

I would not use the term “I want my cake and eat it too”, that’s something made up by overly judgmental people who are clueless about a situation and yet feel the need to dish out judgment. For those individuals who are in committed Monogamous Affairs it’s a necessity and a very pleasant one, sure it might feel like an addiction, but as long as it’s pleasant and not detrimental, a good addiction to have.

17 02 2015
Mrs fifty

It’s a healthy need want that both feel full filled from. Its genuine.

26 02 2015
Hope

I ran across this blog tonight and wanted to share a little. I was in a monogamous affair for just over 10 years. My husband is the love of my life but the man I was in a monogamous affair with was my soul mate. Like many other posts, neither of us was leaving our families for each other. We were best friends as well as very successful C-level managers at the same company. We shared dreams, goals, heartache, joy and pushed each other to be the best possible versions of ourselves when our own spouses were wrapped up in whatever petty drama at home. Albeit wonderful, the physical aspect was never the primary focus of the relationship, albeit wonderful, it really was our intense intellectual and emotional connection. Managing the relationship took a considerable amount of work, patience and understanding. Time was never in our circle of friends.

Then he suddenly passed away 2 months ago, and I am still inconsolable. There was no goodbye, no flowers, no condolence cards even though I lost my soul mate. I was alone to grieve with no words to explain my intense grief to anyone. Soon after he passed, his wife found out about the affair and made it public. And with one felled swoop both families, his and mine, were devastated for a second time.

I just wanted everyone reading this post to realize that a monogamous affair does bring so much joy but also does bring ambiguity and darkness too.

26 02 2015
Larry

I am very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing of your story.

13 04 2015
Sam

That is my worst nightmare. I am so sorry for your loss.

27 02 2015
Mrs fifty

Tears slipping from my eyes because my heart knows I will be in the same situation one day and I am so sorry. I am truly sorry for your loss and that you haven’t had the chance to properly grieve. I personally worry every day that a government vehicle will come and notify me of his passing. Everytime he ships out a piece of my heart breaks.
I’m am so sorry you lost your forever love. No words come to mind other than you are loved.
Thank you for sharing your story. And for sharing the reality that this could be any of us. I cannot imagine after 16 years losing him. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

27 02 2015
Hope

I truly appreciate the kind replies.

In retrospect, the escape of our relationship was a constant comfort. Our commitment to one another was — he promised to one day ask to for my hand in marriage, if in return, I promised to say no, essentially acknowledging leaving our respective families would never result in a lasting happy relationship.

Its like Charles Dickens’ mistress, Ellen Lawless Ternan, who spent years as his “companion”, only for their relationship to be revealed years after his death.

For those looking for advice, it is important to take the happiness one event at a time and actually try to be happy outside of the monogamous relationship. There can not be expectations or obligations. You can not be jealous of the time he/she spends on other interests and need to have interests of your own. The relationship will never work if you are waiting for them to call, waiting for them to leave their situation, etc.

You have to be honest with yourself. Are you in love or addicted with the high felt when you are with that person? If you want answers, you have to ask and be prepared for an answer you may not want to hear.

7 03 2015
Molly

I cannot tell you how glad I was to find this site. I have been in a secret monogamous affair for almost twenty years now. We both love our respective spouses tremendously and have no intentions of leaving our marriages.

First and foremost, Hope, I am sorry for your loss. Due to the long term of our relationship, the thoughts of how much longer we can do this is starting to come to mind. Just like all marriages end in tragedy (death or divorce) so do long term affairs (death, discovery or calling it quits for multiple other reasons). Hope’s advice to take happiness one event at a time is invaluable and to be honest with YOURSELF.

You need to “be present” wherever you are, whether with your spouse or your lover. You will drive yourself crazy if you are thinking about one while you are with the other.

I could go on and on about the highs and lows experienced for the last twenty years and probably give some insight to those with lesser years of experience, but just to know there are others out there that truly understand this lifestyle is comforting enough!

12 04 2015
Uncertain circumstances

I haven’t been on this site for a while and I’m truly touched by the post by Hope. I feel I am in this very same situation. I am married to the love of my life and the person I am in a monogamous affair with is my soul mate. With both, everything comes so easy. I do fear for the day that I lose either of them.
Molly… I think I am one of those that could benefit greatly from your insight. I have been having a monogamous affair now for nearly six years. We have both expressed our love to each other in many ways. We have spoken about this many times and we have missed our chances to be with each other, and now simply accept our situation as it is.

I am totally prepared for those answers that I may not want to hear, but the answers I have received are the answers that I didn’t want to hear, which is what has led us to where we are now, in a monogamous affair. I have absolutely no regrets of the path I am on now, I believe it would be much worse if I never found out.

It is hard and I totally agree with the not having expectations and obligations, although this is so much more harder said than done at times. I guess I still have a long way to go, and I totally agree to take the happiness one event at a time. I just don’t take things for granted and soak in every single minute that I am with him and cherish that.

Thank you for this site as I know I’m not alone.

12 04 2015
Larry

Dear Uncertain Circumstances, they say that Impermanence is the only constant in life.
From your writing as of now you have it going on, With both, everything comes so easy you say. So enjoy it.
Be careful in not being caught, you can get some tips in the article Rules for a Monogamous Affair, don’t take unnecessary risks.
Of course there are no guarantees in life, it’s just the way it is, however if the two of you continue doing what you have been doing, the way you have been doing it, there’s no reason why things should end, if anything with time the bond grows stronger and stronger.
Enjoy what you have, each and every day; appreciate each other, and truly be thrilled of having each other and be in each other’s life.
I wish you all the best.
Smile!

13 04 2015
Uncertain circumstances

Larry thank you for the tips and I totally agree that we have to take more precaution and care. I will think these through. xo
Yes I am smiling 🙂

13 04 2015
Larry

You’re welcome.
You must be careful, never take any chances to get caught.
Keep on smiling.

24 03 2015
ladyS

I am seeing a married man with two small children. I am in an unhappy marriage and have told my husband that I am dating, but not of this affair. He accepted the fact of my dating, after my many attempts to discuss and reconcile our differences have gone unanswered. We have a teenager and I wasn’t ready to leave the marriage, when I started dating. I met my lover 3 months ago, online. From the first conversation, I have felt an irresistible connection to him. We have only met three times, but chat daily. I’m afraid I am falling for him. He brings me so much happiness and our connection is so strong. I tried to stop this affair a couple of times, in the first couple of months, but could not stay away. In the past 3 months he has been on my mind everyday, sometimes all day. I’ve been married 25 years and have never felt this type of connection. I feel am addicted to my lover. I have stopped seeing other men, because I only thought of him when I was on a date. I want to end my marriage, but I can’t see the point. Why leave my child, if I’m involved with a married man and don’t want to end the affair. My husband is content to be be my roommate, as long as I don’t cause him and his mother, who lives with us, the turmoil of selling the house and dividing our assets.
I feel I may be setting myself up for a life half lived, as I find little joy without my lover. I should be looking for this with a man that can give me his love and time freely, but I don’t think I will ever feel this amazing connection with anyone else. Reading your stories makes me wonder, since I am not in a loving relationship with my husband, (We have had separate rooms for 10 years and have not had sex in over 8 months) how can waiting on the sidelines be a fulfilling life? On the other hand, I know what we share is very special and I will not be able to walk away. I’ve been reading about soulmates and what I’ve experienced seems to fit. Am I deluding myself?

24 03 2015
Larry

Dear ladyS in order to answer your question “am I deluding myself?” you need to first answer the question “In respect to what?”. And that’s not an easy answer since it is only based on your own perceptions which have nothing to do with reality.

But we do have reality, your reality, when you say “He brings me so much happiness and our connection is so strong.” and the also “In the past 3 months he has been on my mind everyday, sometimes all day. I’ve been married 25 years and have never felt this type of connection. I feel am addicted to my lover. ” To me it sounds like something wonderful, extra-ordinary, something that most people don’t even get a taste in a lifetime.

So, what is the alternative? End the affair? And what for?
Because you have something wonderful and tangible and real right, but you feel that you want ‘more’? And since you can’t have ‘more’ you’re going to give up all you have now?

I believe you want more due to the social construct of being married, or otherwise partnered. You have that now, with your husband, How did that work out?
Now you have your Lover, enjoy it as it is, you have something special and wonderful, it’s human nature to want more, but don’t ruin what you have, don’t give up this gift, because of wanting more. Longing for someone from whom you’re only temporarily separate physically is a great feeling, much better than being in close proximity to someone you don’t care much.

So, wondering if you’re deluding yourself, and continue enjoying what you have, your lover, and the magic that the tow of you make together.

24 03 2015
ladyS

Larry,
Thank you so much for what you said. It brought tears to my eyes.
I don’t get any positive feed back from my best friend who knows and reading all the other stories of affairs on the web, only adds to my anguish.

The connection we share is magical and beautiful and I don’t want to let it go. Everything I’ve read for weeks now, just reiterates that this is an awful thing I’m doing…having an affair. I am immoral… This will end in disaster… I am tearing him away from his family… causing everyone involved so much pain… I will always be alone. Those are the sentiments and the blame that make me ashamed and cause me anguish.

Thank you for your words. They validate what I know in my heart to be true. As you said this is a gift. This is special and beautiful. Every time I chat with him he reminds of how alive and happy he feels and I feel the same.
I will try to do as you said. Enjoy this amazing connection and the beauty it is bringing to us.
I am greatful for your insight.

25 03 2015
Larry

You’re very welcome ladyS.
You’re not going to get any positive feedback from anyone who has not experienced what you are experiencing.
Everyone out there is brainwashed with a narrative that doesn’t take into account what you know in you heart to be true.
You have your life, your friends, your family, your lover, your husband. Each of them sees the same person, but through a different lens; you have to be diplomatic and only share with each of them only those parts of you that they are able to handle. With a lover is a different story, when the two of you are together the rest of the world to become background noise, and you are able to share of yourself with each other at the deepest level.
Nobody would ever be able to understand that, unless they have experienced it themselves.
Enjoying your affair means to enjoying life.
And your life belongs to you, not to your so called friends.

26 03 2015
ladyS

Larry,
Thank you again. You are right in saying “Everyone out there is brainwashed with a narrative that doesn’t take into account what you know in you heart to be true.”
My friend only sees heart ache for me and is concerned. She sees how happy I am with my lover, but can’t shake her strong belief that this is wrong and is doomed to end in disaster for me.

I need to stop talking about it, because worrying about me is actually affecting her wellbeing. I try to tell her, he would never knowingly hurt me, but there are no guarantees in any relationship. I certainly never imagined my marriage to be devoid of love and affection.

Your advice has given me peace. It is what I needed to hear, to allow my heart and soul to rejoice in the beauty of our connection, rather than distroy what I feel is the best thing that has happened to me in many years. I plan to enjoy every moment and push away the negative thoughts and worries about what may or may not happen. 🙂

Thank you!!

26 03 2015
Larry

You’re welcome ladyS. If you and your lover are smart and prudent there’s no reason to end in a disaster.
Your affair is no different than any other relationship, maybe one day will end, there are no guarantees, we all know that, and yet people start relationship every day, don’t they?
And if one day your affair will end, be glad for the time and the experiences that you have had.
When we eat a dessert, we know when we start that once we are done eating, there will be no more dessert; so is the answer not to eat the dessert? Just like life, eat that dessert and enjoy every single morsel of it.
Ask your friend if she’s avoiding relationships because of fear that they will end; or if she only enters relationship where she has a 100% guarantee that it will never en; and if so, where is she getting this guarantee?

1 04 2015
ladyS

Hi Larry,
Since writing you last, I have been happy and content about my relationship. We chated everyday and met in person. Our connection, intimacy and friendship has been flowering, and it has brought me absolute joy. He texted last week that he was “walking on sunshine”!
Then the weekend happened….
Something triggered a massive reevaluation of what he wants. Being an introvert, he sent a criptic text stating he is very unhappy and a mess and trying to straighten it out. I asked if he was rethinking us and he replied that he was rethinking what he wants. And asked for time and to bare with him.
I am out of my mind at this point. It’s been 5 days since we had a decent conversation and 3 days since his statement. I don’t want to contact him, because if he is reevaluating his life, I don’t want to interfere or attempt to influence his decisions. Deep down I know he wants what we have together, but I can’t stand waiting to hear. He has small children and I don’t, and wouldn’t want to, compare to the love and devotion he has for them.
I know introverts take a long time to process things and don’t feel the need to check in and communicate, but as I sit here typing, i can’t even breath. Thinking I might lose him is devastating.
When we met he told me he only wanted physical intimacy and that was all. But as time went on, we both realized there was a much stronger force pulling us together. He has told me he feels it too. Could he decide to walk away for the sake of his family? I just don’t know….
I am trying very hard to give him the time he needs, but it is making me physically ill. I know I wouldn’t make it harder for him, if that is his decision, because I want him to be happy. I will always cherish our time and remember, because of him I now know what a real connection and intimacy should feel like. But this waiting is pure torture.
I had nowhere else to turn to express my pure panic and pain. Thanks for reading this and allowing me a place to share.

1 04 2015
Larry

Dear LadyS: what the two of you are having is an intense emotional relationship, and in the middle of it all he’s evaluating divorce in order to have a traditional relationship with you. When that happens Drama ensues.
That’s why I am advocating Monogamous Affairs only between married people who, no matter what, want to remain married.

A properly structured Monogamous Affair will make everyone happy, I know this much.

12 04 2015
LadyS

Hi Larry,
You may he right. I think he is having a very difficult time balancing everything. We are talking a little again, but he is still keeping his distance. He is reassuring, and claims to want to continue our relationship. But, I don’t know how long I will be able to wait for things to go back to normal. I feel I should step back and let him focus on his family, because I can see this causing him so much pain. I asked if I should do that, but he is adamant in his desire to continue seeing me.
I miss him terribly, but I would let him go, rather than see him suffer like this. He loves his children dearly and will not be able to be separated from them.
At this point, I’m not even focused on my needs, but on what is right for him. Should I step out of the picture?

12 04 2015
Larry

I think you should ask him what is that he wants, and what is that he wants to do.
At the same time you should also ask yourself and what is that you want to do.
The last thing you want to do is to do something that you believe he wants without you asking him, or without he expressing it; that’s called mind reading and it’s a very bad way to go through life.

1 04 2015
Lost

I understand where you are at. it’s so hard to sit and wait, your mind wonders about all the would ifs.
I also understand that you may be worried about no more contact at all.
My partner is also an intervert, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to answer my questions.
I would not contact him, as hard as that is, try to find something to occupy your mind, go to dinner with a friend, go to a movie, distract your self.
I can tell you that the thought will come back about him, but there is a relief from it being out of your mind for at least an hour. good luck and stay strong

1 04 2015
ladyS

Thank you lost. I’ve been reading about introverts for a the last few days, trying to understand the silence, and decide what to do. I want to contact him so badly and ask him to just get it over with – just to end this limbo. But I have to respect his process. Thanks for reiterating that for me. I am not built to suffer and ponder in silence, so I have to work at allowing him his time.

12 04 2015
Mrs fifty

Hey All,
So I need help please! My soul mate, the only man I have ever been faithful too, ever truly loved now for 16 years and may have 1 child with his wife was diagnosed with cancer 1.5 years ago. I haven’t seen him since. He is high ranking military, they live in different states right now. I have been very supportive of her battle as she has chosen no treatment other than removal of both breasts. Since her diagnosis our dynamics have changed. He got mad and wanted to leave her and I talked sense into him for 2 hours. Now I’m in the dark, battling my own health issues, he’s complicated, confusing, always I love yous and one day he needs to see me the next day it’s no I need to focus on Bren. I feel at,my wits end as he said this Friday I thought you understood we were just friends that I have to give her all of me. I died inside as this same man 24 hours before emailed me a very sexy request, wanted me to board a plane and spend 4 days with him. His emotions are everywhere as are mine. He is sending me such contradicting messages I don’t know what to do. 16 years is hard to walk away without a scar especially when he is the one who says until death do us part. Do I back away let him come to me for emotional support or do I just drift away? I can’t imagine him going through this alone and yes I admit I’m a little jealous at times that I get no attention and she gets it all. Its selfish of me and I feel horrible. I guess I never received the memo of just friends, I didn’t know you treated friends sexual mentally and Skype with them as well. I am torn. My daughter is putting pressure on me as she has,requested a paternity test as she looks nothing like her dad and he slipped up a few years ago and she heard I was pregnant before marriage and we had just gotten back together dating. The other Ciampa was leaving for Korea. Please help me be a,better person for him and me too! How do you figure out what they need when they are giving you so many mixed signals? I have felt so incomplete lately, so many false promises, trying to have no expectations too. He makes them. I try to not hold them.
Thank you all. We are soul mate as he has said in the past as well and I don’t want to lose him nor drive him away. Maybe my advice was too good? I just wanted him to have no regrets. Cancer is evil. Again thank you. I can’t stop sobbing, I feel like a school girl losing her first crush!
Warmly,

13 04 2015
Lost

I have a question, do any of you get frustrated with your affair partner?
I feel like I put out more effort then him,I say good morning, how are you, etc, and I hear Nonthing back for several days. another example, i had a time frame where I could really spend some time with him, told her over a week prior so hopefully, he could make arrangements, and I don’t hear anything for him. I am just very frustrated.

13 04 2015
Larry

This is not an issue of affairs per se, but more about relationships in general.
If you think you’re putting a lot more effort than the other party, you are in a relationship where you care a lot more than the other party.
Talk to him directly, tell him what you just told us, ask him what is that you expect; get your answers, examine that the future behavior matches the answers; then act accordingly.
As I have stated many times before in this forum a Monogamous Affair is a more committed relationship than most other types of relationships.

13 04 2015
Mrs fifty

What if the man your having an affair with is horrible expressing himself? How do you help them out it into words? Mine thinks I should just know. I try my best but being pulled a thousand directions on top of a long term affair to remain quiet how do you get someone to communicate when that’s his biggest struggle? Thank you for such great advice!

13 04 2015
Larry

If he has issues with communicating ask him. Ask him open ended questions but specific to what is that you want to know or clarify.
Some people who have problems communicating face to face find it easier to communicate via email, try that.

What you want to avoid is to give him multiple choices, or to ask to confirm something that you have come up with. Remember you are trying to elicit what is in his mind, no to plant something in his mind.

It might be that you are on different levels, what often happens is that the male is fine with the affair as it is, while the female wants more, something different. If that’s the case it becomes a problem; so it’s not so much a question of communications, it a question of not liking the topic of conversation.

3 07 2015
Missy

Thank you so much for this article an this site. There are times I feel so alone in this affair. It is comforting to know that others understand and also that there is hope that this relationship can work for us. Ours is still a new relationship(4 months) but we knew from the beginning that a long term monogamous relationship was what we were looking for. I have been married for 30 years and have family and community dynamics that would make it painful to end the marriage or have an affair exposed. He has younger children and financial concerns. There are times we are tempted to just “run away” together but realize that a lifelong monogamous relationship will allow us to have the love, passion, and friendship we crave, while living up to life’s previous obligations. This is the life we choose and while it has its difficulties, it is definitely worth it.

16 07 2015
Larry

You said it perfectyly . . . a lifelong monogamous relationship will allow us to have the love, passion, and friendship we crave, while living up to life’s previous obligations. This is the life we choose and while it has its difficulties, it is definitely worth it.

14 02 2017
The other Mrs.

Missy,
You seem to be in a similar boat as me! My affair is still in its infancy as well, but we both understand that a long term monogamous affair is what we want. In fact, we almost knew from the “get go” that this was where we would end up and stay for awhile! 🙂 I’m happy to know “it’s not just me”! Good luck in life and love, my friend!

15 07 2015
Charlotte L.

Hello Larry,

I wanted to write to you so many times, but I didn’t have the courage…up until now, when I really need some support.
I have a classic monogamous affair: both married for a long time, have kids. It’s going on for a year now. We enjoy each other so much…But…today he almost got caught by his wife: nobody’s fault, we’re very careful, just bad circumstances. Currently she may have suspicions, but no proof. I haven’t spoken with him yet after he talked to her: it’s night and I can’t sleep. I’m so worried about him, and so sad that he got in trouble. Although, according to him, his is one of those sexless marriages, when the wife realizes he’s getting some action on the side, but ignores it. But still, I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I’m absolutely terrified that he’ll say we have to stop seeing each other. I understand if we have to wait for a few weeks, but I can’t live without knowing I’m going to see him sometime soon. I’m new to all this…What do you think may happen?

Thanks

16 07 2015
Larry

Hello Charlotte: first of all, don’t panic.
Trust your partner that he’s going to handle the situation in the best possible way, in the meanwhile stay put.
Once you get to talk to him again, decide on how to proceed going forward, needless to say you’ll have to both be more careful and avoid any possible bad circumstances.
Nobody knows what may happen, only time will tell.

22 07 2015
Charlotte L.

Hi Larry,
Actually, he called the next day and said that nothing has changed between us, and he misses me, but we have to be extra cautious until the things calm down. I guess it’s fair. But it’s killing me to know he’s in trouble and not to know when I’m going to see him again. So, you’re right, we stay put.

21 07 2015
Charlie

Lifetime Affair
Really glad to have found this blog! I have been in a lifetime affair with the same man for – drumroll please – over 30 years. It isn’t a constant thing, and we don’t see each other very often. It started as a relationship when we were in our 20s. We both married other people, but nothing stopped our affair. I divorced, remarried, and still continued our affair. He has been in the same marriage this entire time, and we haven’t seen each other now for several years, but within the next month we intend to change that. Now we are in our 50’s, I am no longer married, and don’t want to be ever again, not even to him. I think ours is more based on a very passionate and intense chemistry we share that I know will never be with anyone else. Until I found this blog, I thought we were the oldest “friends with benefits” around and glad to know of others out there! So I don’t know how our rendezvous will go, but more than likely it will be pretty hot. We both are very discreet and do not want to hurt anyone, and never have. I read above the comments about finding out something bad happens to him and I may not even know it for days and I will be devastated. We don’t even live in the same state. But even that “known heartbreak” isn’t enough to give up the joy I feel when I’m with him, he seriously offers better benefits than my job .

21 07 2015
mrsfifty

Hi Charlie…well you have me beat in time by a lot mine is 16 years. I think yours sounds healthy and perfect for you both. I could not agree more about the chemistry you’ll never find with another. I tested it out with him knowing and nobody got my heart racing with just excitement of knowing I’d see them, or butterflies in my tummy or the genuine true deep love felt whether by phone text email or in person. I call mine my best friend lover partner in crime and soul mate.
I do have a question, we have recently taken a break as his wife has cancer that she’s not treating and he didn’t want to end us completely but emails and always ends with love you. How do you get by the years you don’t see one another? He is the only man that we can both finish each others sentence, we just confirmed now that he,retired from the Army that we do have a child together. So how does it work for you on those off years, blind faith? I loved your upbeat message. Welcome and no your not alone.

22 07 2015
Charlie

Mrsfifty….I think blind faith is as good a description as any other. I think in this relationship, it isn’t something that time can affect…I know this at an almost primal level. When I miss him, I sometimes get angry, but that is the opposite of Love and even that only feeds the passion. It’s maddening, wonderful, frustrating, infuriating, everything. Lovers will always find their way back to each other, no matter the time or distance. Best of luck to you!

22 07 2015
Charlie

Correction: “Time cannot affect” is what I meant to type. Sorry about that.

26 07 2015
Althea

While you say both participants in a long term monogamous affair are usually married – maybe not. I had been in a 20 year monogamous affair (I thought)with a married man until last year. I did not find out until he broke up with me that he had cheated on me twice – not with his wife. We were happy and trusted each other (I thought). I have talked with his wife and find that she and I could have been great friends in different circumstances. I was honest with her and I firmly believe that she was honest with me. We are in our 60’s so perhaps mature enough to communicate without rancor. Yes, she is devastated knowing that her husband was with me for two decades (20 years). She reached out to me with forgiveness and grace. She consoles me because I was grieving the loss of my long term lover. We cried together then hugged and went our separate ways. No, we will not be friends – but somehow I think she understands why I loved her husband. I never EVER interfered in their lives. I was completely unknown to her until her husband got sloppy and left evidence of me in an email.

24 10 2015
Dani

The guy I am seeing and myself are both married but seperated. He has kids and I do not. Is it still considered a monogamous affair? What are the pros and cons in this type of affair?

24 10 2015
Larry

If you are both separated it’s not technically an affair per se.
If you’re not having sex with anyone else you’re monogamous.

Are you happy and satisfied? That’s all that matters. Enjoy each other, enjoy what you have.

23 11 2015
Love is beautiful

My story starts few months ago. It is such an unexplainable strong connection we have for each other. We tried to break up twice due to guilt we both feel for our spouses. However, the gravity were too strong. We decided to embress our love and follow our hearts. We both are very happy and never felt better. Our relationship with our spouses are improved and I was told that I am glowing and never look better. Love is so beautiful and love without possession is the biggest love of all.

3 12 2015
The Nurse

Larry, thank you so much for this blog. It speaks to everything I have been going through for the past year. However I need advice. I wouldn’t say I am unhappy in my marriage, more unfulfilled. My lover is a former coworker and has become my best friend and best physical connection I have ever experienced. We dont spend much physical time together because we are both in an organization that meets 2 days a month. However my husband has discovered that I speak to my lover on the phone daily sometimes for hours at a time while at work. He’s also gone thru our text and see we speak regularly. No hard evidence of the affair, but enough contact to demand I stop speaking to him. I don’t take any time away from my husband or small children, nor does he with his wife and children. I don’t want to lose my family and I cannot lose my lover. The connection we have is far beyond sex. I’m not sure how to handle the situation as far as my husband. He’s never shown me affection or support in the way that I need, but I love him and accept that about him. However as a human being, I still need it elsewhere and I am not interested in finding it in another person since my lover makes me feel like time stands still when we communicate. He kisses me in a way that I no longer know who’s air I am breathing. My husband has never shown interest in being affectionate with me until now that he feels threatened. I tell him all the time that I’m not going anywhere. I don’t feelthat what my husband gives is genuine. It’s forced. I don’t know what to do

3 12 2015
Larry

Dear Nurse. I am glad that you enjoyed my blog, and that it speaks to you.

About your situation. From your writing I assume that you have made the decision to continue the Affair. If that’s the case you need to step up your logistics about communicating with your Lover. You will find some tips under “Rules for a Monogamous Affair” and “Logistics for a Monogamous Affair”.

Going forward you’ll need to be more careful about logistics and communications, since your spouse is going to be on alert. You owe it to yourself, to your Lover and to your spouse to be careful and discreet.

26 12 2015
Chris

Wow. I’ll be coming back to this blog when I have more time, but I’m tearing up just realizing what I knew in my heart- that I’m not crazy to be truly in love with more than one person. My husband (of 19 years, 25 together) is my best friend. My lover (of 6 months) and I had an instant connection that I’ve never really had with anyone else- let alone anyone that’s not the same religion, political party, is 10 years my junior, and lives 1400 miles away. Thank you all so much for sharing. I’ll be back to continue when I have more time but I’m so glad I found this.

28 12 2015
BiLove

I am a woman in a 14 year-long marriange with another woman. She and I are mostly happy and I love her dearly. However, recently, I have started having unmet desires (moth emotional and physical) for men. Before being with her, I dated both men and women, but never at the same time. I never cheated on anyone I was with. Flash forward to now and I have found myself desiring men for the past few years but have never acted on it.

We´re both Canadians but my wife and I live overseas because of my job. While visiting Canada at an event, I saw a man who I´ve known for several years but nothing ever happened between us. In fact, before moving out of the country, he and I were both in relationships and neither of us knew there was a mutual attraction between. At the event, sparks flew. We hugged because we hadn´t seen each other in almost a year and I instantly felt something for him….and him for me. We flirted the rest of the evening and later talked on the phone. Eventually we went out for lunch and what felt like 5 minutes of hanging out was actually 8 hours! Since then, we have been emarking on a discreet monogamous affair. He´s a bit older than I am. (I´m in my mid-40s and he just turned 60.) He´s single now but respects the fact that I have no intentions on leaving my wife. He tells me he´s never felt so alive or connected to anyone. We´re able to talk for hours and just enjoy each other´s company. He´s visited me overseas a couple of times during work trips that I have. He´s amazing and I care for him. I love what we have.

I can´t help but feel guilty about the situation. I don´t want to lose my wife….I love her so much. But being with her alone is no longer enough for me. It´s unfair to her….but there is no way to tell her without ending what we have. I’m so torn and would love to hear some advice from Larry on this one.

7 01 2016
Anita

I have a sense of comfort reading through everyone’s stories, knowing I am not alone. My story began a little over 2 and half years ago, that is when I meet my lover who is 10 yrs. my senior. We have both been married to our spouses for over 25 years. When we meet there was a strong connection that we both felt. Unexplainable, but very much felt in a deep soul awaking level. I am a spiritual person and because of this connection I have gone back to my studies of metaphysics and realized that this relationship was meant to happen. We are very careful not be discovered . Our number one priority is to bring no harm and pain to our spouses, because of this there is many times we go weeks with out seeing each other, We email almost on a daily basis. The longing can be so unbearable at times, but through it we are able to communicate our feelings to each other. Our relationship embodies an energy of lust/love/friendship. I hope to have this man in my life for many more years to come.

29 01 2016
Soromantic

Im so glad to have found this website. it has helped clarify a lot for me. I could use some words of encouragement/clarity to move forward in my monogamous affair. It has filled my life more than anything, but it also leaves me confused, with guilt and it brings up a lot of wounds for me that I’m trying so desperately to move past. I’ve been in this for 3 years. its a man i met at work so we have opportunity for daily contact during weekdays. we work a lone often so we’ve had phases of very intense daily intimacy and days of being a little bit cooler as we both have spouses and families to go home too. but nothing on weekend, vacations, etc. and i get sad during these times. he has claimed from the beginning that he loves his wife and will always stay married. i’ve have felt that i love my family, not so connected to hub so given the right situation i would leave. on the other hand this affair has many ways been the best of all worlds. but the guilt and secrecy kills me. i wish we could share with our partners that we want a more open marriage. don’t they deserve to know? and how can anyone here say they really love their spouse if we are lying to them? the other thing that i cant get over is the jealousy. knowing my affair man goes home and loves his wife, has sex with hr and enjoys her. i spend too much time thinking about, what do i bring that makes him want to be here, what don’t i bring that makes him not want me all the time. i know thats my thing to deal with. I want this relationship. It enhances me in so many more ways than hurts me. I just wish like I am reading above I could be OK with it just being what it is. Knowing it is special for what it is, not comparing it to anything. Not sharing it with the world and accepting it is ours and ours only. but the torture of these things it brings up, cane be rough on days. how do others deal with any of these questions, or do they not come up?

30 01 2016
Larry

Dear Soromantic, thank you for sharing of your story. I am glad to hear that you know that you want this relationship because, among other things, it enhances you.

Do you want more? Don’t we all?
Yet be careful that at times by wanting more you might lose it all. I have seen it happen.

You have a Monogoamous Affair, and yours enhances you; do you know how lucky you are?

Enjoy your life and your affair; don’t let your mind go places where your mind should not go.

31 01 2016
struggling

I to am struggling, but when I think about it I know that I would rather him in my life then not. But the struggle has been very hard for me lately. It’s like fighting with the natural progression of a relationship. this is all that is will be ” our secret”, I told him I was struggling, and he just says ” your not in this alone” that offers me no support. I don’t find that response comferting.
He is always on my mind, and I couldn’t picture my life without our daily text of even a simple good morning.
Struggling with if I should step back or not but when I think of that it literally bring me to tears. I do love him. Confused is not the word, mabey I am thinking to much, some support would be helpful

11 03 2016
Cornuni

@Struggling …I remember going through that particular phase in my monogamous affair. I remember looking for some form of a “commitment” some…THING that felt like a natural progression in a glorious relationship. There is no such thing though. He IS struggling. I will tell you what happened in my two year struggle with this very concept, and how I overcame it.

Flash back maybe 5 years ago: I hated the roller coasters. Our relationship would be intense and involved, and then all of a sudden, he’d withdraw out of the blue. I dealt with that pattern for a couple of years. Glorious moments of connection followed by crickets…and it usually happened after sex. It made me feel like an object. Not knowing what to do, and having difficulty coping, I finally sent him an email telling him that I needed some time because I couldn’t handle the painful patterns. He told me it was refreshing to hear what I was thinking, and two days later when I finally chatted with him on the phone, it was the first time he shared his feelings for me.

I wasn’t an object, and he would take whatever I would give him (like the selfish asshole he was – haha – his words) for as long as he could have it. He wasn’t going to give me up, but he knew it was inevitable that I would one day end our relationship or that we’d eventually get caught. He adored me…cared for me deeply. He thought about me constantly, and he had no idea that I was feeling such torment. Anyway…it went on.

So things continued. And because I felt the need for “natural progression in a relationship,” I decided what I was really after was maybe just the “L” word. Some sort of acknowledgment that he was into me. Guess what? It didn’t come. A year went by. 6 more months too. More bumps – him emailing and snapchatting other women, me starting a swinging lifestyle with my husband…jealousy, suspicion, torment. We overcame all of that…sort of. At the crux of the worst part of my jealousy and suspicion with his female coworkers, I ended it. It was too painful. It had gone on like that for too long. If I wasn’t special anymore, what was the point? I felt like garbage.

We sat together in my car days later in some abandoned parking lot, and he finally told me that he loved me. He told me I made him a better man, and that I know him better than anyone. He said that withdrawing and compartmentalizing was the only way to stay sane. He couldn’t abandon his family, but that he had thought about it before…playing it out in his mind, and it scared him…rattled him to his core. So in order to not torment himself, he would have to distance himself from me. Re-balance. The worst part is that he said he wouldn’t ever have admitted any of those things to me had I not tried to end our relationship.

I had no idea. None. I thought that I was crazy, weird, or torturing myself. He was consuming my thoughts, but it seemed like I just wasn’t that for him. He flirts with other women…and I flirt with other men. It doesn’t go beyond that (at least I hope not). Either way though, it doesn’t really matter. The way we feel for each other is what matters.

The key is that you need to change your perspective. Don’t take him withdrawing or spending time with his family as a personal attack. Would you really want to be with a man that didn’t put his whole world into his kids? Also…most men that I’ve come across take their work and their “life purpose” pretty damn seriously. In fact, if this part of their life gets off track, it will trump even their kids. That’s just the way it is. Being a supportive partner is really the way to be. Give him his space to let him get done what needs to get done.

I discovered that him withdrawing probably doesn’t mean that he’s with other women. My jealousy has subsided because I’ve changed my perspective. I get hit on a lot, and sometimes I’ll even flirt back; however I have no intention of getting even slightly romantic with these men. Not one of them. I am highly satisfied with my affair partner, and I love him to bits (sorry…I know that there’s a rule on here to say “care for,” not love…but holy hell…seriously? I love the guy.)

As far as feeling the need to define the relationship, that subsided too. I think the need to define it came because this whole long-term monogamous affair thing is uncharted territory. I felt like I was floundering, and I wanted to be able to build trust and a foundation. BUT this isn’t a normal relationship. Stop trying to make it one.

So then…what’s this “more” that you want? Have you figured it out? Are you actually looking to be his one and only, or are you looking for something else? Have you thought this through? Is “you wanting more” aligned with what he wants? Is it respectful of your specific rules for engaging in this secret monogamous affair?

For me…I just wanted to know that I was special for him, that he still yearned for me, that I was significant for him, and a priority at times. He even admittedly told me that he’s still trying to figure out how to communicate effectively that I am all of that for him, and I’m still trying to figure out how myself.

11 03 2016
Struggling

Thanks for sharing, it really helped reading that I am not alone in feeling this way. I greatly appreciate your story and have read it several times.

28 09 2016
genie

@cornuni … Wow… very very helpful. And I truly believe I’m getting where you are and it feels really good.

31 01 2016
Soromantic

Im with you Struggling. i cant stop thinking about this person and the part of the arrangement i don’t enjoy. i tried to end it over the holidays but we just couldn’t. i often wonder how life brings us these positions. a total amazing connection with a person you aren’t with. i try to tell myself not all relationships are supposed to be the way society tells us. that there is a reason for this form and shape. mine tells he he has the same confusion but i think he has found a way to box it up and put it away during our separations more. right now I’m trying to focus on myself. coming back to a very solid whole person with a lot of love to share. when i come to this from that perspective everything is ok. the distance is ok. the unusual arrangement is ok, the part time ness of it all is ok. relationships are for sharing not for making us complete and if we get to share with someone we love, we can be joyful. i like what larry said above, not letting the mind go to places it should not go. the natural progression is hard. there becomes a lack of growth when you cant take your love into the world. but there also becomes a creativity i suppose to grow within what you have. i don’t know. i seem to keep doing it, because not doing it feels worse. i want more time, thats all i know. losing it all cuts that time.

9 02 2016
daniela

I have been in a monogamous affair for about a year and a half. We are co-workers and started out as friends, got very close quickly, and are now in a “relationship.” I have been married for 18 years, he only 3, and just recently had a baby. My children are 9 and 7. I often feel the urge to leave my husband and in my heart I know that if he ever said – let’s get a divorce – I would in a heart beat to be with him – but I am far too risk averse to do it otherwise and just be a divorcee with nothing left. At times it is excruciating, as by nature I am a possessive person, so I have to keep telling myself – let it go, let it go…he doesn’t belong to me and that’s not what he wants. But my heart aches and my marriage has gotten much worse because of this. I’ve also thought to end the affair, but the one time I tried we were both miserable. It has become a purgatory for me and I know at some point I will have to make a decision that tears me apart either way.

9 02 2016
Larry

Hello Daniela and thank you for sharing of your story. Each story is different and yet each story has some parallel elements to it all.

I understand where you’re coming from, but if you read my writings you’ll see that my take is that a Monogamous Affair is wonderful just the way it is: an Affair. When people try to substitute a spouse for another, transforming themselves from Lovers into spouses; more often than not it all comes crumbling down, the excitement is replaced by monotony. I don’t know why and I don’t have a good explanation, it just does.

Of course this is your life, and while you can listen to anyone willing to give you advice, at the end of the day you and only you are the one that has to make the decisions according to what you think is best for you.

Have you tried to approach the subject with your lover?

Make sure you also read my latest article “Having LESS by wanting MORE” that was inspired by stories like yours.

Wishing you all the best.

19 02 2016
clare

I have been with my husband for 16 years, we have 2 beaitiful children he is a good man, a good provider but tends to take me for granted and can be very neglectful, believing a woman should care for her man, look after children, house etc. I am a professional woman who dreams of a life where my husband is my partner 50/50 and all that. I am a very passionate person, and love open communication, long talks, discussing feelings etc, he does not feel people need to discuss such things.
My monogamous long-term affair began almost 2 years ago with my husbands best friend; the husband of my best friend. After my mother passed I shut down for almost a year, withdrew completely from my life. My husband was there for me in the sense he picked up the slack but he wasnt there for me emotionally. My mom had been my best friend and we talked about 4-5 times a day, I saw her everyday, she was the one i talked feelings and all the little unimportant gibber jabber stuff. When she died my world went silent for nearly a year until my husbands best friend experienced a loss and asked if I minded talking to him about my experience, to help him understand his grief. This was the beginning of a blossoming best friendship. Suddenly I had someone to talk to and I found he was surprisingly very similar to me in that respect, he loved to chat, he loved those long feelings filled conversations. His wife was like my husband and didn’t do the whole open communication thing. It was like waking from a long hybernation. We spent hours talking and texting and laughing … I was laughing again!!
Then one night when we were arguing over some ridiculous song (all in fun) our eyes locked and he kissed me. There has been no turning back, I am madly in love with my best friend and being so close to his wife and their children I have no desire to split their marriage up, as he has no desire to split mine up. Neither of our spouses are very sexual, where as the two of us very much are, and we are very compatible in likes and dislikes. We are connected on every level and complete parts of each others lives where our marriages were lacking. I love my husband and he loves his wife and we love each others families. Going on two years and I cannot imagine my life without him in it, and our marriages would not survive without this friendship. I have felt the guilt and read all the literature about “being a statistic” “midlife crisis” etc etc but its not just about sex , I respect this man and enjoy his company outside of our affair, we have been friends for many many years and I look forward to many many more. Thank-you for your insight and making me realize that I am not alone, I am not a freak for wanting both men in my life to complete me.

19 02 2016
Larry

Clare, thank you for sharing of your wonderful story.
Affairs are never just about sex, they are about a lot more than just sex, but about sex too.
You and your lover are friends, and that’s how all relationships should be, friends, best friends, and then more; if there’s no friendship how can there be the more that a relationship should offer? A Monogamous Affair done well will provide the friendship and more, just like yours does.
Enjoy!

11 03 2016
Cornuni

About 9 months ago, my affair partner of almost 7 years decided to take a job out of state (way out of state) and move with his family there. They bought a house, and he committed to staying there for a few years. I felt crushed and confused. I felt lost because I thought our relationship (and me) weighed in a bit more for him. And then I felt angry because, once again, it was a painful lesson to learn that I was giving too much to this affair.

We still talk during his commute home almost every week day. We’ve managed to see each other a few times since he’s been there as well. For the most part, I think I’m healing and learning to not take his move there personally. I want him to succeed in this strategic career move so badly. He felt so unbalanced and unfulfilled in his work before, and it seems like he’s more at ease now…on track.

But then on days like today, I just miss him. Being on the heels of a weekend together it is especially hard because I know I won’t see him for a few months. It is days like today that I am reminded of how insignificant I must be for him. I guess I’m just not over him moving, or perhaps I just feel depressed knowing how long it will be until I see him again.

Why would he choose that?

11 03 2016
Larry

You ask Why would he choose that?.
Hard to say. Did you ask him?
A marriage is a marriage.
A Monogamous Affair is a Monogamous Affair.
They are two different things, two different situations, two different places so to speak.
There are encumberments that are part of the marriage that are not part of an affair; and that’s what makes and affair, especially a Monogamous Affair a place to relax and enjoy, a world on its own carved out from reality where two lovers can find themselves and get lost in the pleasure of each other arms.

I am sure it was hard for you and it’s still hard. And I am also sure that it’s hard for him as well.

Are the two of you still involved in your Affair?

13 03 2016
L

Thanks for all your words, Larry. So yes – we’re still involved. I was really on the fence about staying together, but ultimately decided that I would take a leap of faith and give the long distance thing a try.

I actually did ask him why he would choose to leave. He mentioned that he didn’t think it would change things at all…if anything, we’d be able to have better quality of time when we are able to get together – more evenings, more sex, more moments. He also told me that he had no idea how much it would impact me. (Which I was a bit confused by as well.) We’ve had the conversation probably too many times. I felt surprised that he would risk losing me in order to move out of state for his spouse. It was a bit of a gut punch. The move changes the logistics of things, but not the order of things.

I guess the thing that is the hardest to admit is that his involvement in my life and my involvement in his are probably quite different, and that can even change from day to day. He has told me before that he looks forward to chatting with me every day. If he hasn’t heard from me, he gets a bit obsessed, that he thinks of me often. Yet there are days that I might not hear from him at all. He says all these things – great with words that one – but then his actions just aren’t consistent.

When my husband was pushing to move out of state, I basically killed the idea. I’m the big bread winner at home, so it was easy. I wanted to stay in state because my life with my affair partner is here. My affair partner though…he’s the sole bread winner as well. His wife picked a place to move, and he felt like it made sense to at least explore the idea to make her feel happy. He didn’t expect that it would actually happen (says the guy that hired a recruiter). He liked the prospect though – it was fun for him to look into moving. He’s happy about where he found a job, and he’s happy with where he moved.

So there it is. Of course I was devastated. He even brought his job offer to me and asked me about it. But what could I say? I did the right thing – I told him he should go for it. It was a huge career move. I will not be the cause of regret for him. I had seen his torment and dissatisfaction with his current career path. I want him to be successful. He’s so talented.

He wasn’t really asking me though, he was telling me. He’d discussed it with his wife already. She was excited, so was he. In the beginning he said he’d be out there a year, two at the most. Now it’s three. He told me that he doesn’t ever want to move back…that I’m the only reason he wants to be here at all. When he’s ready to move jobs again, he’s even mentioned moving to another state…further away…it’s so confusing.

I naively thought that I was just more of a pull for him…that I was more significant. Sometimes I’ve mentioned it to him saying something like, “I know what I am and I know what I’m not.” He hates that tremendously, and yet if I was truly something so special to him, why did he even entertain the idea to move to a different time zone in the first place?

Right after he moved, I sort of just took a huge step back. It was the first time in awhile that I decided to let my husband be my all for me, and we have been having a blast together. I also worked on trying to match the efforts of my affair partner a bit more. That part will continue to be a struggle for me. I adore him.

I’m trying SO hard to just look ahead. I don’t want our conversations together to feel like me hounding him for moving. We’ve discussed it already. Nothing can change. It’s just a reality now. I’m sure he already feels guilty and sad. Who wants to have a conversation with someone when the topic is guilt and depression? That just sounds awful. So I support him. I encourage him. I love hearing about his successes at work. It sounds like he is on a path that he is content with. I’m proud of him.

But how can this long distance thing even work? When it comes to monogamous affairs, and if I am supposed to be his “exciting outlet,” how can that even be accomplished from so far away?

Hard? Yes. It feels impossible. He is gone. I get to touch him four times a year, if we’re lucky. The chances of him moving back here are bleak.

I would love to hear more perspectives.

13 03 2016
Larry

Dear L. to me you sound like you had the perfect Monogamous Affair. But now with the Long Distance comes the log time periods without face-to-face contact, and that’s hard, very hard with any type of relationship.

He had to do what he had to do.

Now it’s up to you to decide what to do: do nothing and continue to have the connection long distance, and the occasional meeting with longer periods. No need to make any drastic decisions now; but you always have control of your life, you decide to continue the Affair, that is your decision; you decide to end it, that’s also your decision.

You know that I believe in Monogamous Affairs, which means committed single Lover affairs. Are you still committed to him that way? Is he? Have you asked him? Have you and him talked about it?

14 03 2016
Cornuni

So yes. I’m committed to him that way. I feel so content with him, and haven’t been interested in anyone else. He still lights me on fire, just as always.

Him? I honestly don’t know. I would like to believe that he and I are in a monogamous affair. I definitely choose to believe that. I know that he cares for me, and I know that he puts in effort to make sure that we’re still in constant contact with one another. It feels like it is monogamous.

Have I asked him before? Yes. When the long-distance thing was feeling stale and predictable, and when I felt more like an obligation than an adventure, I brought it up. I don’t want to be one of many. If ever the excitement is gone there, I think it will be best if we just walk away. Being far away from each other, it is definitely difficult to fill whatever void we were/are both looking for. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were to find someone closer and more convenient to help fill that void. But perhaps this is enough for him.

It’s one of those conversations that I don’t like to bring up very often. I don’t feel a constant need to define where the relationship is, but when I feel like something is wrong, and the feeling persists, I’ll mention it. I probably bring it up 3 or 4 times a year…probably too frequently for comfort. The most we can do is reassure one another, and then hope that the other trusts that the passion is alive and the relationship is healthy.

As far as what to “do,” I would say that sometimes I definitely feel like I need to “do” something, but most of the time I would rather just be than do. I like to relax into the relationship as much as possible. Sometimes I wonder though if I still have complete control over my actions in this relationship. I’m so hopelessly addicted to it. Do you truly think that these monogamous affairs are healthy and sustaining for years at a time? I’ve been in mine for almost 7 years, and I question that at times…

14 03 2016
Larry

To your question Do you truly think that these monogamous affairs are healthy and sustaining for years at a time? my answer is YES!

I do believe that. I also believe that relationships should be ended before they get to the point of detriment; especially Monogamous Affairs, when they stop being fun, when there’s no more sparkle, it’s time to end. This way the two party will miss each other and the good times, without any harsh feelings toward each other.

11 03 2016
lan

I am thankful to hear everyone’s comments. I just reconnected with a guy from college. We are both married and have small children, we found out that we live close by and have a lot in common. We spent all night talking and there was a strong connection. We exchanged #s and have been txting. We are trying to meet up next week. I can’t stop thinking about him and can’t wait to see him. We both said that night that we do not want to harm our families/marriages as we both love our situations. Does this seem like it is leading to a Monogamous Affair?

11 03 2016
Larry

Dear Lan: so you’ve reconnected with a guy, spend all night talking, maybe more than talking, and now you can’t stop thinking about him and you’re trying to get together, again. And you both don’t want to harm your families/marriages as you both love your situations. Sounds like you have the premises of a Monogamous Affair; so I suggest that you enjoy things as they come, read my suggestions for the Rules and Logistics for a Monogamous Affair, and most importantly talk with your Lover about mutual expectations; so that you are on the same page, today, and for many years to come.

Enjoy it!

13 03 2016
Lan

Thank you! I will keep you posted. Your advice here is very straight forward and I appreciate it.

14 03 2016
Cornuni

Larry: I decided to read all of your responses to this ridiculously long 6 year thread. Wow! It was quite eye opening for me. Your last comment to me was as well. I think the times that I feel the worst are the times when I start wanting something more, something bigger. Not wanting…that is too gentle…I feel entitled to it, like a selfish person…nay, like a 25 year old millennial that writes a letter to the CEO at Yelp on her Twitter account (shudders).

And let me clarify, because I feel like so many people in these monogamous relationships get caught up in this trap. When I say “more” it doesn’t mean that I want to abandon my family for my lover. “More” in this sense means that I am giving into a relationship and I expect some sort of “in kind” reciprocation. It sneaks up on me ever so slyly. I feel like I’m giving freely, but really I want him to give and care in the some of the same ways (or at least that’s where my mind gets trapped from time to time).

The reality is that he doesn’t show that he cares in the same ways, and I really quite like that about him. I’m still trying to figure out what those ways are, but I imagine it will be amazing when I finally do. I don’t want to be with a clone of myself, I want to be with him. He is ever mysterious and a challenge for me. I continue to discover more and more about him. And he, the poor guy, has to listen to my sad and embarrassing emotional meltdowns from time to time. I feel like such a cliche right now.

Thank you for this site, Larry. Thank you for challenging my perspective. I needed the tough love.

21 03 2016
Lan

I still have not met up with my guy, seeing him tomorrow. It has been almost a month and I think about him a lot. We have been texting a bit. I can’t wait to see him and same with him. I am nervous however as to where this is heading. I can’t stop at this point, too much build up, but don’t want to feel guilty about my husband. I really love him, but like many others on this site have had a spark ignited in me with someone else.

21 03 2016
Larry

The excitement, the butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation, the longing: that’s what makes the Monogamous Affair so special.

Make sure you deal with the guilt, you don’t want the guilt from one side to ruin the other side.

Tomorrow is just tomorrow, be there with your whole self, enjoy what it is, a first encounter, hopefully one of many.

Let us know how it goes and best of luck to the both of you.

22 03 2016
Lan

We met up, it was really good to see him. I could tell we were both nervous. We actually did an activity where other people were around, so not much of a chance to really talk. It definitely confirmed a spark for me and a strong feeling of longing. We will probably make this a routine, I hope to see him next week again. I feel amazing after just seeing him/spending some time this am. I am wondering if he is feeling the same way? What do you think?

22 03 2016
Larry

So you had a date, and a good date.
How does he feel? Why don’t you ask him how he felt? Then you’ll know.

22 03 2016
Lan

I mean, we did an exercise class together. It was really great, he got there early so we could talk before and then we chatted for a few minutes after, I had to go quickly. He hugged me goodbye and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Said he will txt me and that we should do it again. I don’t know if I am ready to ask him how he is feeling….

22 03 2016
Larry

I see, so you got your feet wet with an easy social activity more than one-on-one. No need to ask him about his feeling, LOL that’s not exactly what I meant, but you can ask him if he enjoyed himself or something to that effect. Or don’t say anything. It was just the first meet, if he wants to see you again, and that’s what it sounds like, it’s good enough feedback.

As you go along, you’ll find out more and more about him, about yourself, and about the two of you together.

28 03 2016
Lan

I really love having this site to reference. You read so many opinions on how affairs ruin everyone’s lives, but you put it into great perspective. As I have written before, I feel as if there is a legitimate relationship forming, one that can enhance our lives. One thing I ask, some tips for not thinking conventionally? Sometimes my fear kicks in and I worry about everything ending in ruins…..

28 03 2016
Larry

Thank you Lan. Do affairs ruin everyone’s lives? At times.
This site is not about just any affairs, this site is about Monogamous Affairs, Monogamous and Committed Affairs, with the caveat to follow Rule #6 “Be smart, be prudent”.

It is my firm belief that a Monogamous Affair with the utmost attention on not getting caught can enhance not only the lives of the 2 lovers, but also the marriages and by ripple effect the lives of the spouses of the lovers.

Will the Affair eventually end? Maybe. Nobody knows.
Ending in ruins? Depends, you have control; as long as you are pragmatic about it, be open with your lover making sure you both want the same thing; and being smart and prudent not to get caught, I don’t see any way to ruin anything.

Tips on not thinking conventionally? When with your Lover, enjoy the Affair, enjoy your Lover, enjoy the Affair. When you’re not together, just continue living your life. Nobody needs to know, nobody is judge nor jury, not even yourself.

Just enjoy it.

10 04 2016
Cornuni

“Not thinking conventionally” – I would say that you’re probably going to have to experience this for yourself in order to figure out what works best for you. I have been caught in that trap from time to time, but truly it depends on the dynamic of your relationship.

One of the things that keeps my relationship so exciting to me is when I don’t obsess over it – truly, that’s what works. You need to be present in what you are doing always. If you’re with your family, be there. If you’re at work, be there. Unfortunately, your affair partner cannot be your first priority. THAT is what makes those lines fuzzy. Try not to let your mind wander to him all the time. I know that sounds impossible at times, but it is what keeps me sane. Take care of you and yours first. It helps your mind separate the fiction from the non-fiction. It helps you cherish all the parts of your life and stay balanced.

If you start getting too caught up in the fantasy, you start wanting that more, and, to be honest, it’s an unhealthy mind space. It can easily go from desire to torment. If you feel yourself slipping into the daydreams, just take a deep breath and force yourself to focus on you first. Tackle your to-do list, take a class, start a project, go on a day trip with your family, get to the gym, work in the garden…just do something you love, and stay focused on that and only that.

…and then, when you are with him – revel in it. Take it all in, drink it up. It is a delicious moment. And then get back to life. The next moment will come soon.

16 04 2016
PAP

I have been married for 8 years….my marriage resulted from a 4 year monogamous affair. We divorced our respective spouses and married each other 4 yrs later. We have since been seemingly happy. However, i have not been happy for a while, as i started feeling like i lost myself. In the search for myself i met a man 12 yrs younger than me. We work in the same building. He is in a long term relationship but not married. He lives alone….
We met a little over 2 months ago….he pursued me very hard and we had sex within 3 weeks as my husband was out of town and that presented the perfect opportunity for us. He stated to me that he wants us to be best friends and wants this to be a long lasting relationship and i agreed as i feel and want the same. I even advised him that my husband is planning to move us to another state and he said he would visit me wherever i am. In these 2 months we have managed to see each other several times, we talk almost every day during the day via instant messaging at work. We have not had sex again as when we meet we don’t have much time and spend that time in his car. We see each other at work about once a week for a brief hug and kiss.
My dilemma or should i say fear is that he is not as interested in me as i am i him. He seems to be an expert at this and coaches me along advising me that i have to be patient and appreciate what we have. He hardly reaches out to me after work and says this is because i am not available to him and he is being precautious as to not get caught. In my mind i just think that he doesn’t want to reach out to me and uses precaution as an excuse. He goes away on some weekends and i don’t hear from him. Usually, if i reach out to him he responds….however this weekend i reached out go him and he has not responded, he is away, by the way. I am concerned because i just told him this week that i didn’t want to be married anymore and he encouraged me to stay i my marriage. That has made me feel like he doesn’t want me. In turn i asked him would he help me to stay i my marriage by being my private oasis…..he said he would be there for me, yet i haven’t heard from him this weekend and now I’m worried. I don’t wanna contact him again but i don’t know what to do. I will be able to talk to him at work on Monday if he goes in.
My question is am i overreacting? Am i letting my anxiety and fears get the best of me? I really want this to last and be special for the both of us. However, i am really afraid that he has changed his mind about me and our relationship.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
PAP

16 04 2016
Larry

Dear PAP. Thank you for sharing of your story. Everyone’s story helps everyone else. Even just knowing that what we experience individually is also experienced by other people brings comfort to many.

You asked if you’re overreacing? And the answer is that nobody knows. If you ask me, the answer that I can give you is in line with what I have written before in my articles and my responses: having an Affair is also about being patient, it’s about appreciate and cherish what we have, and being very careful about wanting more, more in terms of more time, and more in terms of a more legit relationship.

Like you mentioned, and I agree wholeheartedly, a Monogamous Affair can help us remain married; it creates an oasis – like you say – where we can seek refuge, and where we can have a great time.

From what you write I gather that you have a good time when the two of you are together, either physically or at least in contact; but when he goes radio silent, you have trouble coping with the absence.

The solution is within you, within each one of us: we all need to have and live our own life, and then a relationship, any relationship becomes a very welcome add-on to our life, an add-on that enhances our life, not something that drags us down. I know it’s not an easy thing to achieve, but it is something we should all try to have.

If you need more from your lover, just talk with him and see. You know from my writings that I am a big fan of being prudent, no need to jeopardize the delicate balance of two marriages; with careful planning you can have your Monogamous Affair that makes your life a lot better.

Did you read my article Having LESS by wanting MORE?

It is human nature to want more when we have something good. But at the same time the anticipation and the longing are part of what makes a Monogamous Affair so special, so when you finally see each other, it’s a cause for celebration and excitement. Each and every time.

I hope this helped.

23 04 2016
LAN

I need tips on not getting too carried away and keeping things at a good/even level. In the beginning phases and feel like I can’t think about anything else.

23 04 2016
Larry

Hello LAN, thank you for stopping by.
Let’s see, you met someone that you are so fond of that you have started an affair, and you can think about anything else. In my book that’s normal. You found something good, something exciting, so you are thrilled and excited. Perfectl normal behavior, and one of the benefits of a Monogamous Affair.

Not sure what you mean by getting too carried away. Enjoy the Monogamous Affair as-is, the missing the other person, the missing the time together, the longing for the next encounter, the fantasizing about what will happen and how it will happen is all part of the enjoyment of the Monogamous Affair.

Once we find something good in our life, it’s perfectly normal to be wanting it, and wanting it more. Make sure that you understand the difference between wanting more of the same (good), and wanting something different than what you have (not good).

Good read: Having LESS by wanting MORE

10 05 2016
PAP

Larry, thanks for your reply….all your comments are greatly appreciated. I would like some more guidance and insight. I am now in month 3 of this affair and for whatever reason, I am still full of concerns and insecurities. He is pretty consistent as far as responding is concerned. However, he doesn’t really reach out to me first. I am always the one initiating contact and if I ask why is this he will always state that it is because he wants to be precautious. I don’t really believe this. I don’t know why, I think it is my insecurities. I continue to want and expect more from him. I have read your article about Having Less by wanting More and it is really on point…however, I cant seem to control myself from wanting more. I enjoy my affair partner so much that I would like to spend more time with him. My husband has become suspicious and I have advised my partner and he continues to tell me that he doesn’t want my life going upside down because of him. I have explained to him that I have control over my situation but I think he is afraid.

At this point I am seeking advice as to how I can insure to keep my affair partner’s interest. I don’t want to scare him away by being too needy however, I do want to make what I want from him clear. He continues to tell me that if we want this to last we have to be discreet and I am being as discreet as I know how to be. My questing at this point is how can I trust that he will be there for me when I need him the most. I am so afraid of losing contact with him and he losing interest in me. Because of this fear I contact him almost every day…as I stated he responds almost every time.

I want to have a talk with him about our relationship but am afraid to do it via text or instant messaging because I want to make sure my point comes across right. I have noticed that at times he will not respond to certain questions or comments that I make about our situation.

My biggest fear is that I may be in way over my head with this individual and that I will end up hurt and longing for him for a very long time. I know I could just move on but I don’t want to. I feel I have found something/someone special and want to keep him in my life.

I constantly find myself thinking about him, especially when I am with my husband. All is well with my husband and I at this point in time. He has been a wonderful husband however, I enjoy my affair partner so much more at this time.

I am asking for any and all advice as to how I can make this work for the both of us long term. I don’t want to lose what I have.

Thanks again,

PAP

10 05 2016
Larry

Dearest PAP. You’re not along. What you’re going through is common, very common. Most of it is not about the Monogamous Affair, but it’s about you and your insecurities. You ask me for advice and I will give you my advice: Just don’t.
Don’t be insecure. In life we have no guarantees whatsoever, so just enjoy what you have, the relationship, and learn to enjoy the anticipation of your next encounter.
Will he lose interest in you? Nobody can know that.
My take is that nobody ever leaves something good. Wouldn’t you agree with me?
Do read again the “Having LESS by wanting MORE” article, and also read the “Your Lover is not your Spouse” article too.
If you need to talk to him about the state of the relationship, what is that you expect from him, and your hopes for the future, by all means do that, but do that face-to-face over dinner or drinks or somewhere comfortable where you have plenty of time.
There’s wide grey area between caring for someone and being overwhelming; but we all have our own standard of measure. It’s not about you being too needy or insecure or otherwise, it’s about the two of you being compatible enough. If he’s not naturally inclined to give you what you need act the way you wish he acted, to me is a sign of incompatibility at some level; to me the solution is not compromise, compromise sucks because none of the parties get what they want, and they both lose.

Compared to most other types of relationships, a Monogamous Affair has periods of no face time; of anticipation, of longing. These periods make the times where you are face-to-face even more special. Make sure you spend that precious time together in the best possible way. If you need to have a talk, by all means have that talk.

But we don’t have control over the way other people will react to our actions. At the same time you must be yourself, and who what is that you want and need. And if this leads to a termination of the relationship, so be it. Celebrate the time you had together, celebrate the memories, celebrate the relationship before these issues creep up and ruin it all.

P.S.: did you read “The Perfect Relationship”?

27 05 2016
PAP

Larry, thanks again for all the insight. I have read all the articles and they are very helpful. However, i now come to this site with somewhat of a dilemma. I have not followed all the rules for a good affair and am now suffering some repercussions and would some advice and perhaps guidance to try and solve/fix my dilemma. My affair partner and i work in the same building for the same employer, mistake number 1. Therefore, he has been very concerned and adamant about keeping this from others at work. Mistake number 2 was i shared information about my affair with a coworker, never mentioning any names.
So my affair partner went on vacation this week and i waited to hear from him. Well when he texted me it was not to say he missed me but to tell that someone told him that i shared how close we are with another coworker. Of course he is upset about it and told me he may not be able to continue this because he did not want this to get out. Needless, to say i tried to explain to him that i did not tell my coworker that i was close to him and do not understand why this person is spreading this gossip.
I am writing you for advice because i have no where to turn or no one to talk to about this. At this point I dont know what to do. He is still on vacation and i havent really heard from him since. I expressed my sentiments to him letting him know how much he means to me. I told him the ball is in his court and that i would wait to hear from him. One of his last statements to me was that i have to learn to keep things to myself forever. So i am now confused not knowing if he wants to end this or not. I have tried to keep myself from reaching out to him. I am hurt and very upset and couldnt stand the wait so I texted him after 2 days. It was a short text where i just expressed to him that i missed him.
Again, i am just seeking some advice and perhaps guidance because i am really heartbroken by this as i never wanted something like this to happen and i am not ready for this to end so soon and abruptly.
So please, i will greatly appreciate any words of wisdom as well as your opinion as to what i should expect from him. Could this possibly be the end? What is the likelihood that i will hear from him again? Is there anything i could/should do to make sure he continues?
As usual any advice is welcome and greatly appreciated.
Than You, PAP

27 05 2016
Larry

Dear PAP: I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, I really am. I have read your comment three times and I have thought long and hard before posting a reply, I wanted to make sure I was giving you something useful, this is the best that I can come up with.

First and foremost, don’t beat yourself too much or too hard. We all make small mistakes in life, at times nothing happens, at times there are some unforeseen ripple effects beyond our control.

You fell for someone who happens to work at your same company. You had no control over it. It’s done. No regrets there.

You confided with someone who reveled herself not to be as good of a friend as you thought. We have all done that at some point in our life. Lesson learned for you and for me and for everyone else. It hurts, but it’s done.

Last but not least: you and your Lover. You want the Monogamous Affair to continue, you have learned your lesson; but he’s not as forthcoming as you wish he was. He’s probably just as confused and conflicted as you are, probably more. As much as you are hurt, put yourself in his shoes: he didn’t do anything; and he’s probably wandering how much he can trust you. I am not saying that you’re not trustworthy and that you have not learned the lesson, I am sure you are and you have; I am saying that those thoughts are in his mind right now. He’s confused and conflicted because his emotional self, the one who is so very much into you and who enjoys the Monogamous Affair and your company wishes that all this misunderstanding never happened and things were to continue just as they have been, better and more. However his rational self can’t help but go into disaster prevention mode; while you have the Perfect Relationship, a Lover is not a spouse, and when one of the 2 lover is faced with a choice between the Monogamous Affair and the marriage, more often then not they will sacrifice the Monogamous Affair in order to save, or have the illusion of saving, the marriage. he now feels that his marriage has been threatened, and he needs to do whatever is in his power to save that marriage, no matter how bad the marriage is. And putting distance and buying time is an easy solution; at least for now.

I have stated this before in my articles and in my comments: we have no control whatsoever over the behavior of other people. So giving his space and time is the only logical step that you can do. He’s on vacation and you have the long weekend ahead of you. If he decides to continue the Monogamous Affair with you, you’ll hear from him. If he decides to terminate it, you’ll hear from him. If he decides that he needs time, you’ll hear from him. So, sooner or later you’ll hear from him, the only unknown is when. I understand it’s not pleasant, waiting with no timeline of how long to wait and what the outcome will be; but you have no choice and no control over it. What you have choice and control is how you live your life each and every day. So, live your life, enjoy today and tomorrow, and each and every day. It’s your life.

That’s all I have for you. Hope this helps.

26 05 2016
Lan

Larry and others on here:
I have some questions about the progression of you affairs. How long did it take for you and your lover to aknowlegde what was going on? How often did you see them in the first few weeks, months ect? When did you first get physical? How did that discussion go/how did you plan it? Just curious since I have been talking to someone but not sure where it is going, it has been difficult to schedule getting together lately and not sure when we will solidify that this is a relationship. Definitely feelings there and great when we are face to face.
Thanks

26 05 2016
Larry

Hello Lan. That’s a good question, but there’s not 1 fixed answer for that. I can only offer my perspective based on my experience, direct and indirect experience.

A Monogamous Affair is a relationship, just like any other relationship; with the caveat that both parties must be discreet.

Now, at times two people who were not looking just find themselves in that state where they never thought they would be, not only attracted to someone other then their spouses, but contemplating crossing the point of no return so to speak. That happened to me in my first affair, it was the first for me and for her as well. It was long time ago, but we flirted for months, it all seemed innocent, but then looking in retrospect it the combination of attraction and denial. I don’t remember the timeline exactly but from meeting for the first time to our first kiss it was about 1 year, give or take. Keep in mind that during this year we were business acquaintances, getting closer and closer, till we got so close that we surprised ourselves by finding ourselves into each other arms, locked in a passionate kiss.

On the other hand of the spectrum, when two people meet and they were looking for a Monogamous Affair, the flirting and conversation happens at a fast pace, there’s passion, curiosity, surprise, excitement, and if all the planets align, things can be fast, very fast, as fast as one day.. probably a couple of weeks is more likely.

So, to summarize it to you: it all depends.

I am not sure what you mean by aknowlegde, maybe in your case things are not moving as fast as you wish?

Just talk with your partner, maybe it will just be an emotional affair.

27 05 2016
PAP

Larry…Thank you so much for your comments and insight. I must say to you that this site has been like a God sent to me. It is definitely a place where i can come to and find some solace. I agree with u our comments wholeheartedly. I have learned such a valuable lesson of trust and have grown some in this short period. I know i cannot change the past therefore, i will not dwell on it.
I must say that you were spot on and i have heard from my lover today. He did not mention the incident and neither did i. We had a brief but pleasant conversation and i now feel much better although, i am still not sure if he wants to continue our intimate relationship.
Either i am just happy that he contacted me. I think its a very positive step forward and i am gonna make sure not to take care any of this for granted. I plan on enjoying this weekend to the fullest with my spouse and anxiously wait for the day when i can be in his arms again.
If given the opportunity to continue, from this moment on i will keep this beautiful secret to myself even though i wan to shout to the entire world how happy i am that i have the best of both worlds.
Thanks qgain Larry for this wonderful site.

PAP

28 05 2016
Larry

PAP you’re welcome. I started writing this blog as a way for me to say something to the world, something that was within me and needed to get out, but something that I could not tell anyone. I am glad that you and some other people finds it useful and thank you for contributing with your comments. Sharing of one’s experience helps everyone else.

Which brings me to another point: Support System. A Monogamous Affair is a special relationship, and the added aspect of secrecy adds a layer that bonds that two lovers much more than any other relationship; the Lovers become an important part of each other support system, sharing of things from every day life, to deep and profound conversations. And then there’s all the fun stuff and the anticipation of each and every meeting.

About you and your Lover. It’s good that none of you mentioned the incident, no need to regurgitate what everyone already knows, as long as measures are taken so that it doesn’t repeat in the future.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and enjoy the anticipation to your next meeting with your Lover.

8 06 2016
PAP

Larry, here I am once again, feeling a little distraught. I must thank you once again for the this forum where i can share my feelings concerning my lover. Its been about four months since we began the affair and every time i believe inhave gotten the hang of it i find myself somewhat losing sight of the benefits it offers me. I write today seeking guidance and a male perspective. As i have stated before i am 12 years older than my lover and he has expressed to me that it doesnt matter because he doesnt see me that way. However, i ofterln find myself doubting this and experiencing insecurities about his commitment to our affair. So far he has been consistent with me and alwaysvresponds to me when i contact him. He finds the time to see me when i have been available. We actually saw each other twice in the last week. With all of this i still find myself wondering if he hs changed his mind about the whole thing. I try not to obsess about it but end up over thinking it. This usually occurs most right after i have spent some quality time with him. I think its because i start wanting more and cannot wait until our bext encounter.
It is also difficult because we work for the same company. At work he is like a different person. He rarely has time to talk to me and i rarely see him. Because of this i often think the worst and gravitate towards negative thoughts. Deep down inside i know he cares and wouldnt just purposely ignore me however, i cannot stop the negative thoughts and then i often think he can sense it which i know is not good for our relationship. I want this to be fun and exciting.
I would like some advice from you as a man who has been in a monogamouz affair. What is a mans perspective when it comes to his affair partner becoming too attached? How would a man deal with it? Is there anything i should or shouldnt be doing as a woman to keep his attraction and desire for me fresh? Also, he is a very quiet and withdrawn person who believes in actions more than words. I believe this adds to my concern because he doesnt say much as far as our affair. He seems distant at times and that confuses me. When i asked him he said he misses me at times but just doesnt say anything. So my other question is for those who have managed to keep a long term affair how do you do so when you dont get to talk or see your lover often? How can one be sure that your lover will be there for you when you need them or have time? My lover doesnt like to make plans he says we will see each other when we are available to one another. However, as i stated he has made himself avaiIlable when i have had the time. What advice do you have for a woman in a fairly new affair who makes to insure longevity with her lover? I have grown very close to him and must admit that i care and have very strong feelings for him. This scares me at times.
Overall, i am seeking some guidance and advice from individuals who may have gone thru some of what i am going thru because i really am trying not to ruin a good thing.
Thanks again Larry for the opportunity to express myself to someone which i know understands my situation. Any and all advice is welcome.
PAP

8 06 2016
Larry

Dear PAP: you’re welcome about this site, and thank you for your comment.

You ask me for my point of view, and I will give you my point of view. From where I stand I see that you are happy with your Lover’s actions. The only problem is the doubts and insecurities in your mind.

If you think that’s a fair assessment, I believe that you can find the answers that you were looking for: the problems is only in your mind, your insecurities; and with time they might hinder the Affair.

Does this mean that the Affair will last forever? Nothing lasts forever. Enjoy each encounter, and enjoy the times between the encounters, the anticipation is part of the excitement of the Monogamous Affair. Don’t fall into the trap of Wanting more; because that’s how you’ll find yourself with less.

You wanted my opinion, you got my opinion.
Am I always right? Far from it.

Enjoy what you have, which is a lot. How many people do you know that have a special someone in their lives who’s looking forward to see them; and whom you’re looking forward to see as well? How many people long for the next encounter with that special someone? You have it.

Enjoy the feeling of wanting more of what you have, you’re human, you have something good, that’s why you crave more. But don’t let that craving ruin the gift that you have in your hands.

21 06 2016
Dani

I’m so happy I found this thread. I’ve been involved with someone for 8 months now. It just happened unexpectedly. We have spoke briefly about why we are together. We make each other happy, escape life’s chaos…passion!! I look forward to Monday-Friday when contact can be made. It doesn’t always happen and that is to be expected with work, marriage, children and life in general. We meet up about once a month since we live a few hours from one another. I look forward to the days when we can meet and completely let myself go. He has made me confident and a more positive person. We care about each other and know neither one of us are leaving our marriages. Now the awkward question…we both acknowledge what’s going on and don’t want it to end; that has been mentioned many times. How do I bring up a definition for what is going on or don’t I define it and live in the moment, excitement, live in the affair and stop letting my mind get the best of me? Thank you!

22 06 2016
Larry

Hello Dani and thank you for sharing your story.

From what I gather you and your lover are enjoying each other, the time together, the contacts, caring for each other, and neither of you want to change anything at home. In short, you’re enjoying your time together, even when you’re apart.

You want a definition? You can call it whatever you want.

What do you mean by How do I bring up a definition for what is going on or don’t I define it and live in the moment, excitement, live in the affair and stop letting my mind get the best of me?

Surely live and enjoy the Affair, why wouldn’t you?

You want a definition, you can define it which ever way you want. Surely it’s an Affair, and one that’s enjoyable to the both of you. Do you need to take time away from time together to come up with a word that you both agree that defines what you have? I can suggest a couple:

  • – Affair
  • – Together Time

What exactly are you looking for?

22 06 2016
Jo

Ive been involved with someone for a almost a year now. Neither one of us have any intentions of leaving our current situation. We care about one another and long for the next encounter. How do I bring address the situation with him, define it? Or don’t I and just enjoy what we have going on?

22 06 2016
Larry

Hello Jo, congratulation on your 1 year and welcome to the club.

Not sure what you want to bring up with your lover and what is that needs to be defined.

Surely enjoy your Monogamous Affair.

22 07 2016
CSZ

Im glad I stumbled upon this site… I have been in a long term relationship with a married man and was married when we met 5 years ago. He and I are in a monogamous affair that we both are very happy in. I didnt know there was such a term to describe what our relationship is ! Not that we needed a label … When we met I didnt know he was married… I found out about 6 months into dating him. I felt crushed because he witheld that from me.. I waffled on what to do… I chose to stay with him, didnt ask to many questions and would never ask or make him leave his wife. What we have is too important to look at it conventionally… It is our decision to be happy and happier together. Morality and judgement from others who believe it wrong, could never understand… The profound love that we share. I eventually divorced and have continued with my man as he is my rock my love and support. And yes the sexually chemistry amazing. We travel together many times throughout the years he takes all his vacations with me … And we see each other everyday! My life is complete this way. I am glad to be able to share my story here….
Love knows no bounds!

22 07 2016
Larry

Dear CSZ: thank you for your comment and your testimonial.
Your story is a bit different than the other as far as the start, but it’s a good story nonetheless.
Enjoy your Happy Affair!

30 07 2016
Miranda

I had an affair with a man who was a serial womaniser. He was married like me and claimed to have an open marriage. However his marriage wasn’t open as it seems because his wife apparently didn’t want to know anything about his affairs.
We fell for each other very deeply and we loved eachother. He even said that I as his soulmate. However, he still continued to have multiple affairs alongside me. Initially I felt I didn’t have a right to stop him as I was committing adultery just like him, but then it finally ate aware at my self esteem until eventually I had to let him go. I would’ve much preferred a monogamous affair. It’s ironically sanctimonious. I quite happily cheated but hated being cheated on.

30 07 2016
Larry

Thank you Miranda for sharing your story. A Monogamous Affair is a special type of relationship, one that enhances the life of the two lovers to levels that no other relationship can.
All of our experiences contribute to make us who we are, we are who we are thanks to our past experiences, kudos for you to let him go once you had enough.
Should you make the decision to have a Monogamous Affair, this blog can give you some guideline on how to go about it.
Wishing you all the best.

19 09 2016
Cornuni

Miranda: how did you know he was a serial womanizer? Was he open with you about it or did he try to keep it a secret? How did you ultimately find out?

4 09 2016
Always Anonymous

Wow, nice to see I am not alone. Here is my story. It’s going to be a long one.

I have been with my husband for 7 yrs, going on 8. And we have been married for almost 2. (He is 18 yrs older than I am, not that i think age really matters as long as we are both happy). And we are still happily married. Yes, of course the passion fades and the sparkle of love gets dim as we go about our routine of daily life. But yes ,we still love each other. We hardly ever argue, we are doing okay financially, he has great job security, ect. Does he get on my nerves sometimes, yes. Does he drink to much sometimes, yes. But any relationship will have its good and bads.

I will say, I never expected this to happen and I can’t justify my affair by saying I do it because my hubby’s an ass or we are in a loveless marriage, because that is just not true. So I’ve come to the conclusion I’m just selfish (maybe?) What do you think? Selfish right? Either way, I accept that and I have no regrets and no guilt. The only time I start to feel any regret or guilt is when I think, what if. What if I get caught, because I do NOT want to hurt my husband. I would feel terrible if I hurt him this way. So…with that being said, my lover,(we will call him Ed), and I are very careful.

I have been with my sweet lover for 8 months now. And it is great! We met at work. He was my boss. He is 13 yrs older than I. (you can say I have a thing for older guys I guess ).

He was my boss for several yrs. I noticed he was attractive ftom the beginning but honestly, didn’t give it much more thought than that. I am happily married, with 2 step children. As far as I can tell he is happily married and has 2 kids.

Well things start going badly with the company we work for. I find myself in his office more and more. I’m starting to get the sense that he has “noticed” me and likes me. I find myself attracted to him. At this point, a part of me wants him, but I still don’t think it is ever going to happen. It is still just a fantasy at this point.

Well one night after a little too much drinking I message him and I bad mouth the company, (I mean what they were doing was totally wrong and fucked up ). Keep in mind I am looking for another job at this point. I officially hate my job. So I gave Ed a hard time and really said somethings that I shouldn’t have. I read through my drunken messages the next morning and was like wtf was I thinking! I quickly apologized. He greeted me good morning and told me I don’t have to apologize. He says he wants to talk to me in person. I ask him when, like monday at your office? It was the weekend. He said that’s fine. I said or can you do today? If you don’t mind on your day off? He said that’s fine too. He asked where. I told him where ever he wants. He invites me to his house. My hubby is gone for the day so I agree. Ed asks me if we are talking as employer/employee or just two people talking. I tell him just two people talking. He invites me to a game of bball at his house. (We both enjoy the sport). It was actually a good idea, relaxed us a little. Anyway, I’m at his house, we finish our game of ball and he invites me inside. He is home alone. His wife and kids are in jamaica on vacation. I sit in a chair that is not connected to the couch. He sits on the couch. And we talk about what is going on at work.

He trys to assure me that things will get better at work. I’m doubtful. Anyway, after we finish talking about work he offers me a beer. I accept. I knew by going over to his house I was inviting something to happen. I still wasn’t sure if anything would at this point. I’m so nervous, I like the guy but what if I’m reading him wrong? What if I try and hit on him and he rejects me? Also, I’m a pretty quiet and shy person anyway, I cant think of anything to say. He has football on and we sit and sip on our beers. It’s a little awkward. He says as much. He tells me he doesn’t normally do this. I said neither do I. He mutes the tv and tells me he likes me. I tell him I like him too, that is why I’m here. He says I had this thing all planned out on what I was going to say but it’s not coming out like I planned. Then he says kiss me and let me see if anything is even there. I lean over to him and kiss him. The first of many. He invites me to his bed and we make out for a little while. He then asks me if I am sure I want to do this? He asks if I can handle it? Being married, working together. He was worried about me possibly getting mad at him at work and I told him we can both be adults about this. I assure him I wouldn’t do anything in spite of him. I tell him you don’t know me very well, but that is just not the type of person I am. I tell him I can handle it and I’m sure. I ask him the same and he says he can too.

Ahh, bliss. He picks me up and puts me on top. I will spare the details but you get the picture. Omg! Sex was amazing! So passionate and fun and pleasing. Well I have crossed that line and I don’t even feel bad about it. I am not sure at this point if we will continue to see each other or if this is a one time thing. I have to go and head home.

He later invites me to his house after work on Monday, tues, weds, and thurs. I tell my hubby I have to work overtime, which was actually true, but I didn’t have to work as much as I told him. Hey, the boss needed me to put in a couple extra hours. 😉 (yep going to hell for sure).

The week was great! We had sex all over the place. Wow. The couch, the floor, the bed, the shower, the counter. Damn I smile just thinking about that week. He explains to me that he really never, like ever gets the house alone. His wife is a stay at home mom. He said they don’t usually go on vacation without him either. He was leaving that next week to meet up with them. He actually has some work to do there. He has to go fairly often. Anyway, he goes and we text while he is gone. I realize I how much I miss him. I am definitely infatuated with him and lust for him. Which slowly turns into love.

Well he comes back, we find some time to see each other. We occasionally sneak out to “lunch” together. We always left in separate cars and usually met up in a remote place and had sex. I’ve never had sex outdoors so much before. It was kind of exciting but also frustrating sometimes that we didn’t have a private place to go. He plays ball twice a week and is able to leave early and we meet up usually once or twice a week this way. Anywhere between 30 mins to an hr. I eventually find a different job and so we can no longer do lunch. But we still meet up once or twice a week before he plays ball.

Our time together is very passionate. We usually talk and catch up a little at first, then the clothes come off. We have a couple spots where we meet up. Things are good. Things are great. Then one day he tells me his wife has picked up on him leaving early. He tells her that he has just been getting there early to warm up. She is not impressed and tells him he is not home enough and can’t leave early anymore. He stays on good behavior for a while. I meet him for lunch on my day off. I see him twice in an entire month. 😦 but we both agree we don’t want to raise suspicion. We still see each other but only once a week because he has to come up with a believeable reason to leave the his house. It’s much easier for me because my husband works and I have more time alone.

Also, back note, we have agreed to no falling in love. (Haha, who were we kidding) also once early on he almost broke things off. He said he has feeling for me and didn’t want them to progress. I told him they will fade, I said it never lasts. I tried to convince him to not break it off. He gave me an option. Two more weeks or 5 more visits. I told him 5 more visits. We start the countdown. I’m happy for what I have had with him. He said for out last visit we should get a hotel room. 5 visits later he says so this is it? I tell him, you said for our last visit we would get a hotel. He said, true, okay. Okay what I say. He says we will keep seeing each other, lets do a hotel room one day. Eventually that day comes. We can’t stay the night but we spend several hours together at a hotel. It was great. He has to go back to jamaica soon and I ask him if I can see him again. He says, let’s just see how you feel when I get back. I tell him ok. We still message each other while he is gone. He was gone for about a week. When he comes back I ask him if I can see him. He makes the time and he never brings up calling it off again.

So here we are 8 months later. We still get to see each other once a week. Usually at my place when my husband is working. I have weekdays off. But he just got laid off. This allows him to come see me but he is not in a good place. He is the sole provider of his home and I feel so bad for him. When he is with me he seems strong, happy and okay. But I know he is down and worried. What I hate most is the fact there is nothing I can do to help him. When I message him and he ignores me I know it is bc he is not in a good mood due to his situation. I wish so badly I could put my arms around him and tell him it will be okay. I wish I could give him money to put his worries at ease. I wish I could do something for him. One evening I ask him if he still like me. I was starting to think I was just bothering him. And I understand he is going through a lot. He tells me yes , he still likes me. So I decide to just let him being distant and short go. I actually get to see him the next day and he tells me that he didn’t like my message, asking if he still like me. I explained to him I felt like I was bothering him bc he has been so short and distant lately. He says you could never bother me. He tells me he feels lucky to have me. He tells me he would be hurt if I ever left him. I tell him I would be too. He says that’s a bad thing though. (He doesn’t like being vulnerable and thinks catching feelings for each other is bad). I tell him otherwise. I say we enjoy each others company, we care about each other, what’s wrong with that. I said let’s just keep enjoying each others company. And that was the last time he mentioned that.

So, one night I text him that I love him. Whoops, I swear I should have my phone taken away from me when I drink. He messages me back, let’s talk tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I don’t bring it up and he doesn’t bring it up either. We go about things as usual. Like it never happened. But the truth is, I do love him and I want to tell him so bad. But I can’t ever seem to spit it out when I’m around him. Even though I know he knows.

And man oh man, when we are together it is so passionate. We are the definition of sappy, love cliché. I feel more and more comfortable around him. Talking with him. Being with him. Just a couple weeks ago he was over and the sex was the most passionate sex we have had to date. It was the most passionate and amazing sex I have had period. The gazing in the eyes the tight grips the hands intertwined the kissing. We are lying on my bed and he starts teasing me about coming to work for him, if he opens his own business. I say maybe. He says maybe, you’d come work for me right. He says he will pay me x number of dollars and I say, well then yes. He says well maybe it’s not a good idea, he says you know you will get jealous when all the ladies start flirting with me. I smile and just shake my head. He says you know I’m teasing you right. I tell him yes. He then says to me, I don’t think I could work with someone I love so much. (I’m thinking to myself, umm, he just told me he loved me). I didn’t know what to say. I smile and kiss him. And he says plus I’d have to fire all the guys that hit on you. Then we proceed to have more sex.

I don’t know why I couldn’t tell him at that moment I loved him too. I wanted to so badly. I think a part of it is I was worried that he would run the other way. That he would say it’s a bad thing. And maybe he didn’t mean it like that. Maybe he didn’t mean I love you. We have told each other numerous times we care about each other. And all be damn, you can tell we love each other. So I messaged him later that night and I tell him I love him. I tell him I don’t know why I couldn’t spit it out earlier but I do love you. Then we just text a little about whatever. Then before bed I ask him, do you love me. He says yes I do. And I am on cloud 9. For whatever reason I feel like it has brought us even closer by sharing our love. Even though we both knew it was there, it gives you a sense of trusting that other person enough to be vulnerable with them. (In my opinion).

And here we are today. I am so worried that he will move to find a better job. My husband and I have talked about moving as well but I tell him I really don’t want to. I tell him I like my job here, all my family is here and I love where we live. Which is all true. In the back of my mind, I’m the thinking my lover is here too. And I don’t want to lose him. I asked Ed if he plans on staying here. He said he is not sure yet. But that he is looking to stay here for now but it will depend on jobs. Which I completely understand. I just really hope he finds something here. I even sent him some jobs I found when looking around for him.

In the mean time all I can do is enjoy each moment I get with him. And I do cherish our time together. We both understand what this relationship can and cannot be. We both do not want nor have any intentions on leaving our spouses. We are both happy with our home life. Which doesn’t mean sometimes I want more with him. It would be nice to be able to cuddle next to him at night before going to bed. It would be nice to have sex whenever we wanted.
But we both know in reality those things won’t happen. And that is actually okay. I think only being able to see each other once a week keeps the spark and passion alive. My philosophy has always been it won’t last. And I think science proves that. There are different stages of love and this so called honeymoon stage won’t last forever. But I think it will last a long time bc we don’t get to see each other everyday. Because we don’t share our boring daily routines with each other it keeps things exciting between us.
I can’t stop thinking about him. He is on my mind probably more than he should be. But the way I see it, it feels good to love and to be loved. I see no reason why we can’t continue this relationship. (We both agreed from the beginning we wouldn’t be with anyone else). And we trust each other. That must sound silly. But we do. I think a big part of it is when you are so love with someone you really only have eyes for that one person. I have no desire to be with another man.

Well this is super long but just thought I’d share my story. Maybe others can relate. I think the biggest part of people’s mistakes are, 1. Wanting more. Actually you have to understand, wanting more. Of course I want more, at least in my mind I do. I want more time with him. I don’t want it to be a secret, ect. But in reality I don’t know if we would work as a real couple. I really don’t know. People forget that reality is what you have already with your spouse. Sure my hubby and I once had passion too. We desired each other so badly. We got married. But love changes, it progresses into security, stability, sacrifices, compromise, ect. And that is a beautiful thing too. I have no doubt I love my husband. And no doubt I love my lover.
2. I think people need to stop feeling guilty. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Use caution, be careful, don’t get caught. Because that is what will cause pain. You only live once, enjoy it. Don’t take life too seriously. It’s too short.

I can’t say that things will last forever with my lover. Like I said, he may move, I may move, we might get sick if each other. Who knows. But until then I am going to continue to enjoy his love and give him mine. He once told me that the only time he stops thinking, is when he is with me. He says he doesn’t worry about his problems when he is with me. He is just in the moment. And that is how I will be there for him during this time of hardship for him. I can’t wait to see him again. Hopefully a couple more days.

So glad I found this website. Larry, thanks for sharing your story. It feels good to be able to come to place and share this and not be judged. It excited me that so many ppl have had such long and successful affairs. I hope ours lasts years to come.

4 09 2016
Larry

Thank you Always Anonymous for your testimonial. We love long stories, people who come here find comfort in stories, the longer the better.
You find yourself in a Monogamous Affair, and you and your Lover are enjoying it. You’re not alone, there’s quite a few Monogamous Affairs out there, it used to be a lot more common, it used to be one of the reasons why marriages lasted as long as they used to last.

Welcome to this exclusive club, enjoy the benefits of it all.

20 10 2016
Always Anonymous

Thanks Larry.

It turns out my affair may be ending in the near future. He has been looking for jobs in other cities/countries since there is not much around here. It makes me sad and if (high probability, 95% chance) he moves it will be hard. A part of me will be missing. It sucks to think about and it sucks that I know I can lose him any day now.

However, I still wouldn’t change the way things went. I don’t have any hard feelings and I understand he has to do what is best for himself and his family but I’m not going to lie, it also hurts to know he is willing to leave. But I get it because my husband may also be looking for jobs elsewhere and I would leave to if that is what it came down to. But it doesn’t change the fact, it really sucks! (I don’t know how else to put it.)

Part of the beauty is how fragile these relationships are, I just wish we could have more time together. It hasn’t even been a year yet (9 amazing months), I was hoping it was going to be more long term like I’ve read in many other posts.

Ugh…I know with time these feelings will fade and it will get easier. It’s also hard because I have absolutely no one to talk to about this, well I guess except you, if you don’t mind. I will have to keep my happy face on and act like everything is fine but on the inside I’ll be hurting and sad. I don’t want to lose him. He’s tried to find something in the area but nothing has come about.

I’m not sure I’ll put myself in this situation again. For one, it’s a huge amount of trust you are putting in that other person. You have to trust they are stable and capable of maintaining secrecy and won’t do anything stupid. I really don’t think that is easily found. I feel like I got really lucky with this guy.
Two, I realize how painful it can be when things have to end.
Three, I’m not sure if I’ll feel this away about anyone else. At least not for a long while. I love him so much.

I’ll always cherish the memories and times we have spent together and I’m grateful I’ve gotten to know him the way I have.

I guess there is nothing else I can do but keep enjoying the time I get with him and move on when he leaves.

Feeling down,
Always Anonymous

21 10 2016
Larry

Dear Always Anonymous: thank you for sharing of your story.

Your story in a way summarizes the spirit of this blog: a beautiful Monogamous Affair. Of course I am sorry that it might end, until it does . . . enjoy it to its fullest.

Keep up informed, everyone’s story helps everyone.

25 10 2016
Always Anonymous

Well, I think we had our last visit yesterday. 😦 I might possibly see him again, once…maybe…but not likely. Truth is, it’s over.

He got offered a job about 8 hrs away from where I live. Starts this week. He is still unsure of where he will end up. He’s got a couple other things in mind too. But for sure it will not be near the same town as I’m in. He may even end up leaving the country.

But we had a lovely day yesterday. He stayed for about 2 hrs. We talked a lot and when we weren’t talking we were doing some “bed cardio” hehe. I told myself I wouldn’t cry and all be damn, I almost lost it, but he made me smile, by saying, oh look she finally shows some emotion. And I held it together. We both don’t like to show our emotions much. He told me he almost didn’t come over because he hates goodbyes and he didn’t want to get emotional. I said, then people might realize you have emotions and you are not a robot and you actually have feelings! (teasing him) I told him his secret is safe with me. He’s actually such a sweet heart. There is kindness and tenderness I honestly did not expect from this man. He said he was sorry he had to leave and that he really did try to find something here. And I know he tried and I told him not to apologize. He thought I was going to be mad at him. It hurts but I see no reason to be mad. I know he has to provide for his family and do what’s best for him and his family. He asked if I would stay friends with him and I told him yes, as long as that was okay with him. He said he’d like that. We both said we probably wouldn’t keep in close contact, but maybe a hello here or there to see how each other is doing. I’ll probably keep in touch while he is in the process of moving, since there might be a slim chance of seeing him again.

Anyway, he told me he loves me and he will always carry apart of me with him, and it meant a lot to me. And it helps me accept what is. We’ve told each other we love each other, only once face to face, maybe twice. A couple times in messages, like sometimes he will say, good night love. But this visit, we told each other we loved each other more times than I can remember. (I know that is against your rules, but it works for us). We both understood that it never meant we would be anything more than what we were, but I think it felt good for both of us to know just how much we care about each other. It still amazes me how close we have grown together in these past 9 months.

So much of our last time together probably sounds cliché. But man, I couldn’t of asked for it to go better. He knew just want to say to help me put my mind at ease. He kissed me so passionately while making love to me. The way he looked at me and into my eyes, the way he touched me and caressed my face, the way he tucked my hair behind my ears. All the little things that make my heart swell with love.

However, it’s bitter sweet. I’m just trying to keep my mind busy so I don’t keep reminding myself I won’t see him anymore and I’ll never share these things with him anymore. I try and focus on the memories we’ve shared and cherish the time that I’ve had with him. Truth is I’m on the verge of tears at every moment. I’m thankful for staying busy at work and try and keep my mind busy as to not dwell.

However, if I had a chance to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I’d still do it. So yes, many may fear the day that comes where you may not be able to see your lover anymore, like me, but if it’s any reassurance, it was still worth it. That love we shared, it’s pretty amazing.

15 10 2016
KL

I am so very glad I have found this site!! Compared to the other posts I see on here, my monogamous affair is pretty new, at just under a year. It is nice to know that everything that I am feeling is normal.

I have read through several of the posts and can totally relate about the love, fears, and loving two people. I can’t wait to read more! Thanks so much for starting this site!

21 10 2016
Genie

My biggest fear as well. I asked my man this week how long he believes we can last and he said “forever” but anything can happen and the more time we spend together the deeper the feelings become. I keep trying to remind myself that nothing feels better than our time together. This week we had an 8 hour day. The longest since we started a year and a half ago and as I watched him get dressed and then say goodbye and leave I just thought I don’t want you to go. It’s killer. The deepest feelings of bliss are as deep in the hurt. If that makes sense. I hurt as intensely as I don’t.

25 10 2016
Always Anonymous

I completely understand what you mean. I’ve never gotten 8 hrs with my guy, it’s usually an hr max, a few times we’ve had 3 hours. But very rarely is it that long.
Regardless, I used to feel the way you did too. But with time it got easier to accept it the way it is. Also, oddly enough, it was after we fell in love it became easier. Because the truth is, in our minds we think we want more, we want the “full relationship” to spend nights sleeping with them, to wake up next to them in the mornings. But I came to the conclusion, the love that we feel would fade or transition and the passion would dimish. Just like it does with our marriages. I remember feeling these same feelings with the man I’m married to. But in reality, it is not sustainable in everyday life to do the things you do when you are in this passionate stage of love.
Eventually, it got easier to accept that I would only see my guy once a week for an hr or so and I was good with that. I looked forward to it every week and just enjoyed each moment with him. I didn’t worry about anything, when I’m with him I’m 100 percent with him, in the moment.
Unfortunately, I probably saw my guy for the last time yesterday. He is moving and maybe, maybe we can see each other again but in truth is, it’s over. Hurts like a bitch. But I smile at the memories I have shared with him and the love we have for each other. If I could go back and do it all over again, knowing this is going to happen, I still would. Yes, you probably can go on seeing him forever, as long as you are careful and don’t push it when the timing is not right. Worse case scenario would be getting caught. However, it is true, you never know what can happen in life.
I never expected my guy to get laid off and have to move away. I was hoping this would continue on for a lot longer. But enjoy your time with him and try not to let being away hurt you. Just look forward to the next time you see him. Feel the longing you have for him and recognize thay it is actually a good thing and that is normal and it’s okay.
I wish you a long happy affair.

26 10 2016
Genie

Let me first say to you that I am so sorry that you are hurting. I can imagine what it would feel like. Can I ask why you would cut off contact completely? I mean he is not physically near you but there are so many ways to continue communication. Email, Texts, Face Time, Phone Calls. I’d like to think that if something that drastic happened in my relationship those things would have to be okay. I would not imagine going to a place of no contact. At least not without first trying these other methods. My man and I started with email at first and it was constant. Then it almost became non existent and we tried to see each other monthly. That has been pretty much the way we have always done it. Once per month for a good amount of time. At least 6 hours. He’s not much of a writer so while in the beginning we were trying to catch up (we’d known each other in hs) as we progressed the texting was not working for him and I had to adjust to that because I actually liked the texting. I’d text all day, he will not. So we’d try for a phone call once a week but sometimes it stretched to two. I remember a period when we went more than 4 weeks without having a meaningful conversation. It was hard. But we have a rhythm now. Even still, sometimes I’ll just send a video clip of a kiss or a hello. A photo and I’ll ask him for the same. He too has a volatile work thing. Lot’s of pressure and I had to learn that that was an important thing for him that had to come first as he has a family to support. It took a lot but I’m there. Not to say I don’t get upset when he has no time to reach out but I understand it better now and I say to myself … out loud.. this has nothing to do with you.. he’d reach out if he was able. And I know he would.
Now on to what you mentioned. “the love that we feel would fade or transition and the passion would diminish” You know.. I ask myself this question so often. Would this be the case. I’m not 100% it would. Believe me I can understand that conclusion. Life is a tough business. Relationships are hard. Life is so hard.. Marriage is a full time job. Needs constant nurturing. I think the majority of people stay in them unhappy. That being said. In my current life situation, if I had the opportunity to be with my man at this stage, full time, wake ups, weekends, dinners, socials, the whole thing… would I eventually be unfulfilled? Would the passion diminish? I don’t think it would for a few reasons. One, at my age, range between (50-60) I believe it’s an end of life or late stage of life relationship. Am I explaining that correctly? Not saying I’m near death or, elderly, out of shape, none of that.. just that at this stage I’m set in my ways, I know what I want, I know what I like. Second, the everyday pressures of raising a family, money, learning to live with one another over a 20 + year period, that is all not a factor. Those are things that I believe hurt a marriage. No communication, or little, misunderstanding each other. Those things do not enter this current relationship I could be completely wrong. What do you think of that? I’m not saying that I want to be with my man full time. Believe me, that is not what I want. I just have thought about both sides of if I could be… would i want to be. I actually wish that I had a deep passionate love for my spouse like I have for him. But that is not to be at this stage. So I am here. I love them both. For completely different reasons. I do want more. More time, more conversation, more intimacy, because he make me feel desired. Like I matter. Like I’m the only women on the planet. That is something I gave up a long time ago. And I never actually felt the sting of it being missing but having been in this for over a year now, I greatly missed it and I would suffer so much if we were not to be. So I take great care of this situation. I’m careful and methodical. I need some work on continuing to nurture my marriage, but I’ll get there. I hope. They are both very important.
Again, I really hope you have some ties to him still. And you get some joy from it in a less physical way.

5 11 2016
Always Anonymous

HI Genie,

I thought no contact would make it easier to get over him. Let’s just say that didn’t happen. We have messaged each other everyday since he’s been gone. And truth is I like it and it does make me feel better to know that I’m still connected to him. I have my good days and bad days. Some days I feel fine, other times I get a little depressed wondering if I will see him again. But you are right, it is nice still talking with him. It is easy now bc he is alone seeing if he likes his new job or not and if he will want to stay there and live there. Once his wife and him are back undet the same roof, I know it will be harder for him to communicate with me. But we will just take it a day at a time for now.

I understand what you mean end of life relationship and I can understand how it would be less stressful. Just my belief is that the passion always fades, not necessarily from the stresses of life, it’s just from being around someone so much, ex: living with someone, or being with them everyday, I’m sure there are things that would get old or on your nerves, possibly or expectations being let down. When you are with some all the time, I just feel eventually that passion fades. And I’m pretty sure science says so too. Now, can it last longer than average, I say absolutely. However, each person is different and I’m not saying it’s impossible, but just my personal opinion, it won’t last forever. I know that sounds bleak but from my experiences of love it always fades. Not that you don’t love that person anymore, it’s just a different phase of love. It transitions.

I mean, right now in my heart I feel like it could last with this guy, my my mind says, you know it won’t. I usually only listen to my heart but I’m trying to be more rational and less emotional. Haha.

Truth is I miss him terribly and I hope I get to see him again.

I’m glad things are working out for you and that you are happy with what you have. 🙂

6 11 2016
New to this

I am glad I came across this website today. I am still coming to grips with my extra relationship as it is relatively new – 3 months and we both are married, he’s got kids and I don’t though. We both love our partners, but have found our deep connection even though there is a decent age gap too. We both know that it is going to be a long term commitment and that scares me as I didn’t want to be a mistress (in the sense) I maight talk to him about what I’ve learned today but also ask, how do you keep the balance emotionally? It has been hard the last month as things have developed more with my second man.

6 11 2016
Larry

Welcome to the Club! You’re now experiencing what’s called the New Relationship Energy, and it’s exciting and euphoric.

You’re in a Monogamous Affair, you are both Lovers enjoy everything that comes with this relationship.

How to keep balance? Everyone is different, learn to enjoy the agony of the waiting game, isn’t wonderful to have someone in your life whom you can’t wait to see?

Since you’re new to this, I strongly encourage you to read the articles in this blog, a few that come to mind are:

Most importantly, enjoy your lover, enjoy the affair, and enjoy yourself.

8 11 2016
PAP

Good morning everyone, its been a few months since my last post. I have gone thru some changes and a lot of turmoil while trying to figure this whole affair thing out. It has been 9 months since we started and it has been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride (mostly due to me). To refresh everyone, in my last posts I was concerned and a little distraught due to issues within my affair and my lack of patience and understanding of the situation. Time has been my friend thru this all is it has been to most of you. I must say my affair partner has been pretty great thru this all. He has pretty much stayed the same while I have gone thru changed. Thank you once again Larry for this forum where we can share stories and discuss issues with each other. I will give a little background of what I have been thru this summer and perhaps this will help some of you realize the importance of staying true and being patience while accepting that less can be more when it comes to your affair. The fact that I wanted more from my affair sent me on a whirlwind rollercoaster this summer. It all started with my husband going thru my old cellphone after I purchased a new one (please be careful with this). I communicated with my partner via an app that I downloaded on my phone and did not realize that the app was saving sent items on my phone. When I switched phones I thought I cleared out everything in my old but there was a sent file that the app saved. My husband found pics I had sent. Luckily, it didnt show tonwhom they were sent. However, this caused a problem nontheless. Once my husband saw the provocative pics he wanted an explanation. I gave him the partial truth and caused an uproar and he asked me to stop talking to my affair partner and I said I couldnt, even though I swore it was not a physical relationship. Since I said I would not stop talking to my partner my husband asked me to leave and I left. I thought this would make things better with my affair because I wanted more and now was available to get and give more. Boy was I wrong! My affair partner did not like this at all. He kept telling me I made a mistake and then withdrew from me. So i was left with no husband and technically no lover. I then met someone else and started an affair with him all the while longing for my affair partner. When we did speak he was concerned with me seeing other people because he strictly wants a monogomous affair. When things didnt work out with my new affair i proceeded to go back to my husband. I did this dance about 3 times this summer, leaving my home two more times. During this ordeal my husband and I even tried counseling and ilI just wasnt interested because I wanted more from an outside source. All the while i kept contact with my monogamous affair partner but he was very distant and always had excuses for not seeing me. He would promise to see me soon and soon never came. I left my husband for the 3rd time oct 1st this time believing it would be for good and trying to leave my affair partner behind as well because he would not give me what i wanted which was him. He did however reach out to me a few times by phone which broke all his own rules of contact. I did not respond however as I was busy at the time. I believe this sontributrd to his fear that i had cut him off. It is now November and I have decided to go back home and work things out with my husband. I have not moved back in yet. However, I have started to rekindle things with my affair partner as well. He told me that he thought i cut him off and i explained that I would not do that because I love him. I also explained that I only oull aeay to prevent him from hurting me because of my frelings for him and his ability to be so nonchalant about the whole thing. I felt like I just had to tell him because of all I have been through. I also explained that I really just wanted him although I know I could not have him. He confirmed that he has feelings for me too although he did not use the word love but I now know that he does. After our conversation I became a lot more patient regarding our situation however, I just had to see him just to solidify the whole thing. I became a little antsy because at first he was still being his nonchalant self when it came to us seeing each other and began to piss me off. I did promise to be patient this time so that our situation would work out for us. I definitely didnt want to create the chaos I had previously created. I can say that discussing our situation and feelings helped me so much. I was on cloud nine just knowing how he felt about me and that he is still willing to continue our affair. I was so happy that entire day just knowing what I know. I experienced how he makes my life better by just being in it. Just thoughts of him make me smile. Its an incrediblenfeeling that I never want to lose again. After what seemed like an extremely long weekend and Monday, I got to see my dear partner yesterday. It had been 5 months since I held him in my arms. It was such a wondeful feeling. Everything stood still for me for about an hour and a half. Not much time but just enough to take in his scent and to give him all the love I have been holding inside. I can admit that I am finally getting the hang of this. I finally realize how great this can be for us. How knowing that I have him wnhances every day of my life. To think that I actually considered cutting him off. I mustve been insane thinking that I coukd go without the feelings of love and bliss that I experience with the mere thought of him. I must honestly say that seeing him last night calmed a lot of my concerns. He really is great with this all. He is really patient and always responds to me. We dont see each other daily or talk daily but I am ok with that now. I trust that he will be there for me if I need him. I explained to him that I need him to reach out to me every now and then and I believe he understands the importance of that. I want to express to you all that there is light at the end of the tunnel if you stick with your affair and all the guidelines. I will not rock this boat anymore. I have learned so much from this experience from my partner and from all of you. Thanks for the opportunity to share my experience and to learn from all of yours.

10 11 2016
Selena

So glad that I stumbled across this page. Is it still active? I have been involved in a monogamous affair for 4 years and this blog and the comments are definitely of interest to me. Thanks for touching upon this taboo subject.

12 11 2016
KL

It is still active. Posts are not daily. I enjoy reading about the affairs of others, because every monogamous affair is so different. Mine is very different from the others, but it fits us. Enjoy the blog and welcome!

12 11 2016
Larry

Hello Selena and thank you for stopping by.
Like KL said, this is not one of those blogs where there are daily posts. I write something when I get inspired or when I feel I have something of quality to contribute above and beyond what’s already in this blog.

And then there are the testimonials of people who contribute their own experiences, you can read about those and share of your own. There’s value in sharing and reading what everyone else has shared.

12 11 2016
KL

So, I think it is about time that I share my monogamous affair. I think we have broken all of Larry’s rules. We say ‘I love you’, because for us it is natural. I have been with him for 11 months now. The intriguing thing about us is that we love to do social thing and out spouses are home bodies. My drive is through the roof and so is his, so that is so refreshing! He has two boys and I have a son and daughter. We make it a point to spend time together. But unlike so many on here we do spend extended time together. Yet, he lives in another state. This is not something I was looking for, I wanted someone local, but it seems the local guys were only interested in sex. I wanted to talk, care about (love), and have a friendship with him. We started texting and the conversation just seemed to totally click. I tried… gawd I tried dating local guys. But nothing clicked like we did so I just decided to let it go. He loves 4 hours away, but his career has him traveling all over the country. So coming here every month is not a flag or a big deal. Since I work from home, I can spend the entire day with him and then at night we get together because I’m ‘going out with friends’. My hubs has no reason to think I’m having an affair, so there’s never a question. And one of my friends offered to cover for me… though I never mentioned I was having an affair… she just knows the my hubs doesn’t fulfill my needs. So I have spent over 15+ hours a day with my affair. But the flip side is that often I have to go a month (that’s the longest so far) without seeing him. We text everyday, he calls me (both work phones and spouses have no bills to look at). Every night before bed be text about our day, share the stresses of work, talk about kids, it is amazing! We also take trips… we have spent 4 days in the mountains (which is funny, because my hubs said I needed to get away and forced the trip… my affair just joined me). We have been to NYC and have a trip to Kentucky to complete the bourbon tour… his fav. In the beginning I cried when he left… now I look forward to our next adventure. He is amazing! When I’m having a rough day, all of the sudden… it’s like he knows and calls me. And gawd can we talk about anything! Politics, religion, our spouses, kids,m… the list goes on. Which is something that is definitely missing at home. Just the depth of conversation we have is sooo needed. Larry- thanks for this blog. It helped me realize that the feelings I am having are normal! Whenever I searched in the past I felt guilt and shame. How can something that feels so right be shameful? Well, the truth is… I’m living life and love the way this makes me feel! I tell him all the time he’s my drug… and he totally agrees.

12 11 2016
Larry

You’re very welcome KL and thank you for sharing of your experience.

18 11 2016
Always Anonymous

Wow. PAP, sounds like you have been through a lot lately. Glad you got things figured out with your hubby and affair.

My affair partner has moved about 9 hrs away. We both thought we were going to end things and cut off communication but we havent. And truth is it has made it easier being able to talk to him still. We are going to try and see each other again soon, but I’d say it’s a 50 /50 chance. I don’t know what the future holds for us and I can only hope we still get some opportunities to see each other. I didn’t expect to have an affair with someone that is so far away. I’m still not sure if it will work but I like that we are just taking it a day at a time and are able to communicate via messages for now.

KL, I have to say I’m jealous of the time you get spend with your man. Lucky you. 🙂 Fingers crossed that I might get a couple nights with my guy. It’s been 4 weeks (on monday) since I’ve seen my guy, and damn, I didn’t realize I could miss someone so much.

It does hurt that he has moved and that I know I won’t be able to see him much anymore, if at all. I’m not really sure how this story finishes. I look back and see how lucky I was to see him once a week, even though of course at the time, I wanted more. Now, I wish I could just get that back. Anyway, no point in dwelling as to what is, because it just is, right?

Take care all,
Always Aynonymous

21 11 2016
KL

Yes Always Aynonymous the aching because you miss them is always there. But the time you are together is amazing. This stretch for us has been the longest so far, because of Thanksgiving… but we have big plans for when we see each other, so it’s totally worth the wait. The awesome thing is communication while you are apart. And it sounds like you two are doing that. I hope you two are able to see one another soon.

10 01 2017
Pap

Happy New Year Larry and all of you! I must thank you once again Larry fir this blog and all you ladies for all the enlightening stories. I am now in month 11 of my monogamous affair. I never thought it would last this long although, I always hoped it would. I must say that thus blog is so great because I can come here when im feeling down and misunderstood by the world and feel comfort. I feel like I belong and im not alone with this situation I have. It also helps for me to be able to read my own previous posts and see realize how great my life actually is. Although I dint always get what I want…I have more than most. I am truly blessed. I have a husband that loves me and a lover that not inly loves me but inspires me as well. I have been reading all the posts for the past few days because I was down a little and looking for answers again as I always seem to want more. I dont get to really spend time with my man and I envy most if you who at least have a schedule if some sort. My lover still wants to play by ear.. when we are both available he says. I am used to it now as I have realized that he really means he will make himself available to me. He has been good thus farv with this. He always responds to me however still doesnt reach out first. He says is just precaution. I understand however it frustrates me at times. He is very protective of his feelings. He rarely expresses to me how he feels or what he is thinking. He says his actions should speak for themselves and yes, he always is the same, making himself available whenever possible. I often as myself if i am just being selfish and asking for too much? Its just that i want more, yes, and not more in the sense of leaving my home and marrying him but more in the sense of time, experiences, opportunities, memomies, and so on. Hiwever, i must admit that he does give me what he can. He will say things to me that amaze me at times and show me how much he cares. With the new year i wanted and asked for solid plans where we can see each other more. His response, he has responsibilities at work and outside of work so i should understand. When i told him i am concerned he told me all that matters is that we are still together. He simplifies it all and it makes so much sense to me and i see exactly what he means. I then told him i was upset with myself for the chaos i caused and he told me its ok, the past is the past and WE should look toward the future. That comment made me ecstatic as it tells me he sees us with a future, where i thought we wouldnt make it. I have told him that i love him and he has told me that he loves me too. What i feel for him right now is so beautiful that i cannot explain it. I feel as though i am rambling but there is so much to say. I had seen him a few times briefly at work for hugs and kisses until last Friday when he hung out in his car for a while. We talked and laughed and ended up having sec. Not what i wanted as ibwanted it to be much more romantic. Either way i loved it. We hadnt had sex since April last year so it felt realky good. He expressed how soecial it was to him and we said i live you to each other. I smiled all weekend. I even wrote him dome poetry cause he has become my muse. Today i wanted to see him since i had time but some miscommunicated messages made it impossible. This is why i dont like texting but we dont xall because i dhare a phone plan and my husband checks my call log. I wish i wouldnt had made the mistake of sharing some things with my husband last summer. I now have to work harder to be discreet. Since we didnt see each other today we texted for a couple hours. I adked some things that have been on my mind. He was so responsive and accomodating and apologetic for the miscommunication. I am now convinced he loves me and cares however it only makes me want more. Is more times and cincrete plans too much to ask? Pkease share your thoughts with me. Am i being blind? Does anyone think he will ever open up? All i need/want is more verbal emotion. He told me he thinks about me and i make him happy i just yearn for him to be more expessive emotionally with me….since we cant see each other iften i want to hear that he misses me akthough i know that he does. In spite of it all i will love him and let him love me. Thank you again to all of you for the stories and the opportunity to tell my story. I leave you with the thoughts i wrote to him…

My Conflicted Heart
You make me so happy yet i cant stop the tears from falling cause i miss you
All i want is to see you yet seeing you is not as important as keeping you in my life is

How can something so right be so wrong

I want everything from you yet whatever you give is always more than enough
Every minute spent with you goes by so quickly yet every minute without you seems like an eternity

I want all of you yet i accept that i cannot have all of you

P. S.  I love you, i love you, i love you
There is no conflict in love for you

19 11 2016
Sarah

Is this blog still active?

20 11 2016
Larry

Hello Sarah. I don’t post every day, I write only when I am inspired to write something relevant on the matter. You’ll find plenty of readings in the articles and people’s testimonials in the comments.

22 12 2016
Farrah

This reminds me of my current, long term, monogamous affair:

“I want to be the one you didn’t see coming.
The one who gets under your skin.
Who makes you unsteady.
Who makes you question everything you have ever believed about love.

I want to be the one who makes you feel reckless
and out of control;
the one you are infuriatingly and inexplicably drawn to.

I don’t want to be the one who tucks you into bed;
I want to be the reason why you can’t sleep at night.”

– Lang Leav

I actually sent that to my affair partner and he liked it.

12 01 2017
TheEpiphaniesContinue

Reading this site, and other people’s experiences has helped me tremendously. I had my first affair about 2 years ago, still see him from time to time, however it has overall been terribly unfulfilling – unsatisfying. In large part because he is single. I am the married one. Strike #1. I don’t feel that he’s ever been able to fully let go, and enjoy it for the joy it’s brought to our lives. I know why after reading this blog – we haven’t bonded over the shared risk… I have everything to lose, he- well, nothing.

To add to the drama, I’ve recently connected with someone whom I was utterly and completely in love with 20 years ago… I’ve seen him twice, the fire is still there, all the memories and nostalgia of how deeply and utterly in love with him I was came flooding back…. but after having made amends for a horrific break up, and seeing him twice (passionate lovemaking included) I can’t help shake a sense that something is off…. I haven’t yet gotten from him what I truly seek – and again, it wasn’t until reading this site had I realized exactly what that is. I am looking for that special bond that forms when BOTH people are married.

Something that stuck with me: “A Monogamous Affair is about two individuals complementing and enhancing each other’s life in order to reach new level of joy, bliss and happiness.”

Enhancing each other’s lives… wow. That is huge. At its peak, my affair of two years made me a better wife, mother, friend. I had a zest for life, the motivation to be the best version of myself came back. However it quickly faded as I became cranky and upset most of the time, depressed at the inequity of longing. I had always felt I needed the affair more than he needed it. Why would he need it? He’s single….

Makes total sense to me. Thanks to everyone for being so open and honest and sharing your experiences, love and hearts… xoxoxo

24 01 2017
djaneausten

Hello…thank you all so much for posting your stories here! I need HELP! I am 1.5 years into my first, and hopefully only, monogamous affair. Neither of us were seeking an affair, but fell deeply in love with each other, (crossed the line with the L-word and broke many of these rules long ago) and are only staying in our marriages for the kids’ sakes. No turmoil at home, just friends/roommates with our spouses and no plans or desire to ruin our kids lives at this point. We dream of a future together though – someday maybe when the kids are grown, but we have the added logistical difficulty of being EXTREMELY long distance – to the tune of over 5,000 miles! Thankfully he has the means to travel, and we have been together for 3-4 days at a time 11 times over the past 18 months. We grow deeper and more connected emotionally every time, so the separations are becoming more and more difficult, but it is SO WORTH IT! It is truly the most beautiful relationship I have ever had, but the jealousy I feel is a very real demon for me…like nothing I have ever experienced in any relationship before! It is killing me! We BOTH are in the same boat with our spouses/families so you’d think I would understand when he has to do things for his wife or spend money on her, etc., but the thought of him being with her at all, let alone sexually (as rare as that happens) is sometimes more than I can take. We used to tell each other everything about our lives at home, but it got too difficult for both of us to know about those intimate details so we stopped. He just left for a family vacation yesterday and I am a mess! I’m struggling so much to lose the images in my mind of him being in a beautiful place with someone other than me! We also will be going from talking/chatting several times a day to nearly zero, so that is also a big part of it. My lifeline to him will be severed for over two weeks! I will be taking my own family vacay in a couple months, so I know this is totally irrational and silly, but I can’t seem to let it go! And, he broke the news to me last week that his wife wants a big anniversary trip, ALONE with him, in a couple months…KILL ME NOW!! For the first time in our relationship I had to unfollow him on Facebook because I just can’t stand to see the photos or know what he is doing with her. Shouldn’t I just be happy for him for spending that time with his kids? I have done some deep soul searching for answers as to why I am struggling so much with this and have found some pretty ugly insecurities about myself that I’m sure are a big part of the problem (of course she is skinnier and younger than me (by one year) – ha!) but this is ridiculous. Can anyone else relate? I KNOW he loves me and there is zero romance between them, but still…how the hell will I cope with an anniversary trip just the two of them alone if I can’t even deal with this family trip!?!? He wants me to stay in touch and let him know how I am doing while he’s away (he knows I struggle with the jealousy), but I am keeping my distance for now because I don’t want him to ever feel guilty for putting his family first. I know I will break down in tears if we talk so I am writing to you all instead. PLEASE HELP!

24 01 2017
Larry

Hello Djaneausten: thank you for sharing your story, it helps everyone reading it; and it helps you venting a bit too. Most everyone reading these pages can relate to most of what you describe.

You ask for help, and from what I read you have already found the solution: don’t follow each other on Facebook and don’t talk about details involving the spouses. I have mentioned that in other comments, and I have been meaning to write an article on the matter. One way to cope with what you are experiencing is to limit the conversation to the subject of just the two of you. It’s not ignoring the reality, it’s not letting reality that doesn’t belong to the time together to rob of the precious time together. And by time together I mean not only the time person-to-person but also any other form of communication. If you’re writing him an email, it’s time together; so is if you’re reading his email.
You’re going out to dinner with your spouse, you can tell your lover that you went out to dinner, no mention of with whom; and – of course – nobody asks details either.
Call it a don’t ask don’t tell policy so to speak.
Is it optimal?
It works. You two create your own world, that belongs only to the two of you.
And, as I said before in my writings, a Monogamous Affair is a great addiction to someone’s life. When you are not with your Lover your life continues, get busy, don’t let your mind idle, your Affair is part of your life, but it’s not your Life: you are.

I wish you good luck.

25 01 2017
djaneausten

Thank you so much! I know you are right, but it will be hard to go backward in our communication when we have shared so much of everything in our lives for so long. How could I NOT know that he is going on vacation with his family for two-weeks, or when he goes away with her? Of course he will have to tell me the truth – maybe not details but I’ll know because he’ll be out of contact. We vowed to never lie to each other from the very beginning – omission of sexually intimate details of our marriages has been the only boundary thus far but maybe it needs to be more? Staying busy helps…but he is such a big part of my daily life that this communication blackout is torture! I am also just longing for the freedom to be able to take a trip like that together. We are confined to our secret places and have to sneak and hide, when we would give anything to experience a real life and be able to travel openly together. I know I can’t have it both ways, but it hurts nonetheless. Thank you again for this forum….it really helps to know I’m not alone!!

24 01 2017
Milani

. Hi,

Finding this site couldn’t come at a better time in my life, I need advice.

My story is a little different as it’s developing as we speak. Ive been marrried for under a year but have been together for 12yrs. Recently Ive been feeling really disconnected and decided that maybe talking to a random stranger might be fun and distracting. I went on this chat site (which Ive never done before) and talked with a few people. Nothing interesting until I met this incredible man.

The connection we have is like nothing Ive ever felt before, it was instant! We spoke for a few hours and it’s been a little Over a month now. Things have been so hot between us from late night sexting, orgasms, skype, talking on the phone and we plan to meet really soon and have god amazing sex! He lives about 5h away from me but is moving really close in the next few weeks. He is also married for over 15yrs and has 2 kids, I don’t have children.

We both honestly never expected to be falling for someone else so soon but it’s like we are soulmates. We have talked about anything and everything and said to always be open with each other. We call each boyfriend and girlfriend and we’ve crossed the lines of I love you. He says his marriage is over and that they are just staying for the kids. I’m not in the same situation so I can’t relate to that. We both feel like we need to go for what we want and if that means being happy with someone else so be it.

Im getting really attached to him and I feel like he is to. He’s vocal about his feelings and he makes me feel truly loved even if it’s been such a short time. I need advice if what my next move should be. I do want to meet him and be with all of him. What shall I do ?

24 01 2017
Larry

Hello Milani, welcome to this site and welcome to the club. Although you have not really passed the point of no return (sex), you are part of this club: congratulations.

I can read the excitement in the lines that you wrote, isn’t it a wonderful feeling?
Enjoy it. Enjoy it all.

You asked what should your next move be. This is an emotional decision, a decision that – from what you wrote – seems like the two of you have already made, meet up and take it to the next level; and everyone in this forum is rooting for the two of you. That’s your next move.

I wish you good luck.

24 01 2017
Milani

Hi Larry,

I agree that we bit honownwhere this is going and I can say that we are both excited about it! Will keep you posted in the developing story!
Thank you

2 02 2017
RUTH

I was not aware that this type of relationship had a ‘label’ until I stumbled upon this site some time ago and have come back to time again to read your comments and to think. I’ve been involved with a wonderful man for over 12 years. We are both married, my 3 are teens now and he does not have any children. We know each other’s spouses through social engagements but the 4 of us are not ‘friends’..we have friends in common and have attended many social engagements together, which was awkward.

I am not sure why I’m sharing now…this man and I complete each other. He energizes me and I him. When we are out together, whether at a store, dinner or with ‘our’ friends we ‘hold court’. We have been told that the synergy we bring into a room or a project is what creates the magic and it draws others to site at our table or just hang with us. We laugh often as we create and work together.

Our relationship is founded on friendship built on direct communication, trust, love and an attraction that is not only physical, but spiritual. We respect each other’s lives. We have talked about our relationships, our families and he has known and interacted with my children since they were little (as I mentioned above they are in their mid to late teens now).

When we have time apart, which I referenced as the’black hole’ we both experience signs of depression, loss of initiative, energy…don’t get me wrong, we function well when we are apart, it’s just not with 100%. When we meet after a ‘black hole’ the chemistry in just holding hands is like a warmth that spreads throughout both of us. We get almost giddy, stupid, laugh and share big goofy smiles…all this just after sharing a hug or sitting across from each other over coffee, a quick chat on the phone…sigh. It’s all still rather new to us both. We have lived our lives with integrity and above all would not want to hurt anyone. We both love our families. Our families are aware we are friends.

Our relationship became physical after a few years and has blossomed beyond anything either of us has experienced before. We FIT so perfectly on all the levels and share a sense of abandonment and adventure that we have not shared with any previous partners, spouses included. He is the key to my soul, one touch and I feel grounded. We have both said that we now understand what all the songs have been written about, from any era.

As of today, we are still maintaining everything well. I saw him for the first time in over a month of almost no communication, Xmas is busy and we shared a few hours of pure bliss. Whether we spend 5 hours or 2 days together, time stops for us…what I mean by this is that time just seems like moments, not hours or days. We never want to part and when we do it takes days to comprehend why he is not “here” to touch, hold or love. So we wait until the time presents itself again.

No one knows about us. We are not sure how that would go over…I am friends with his 2 brothers and we all get along really well.

I will be honest with you…this past holiday and birthday (I am over 50 now) and my thoughts tend to move to the future. In 2 years or so our home will be without children, they will be adults and attend school.

Here is my question, and I appreciate any feedback or comments you’d like to share. I would ask you not to judge – we have done that too often. Playing devils advocate is a role we are familiar with. We did not set out to have this relationship and now it seems, living without it would be a very hard choice. Our spouses are some of the finest people – kind,caring,supportive.

How does one break the pattern – either walk away from him and focus 100% on our relationships and family or plan a future together….even writing this feels awkward. I love them both, he loves both. My deepest fear is that if our relationship became ‘discovered’ it would end with some negative impacts…don’t think we haven’t discussed all the scenarios.

If you have loved another human being outside of your marriage with a fresh abandoned passion, which you never thought you’d experience, how do you let go of that and return to ‘dependability” Is one pure fantasy and one reality and if so, which is which?

2 02 2017
Larry

Ruth: what a great testimonial of a Monogamous Affair. Congratulations! I enjoy reading your story, but then I was puzzled at the end. Why ending it? Why ending something that brings you so much positives into your life? The Black Holes how you call them is just something that is part of the deal, and – in a way – makes it as special as it is.

As far as fear of being ‘discovered’ the both of you have to be smart, and not take undue risks; you owe that to yourself, to your Monogamous Affair, and to your spouses. You can pick up some thoughts and suggestions in these articles:

  1. Rules for a Monogamous Affair
  2. Logistics for a Monogamous Affair
  3. Having LESS by wanting MORE

You and your lover should enjoy the times together, the devil needs not advocates, he does fine on his own. Do talk about being prudent in logistics and behaviors, and then…. just enjoy what you have.

Glad you stopped by.

2 02 2017
djaneausten

Larry – I’m so sorry for replying here with a tech question/problem, but, I just had an email come from this site to my OTHER Gmail account because I accidentally used that email address instead of my secret gmail address when I sent a reply! (It actually autofills with that address for some reason). Can you PLEASE remove it from this page so I don’t get any more reply notifications there!? THANK YOU!

2 02 2017
Larry

@djaneausten I took care of it, the other email is now deleted from the system and replaced with the email that you used in this comment.

2 02 2017
djaneausten

Wow Ruth! I can soooooo relate to all you have said and we feel the exact same way when we are together on all counts…and the black hole when we part -a perfect description – is devastating for us both. I appreciate Larry’s advice to continue to do both for as long as possible, but when you really deeply love someone, of course you want to be TOGETHER…for all the world to see…and never want to be apart…EVER! I am looking at an empty nest in a few years too, and I know who I WANT to spend the rest of my days and nights with, but the devastation it would cause my family is hard to imagine…even when the kids are grown!

I wish I had an answer for you, but I know that doing both forever just does not seem plausible, at least not for me. Maybe there are some who can truly do both without wanting more (and without the soul crushing jealousy that I am struggling with), but maybe it’s just because I am not in-love with my husband and haven’t been for a very long time, if ever. I respect him as a person and he’s an incredible father to our kids, but beyond that we are friends/roommates at best.

I hear all the stories/statistics of how marriages that start as affairs usually don’t last, but I personally know of a few who have endured and they are much happier in the second marriage. I’m sorry I don’t have much advice to offer, but hopefully knowing you are not alone helps. I would say to follow your heart and not your head, and to choose the one who makes your heart sing!

Best wishes to you!

P.S. (I would love to chat/email with you privately somehow…I could really use a friend who understands this!!!)

2 02 2017
Djaneausten

THANK YOU!!

3 02 2017
RUTH

Larry I can honestly say that I don’t want things to end. Reading your reference material does help but deep inside me…I KNOW who I want to wake up to. Life is short, truly it is. I had a dream that something happened to him and I couldn’t get to him. I had to hide how inconsolable I was…to realize that we’d never had a chance to ‘celebrate’ our gift openly and daily.

We all have to face life realities one day, don’t we?

How can our love continue this way…I mean in all honesty I never dreamed I’d ever be in this type of relationship or have it last for so long…like 5 minutes long. Every moment with him is like the first time. We have had a few not so nice moments, while working on various projects but over time we have learned about each other and respected how we each approach something.

Being in this type of relationship does not really fit into planning retirement…time when the kids are grown and the parents have time to reacquaint and build a new relationship. I already know that my heart won’t be in it and I am running out of reasons. Pressure to be physical will rise to the top…as right now I am able to manage not having intimacy, which in truth is not fair to my spouse. It’s not..it does cause stress…I was never one to date 2 guys at once and look at me now. My husband is a salt of the earth man and when I think of how this would impact him….devastating, truly. .

My lover has imprinted my heart, body and soul. I respond to him only physically, as he does to me. We are in tune and as mentioned we FIT. I’ve grown with him, and he with me sexually. We continue to have ‘firsts’ and we’re 50! I mean really! lol How ever did this happen?

Larry we do enjoy what we have…tremendously! It’s mitigating the future, how do so that has me perplexed..I just have not been able to solution it for this stage in life. Starting over, or making the break and being together for the remainder of our lives is an overwhelming thought…and most likely not feasible at this time financially, or emotionally. Time will tell.

I do appreciate you responding and djaneausten, please provide your email and I will write to you privately.

Good night for now..

3 02 2017
Larry

RUTH: and good morning to you.

I understand when you say I can honestly say that I don’t want things to end. Reading your reference material does help but deep inside me…I KNOW who I want to wake up to. Life is short, truly it is. , my point is that if you can’t have that, is terminating the affair a viable alternative solution?

3 02 2017
RUTH

Hi Larry, it’s not about can’t..it’s about how my mind tries to ‘plan’ a harmonious outcome…how feasible is that to dream about?
I think I am feeling this way, and thanks for listening, as I feel I’m not being fair to my husband. He’s a good man..couldn’t find a kinder, more hardworking person…yet I don’t feel anything physical for him, beyond the friendship side. There is no response for him physically and I wish I could make that happen. So, there are the cross roads to which I view my life…

There is no praise on longevity of the affair, it’s always seemed to be a natural part of me. Living without him would create a vast empty cavern of which I would imagine, take a long time to cross. I know they say time heals everything..but like a death, sometimes we never really let go.

Well, that being said, I don’t want to end here on a downer note. So we’ll just focus on the positive and continue on the journey….knowing, that sometime in the future there will be a change, just not today.

3 02 2017
Larry

RUTH: we are all individuals and we all make our own choices.
I find it peculiar when someone has something good in their life, and – since they can’t have more – they end what they have, therefore having less.

Monogamous Affairs the way I see them, they are enhancement to someone’s life, not a way to replace it.

Again, that’s just my philosophy, everyone has to make their own choices in their own life.

3 02 2017
Djaneausten

Hi Ruth – I’m somewhat nervous about posting my email address here, even though it is a secret account. Larry, is there any way you can facilitate contact privately between us? I would be ok with and appreciate it if you could send Ruth my email address if possible…thx!

4 02 2017
RUTH

i give permission for this Larry, thank you.

3 02 2017
Djaneausten

The problem/inner conflict here is that what is very good for me, and I believe for Ruth as well, is potentially disasterous for the children/spouses and/or unfair to the spouse that could be set free to find someone else. And the constant lying and fear of getting caught is very stressful as well and takes its toll in time. Maybe some people can manage all of that without it eventually coming to a head, but it is really hard for others. Especially when there is deep love involved on one side of the equation, you naturally want the freedom to live a full life together without forever hiding in hotel rooms. Just my two-cents!

3 02 2017
Larry

We all have different situations, different worldviews, different philosophies; therefore we all make difference decisions.
We are all in control of our own lives through the decisions that we make.

3 02 2017
Genie

I would like to jump in here too. I have a similar story as has been told within the comments on this site. Larry you once said to me as well “why would i want to leave”. It’s really not that I would ever want to. But the weight of it all tends to wear on my heart my soul, my mind. It’s not an easy task this one of a secret relationship. It is daunting at times. Sends me to all places. I feel sad mad jealous lonely on any given day. I also feel happy, grateful, lucky. And I also feel guilt, regret, shitty about myself. I try so hard not to wish away the days, until the next time we speak or see each other. Because then I’m just wishing my life away. It’s hard to stay focused on the mundane tasks of a day when your best self is the self that you are when you are with the person you are having an amazing love affair with. I too have a good husband, who I love still but who does not fulfill me in the way that my partner does. It saddens me that that is the way my life is. It saddens me that I failed at that part of marriage or that we failed. I never had the passion, the amazing physical connection that I have now and didn’t know it was something that I wanted and needed. And we’re together a quarter century. So now I’m in this thing almost two years. We can’t have anything other than what we have. We are in similar marriages. Void of passion and affection and intimacy. But our future remains exactly what we have now. Limited to a couple of days a month, a weekly phone call, and short loving texts. I feel the crazy jealousy even though I know it’s ridiculous. I wonder though to myself. Do I really “love” him. Or do I just love being loved by him. I mean it is the most amazing feeling in the world to have this in my life. Something I have not ever had with my husband. For a man to want me the way this man does. The way he looks at me, the way he expresses his love for me thru physical contact and incredible intimacy. I too have done things I’ve never done before and with no hesitation at all. We say to each other that what turns us on is that we are both so turned on. It’s hard not to want that all the time. I miss him all the time. But then I think, if we were to be together all the time, would these feelings diminish over time. Would the desire lessen. I don’t know. I’ll never know. Anyway thought I’d throw out these thoughts tonight. I wish i had someone to talk to all the time about this stuff. It’s not an easy path I have chosen. This relationship that I cherish with all my heart.

5 02 2017
Anita

[…]

I’m in the same situation. I would like to be able to talk directly on a regular basis to someone who understands. A suppport group type of thing via email. If this is something that can be done, please contact me if possible. Thank you.

4 02 2017
RUTH

Throughout my life I have lived honestly and with the set of values my parents gave us. This is the one and only time in my world where I have cheated, and it is cheating on many levels. As women we would rather live full lives and not keep emotions or memories separated. During a ‘black hole’ time I find myself talking to him in my car out loud…I have a logical discussion as to why this cannot continue. I pack away memories of him in a box and feel that its sealed well. I even indulge in a cry. I continue in my world without him with the thought that it’s over, done. Sometime during this time I find that I can also become jealous of his spouse for she gets to see him…this is a dangerous slope and I wonder why it’s happening now. I think its because I’ve hit that milestone of 50 and being in the back 40, I’d like to live life more simply. I go through the days and laugh with my family, keeping busy and enjoying my life..but there is a grey cloud that hangs in the back of my thoughts,and it’s him. I see flashes of our moments like film clips float through my thoughts and they are distracting.

When we connect and meet in person, just the chemistry of his smile and a hug and boom, the box has exploded all over and I find myself wrapped up in our warmth…all else forgotten. How is it possible for one person to impact another over a coffee in a public place?? We share those stupid grins, laugh and enjoy our time. Not sexual but physical, you know what I mean?

During my dating years I never cheated, slept around or compromised my values. Heck, I even had a hard time dating more than one person..I’d stay stuff like..do you remember when we went to that move..nope, oh, sorry wrong guy…lol How did that experience prepare me for this??

If we look at this objectively, we know w are cheating ourselves as we are not giving our family 100% of us. I wonder if getting older will change that and we’ll just run out of energy, want or time? Who will advocate the best for you in your senior years? Would living and loving him full time extend my quality of life…the answer for me today is yes. Sharing a passion like this is healthy..how do you argue with happy?

Larry, thanks for posting this site. I am open to sharing with you and appreciate you all sharing back. As a women in this role I know it’s different from a man on so many levels.

5 02 2017
Anita

I’m in the same situation. I would like to be able to talk directly on a regular basis to someone who understands. A suppport group type of thing via email. If this is something that can be done, please contact me if possible. Thank you.

12 02 2017
KL

Wow!! The posts on here over the last month have been simply amazing! Thank you everyone for sharing! I check in from time to time and read what people have posted. But the last month has been full of everything I have been experiencing from day one! And the thing is we don’t hold back, we tell each other everything… we FaceTime daily, he travels, I am able to get away with him on several trips, through ‘working’ (he travels so much, I use his miles and it just works for us.)

I too, would like to connect with you all ok a regular basis. Larry, if possible I would like to have this email added to the others wanting to share regularly. Simply there is nothing like this on the internet and I really have been seeking someone… a friend that is going through this with me, that wouldn’t judge, and I could trust. I have been confiding everything with him and he never complains… actually loves my honesty. But we talk about everything, the future, when we are just we, our home, our life. We both have roommates and our desire to be together everyday and all the time is incredibally strong. It’s so difficult when you have found your soulmate and can’t share him with the world. There was a point with us where I was like, ‘you should be meeting my family’ but he can’t. Love doesn’t begin to explain it. Thanks for sharing everyone!!

12 02 2017
RUTH

I think we should set up a chat room or something….Larry, as our host, what are your thoughts?

I have a question for each of you. When you experience a ‘black hole”, buy this I mean a when you don’t share any communication over a period of time – a day, week, longer, shorter? Do you feel a physical impact on yourself? I’m not talking about trust or jealously here, I’m talking about, you and if you physically notice a change in you. You may be ‘anger, sad, pre-occupied, feel as if your heart is divided between your 2 loves, or worlds?

It has been just over a week since our last moment together (and what an absolutely exquisite time that was! Was on a high for days) and I find myself disengaged with my kids..like a funk. Somewhere I read it’s like coming down off a high, not that I would know this but they symptoms are similar. I know of no reasons, other than busy at work, that there has not been any time to share a text or short call. Don’t fret, I’m not a stalker, but I’ve also never been this ‘type’ of girl before….I still laugh but sometimes feel alone in a room full of people I love.

Please, someone, tell me I’m not alone her…share your thoughts…thanks. .

13 02 2017
KL

Anita- Yes!!! We make every attempt to talk every night and throughout the day. Let’s say, each of our spouses are so I engage in meeting our need physically that we both fall asleep alone. Which works for us, because we are able to text and FT during that time. But yes, I get what you are saying. When we are not able to spend that time together I get grumpy. He’s a part of me. A wonderful part of me and I am bothered when we are not able to spend time together. We see each other about once a month or more often. I used to be upset when he left (he lives in another state). I think it was because I kept thinking that at any moment this could all be gone… he could forget about me and live his life with his wife. But I talked to him about this and it took some time of telling me all the time and actually acting on it that I don’t feel that way any more. But I still am sad whenever we can’t talk. He travels for work, and when he’s in a time zone three hours away and is super busy it is the worst. Yes, I’m crazy and have waited until 1 am to just see his face on FaceTime and say goodnight. The thing that works for us is telling each other how we feel when we can’t talk. This took time though, because I was worried I would push him away being ‘needy’. But, he is that same way and we have discovered that what we need is each other.

13 02 2017
KL

Meant Ruth… sorry 🙂

12 02 2017
Anita

Like something is missing a sad feeling overcomes you. I know that feeling very well. This last year has been a hard one for me and my lover. We haven’t been able to spend much time with each other. Just a small hand full of moments, do to family issues and schedule changes its been difficult. I find myself sad often, but can’t show it, just continue on with my daily life and family. Secretly knowing I’m longing for this other man.

13 02 2017
RUTH

He is away often in anther country for work, this is new and it’s killing me..to the point I find myself wondering, ‘what if’, which is a dangerous game. I need to be more busy in my life and am currently searching for my next project, so that is not helping. I know if I was focused on something 100% my feelings would not be as they are. What we share is rare, we both know that…I am not a ‘needy’ person but need to get out of this funk. The other issue I’m up against is maintaining interest in my spouse. How do you accomplish this? It would seem that he has left his imprint deeper than I would imagined and being intimate with another is a struggle, even thou I’ve made a vow and known him longer. Any advice?

14 02 2017
djaneausten

I totally feel the same way yet again Ruth! I am in a funk for DAYS after he leaves. We survived his family trip but communication was minimal and I was miserable the whole 2.5 weeks! I also know I need to be more busy…kids are in school all day and I am home alone so too much time to think and dwell. And…as for interest in the spouse…yeah…what little there was before the affair is long gone now. I can’t seem to separate my physical and emotional desires. The two go hand-in-hand for me….

14 02 2017
Genie

Oh Boy… Lots of similarities again here for me. Before and also in the beginning of what is now my almost 2 year love affair. Intimacy was very infrequent with my husband. It normally was initiated by me and I was able to have a satisfying encounter because of my efforts. I was doing it for me.. not so much for my husband. Not because he didn’t deserve it but he didn’t really seem all that interested. That time has long gone. On the rare occasion that my spouse wants to be intimate, it is no longer satisfying at all. I go thru the motions for him but those times are over. My man does not have intimate relations with his spouse either. She is not interested. That is not saying it will never happen, I’m sure on occasion it will/could as it could in my marriage as well.

Because the notion of my man and I ending up together indefinitely is not and won’t ever be an option. I need to live in a somewhat happy home for the sake of my kids. I will say though.. I had to refocus that mind set. Being unhappy at home (not miserable) being unfulfilled in so many ways with so many gaps in my marriage, I was trying to get back to a place when we had more than we have, and it was not working for me. It is only very recently.. like weeks that I decided to take the possibility of getting back that intimacy with my spouse. I do have to cohabit with him and it would be nice to have a nice existence. So what I decided was to remove any expectation of us having a marriage that presented as perfect. What I want is to be able to get to a place where we are friends that respect and even love one another and stay together for the sake of our children. Once I did that, I felt a little bit better. I can still be a wife, be a domestic partner, have the familiarity of a 20+ year relationship. Just the love and the passion and the incredible intense chemistry that I have with my man only exists between me and him.

I’ll also say that I am finally fully trusting in everything he says and does. My jealously is only of that fact that she gets to see him every day and I don’t. But even then its not jealousy, its envious . I know if he doesn’t check in its because he can’t. Hes consumed with whatever is going on at the time. And I believe him when he says just because you don’t hear from me doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking of you all the time. I’m getting better at it all. It will never be free of guilt or pain or worry/concern. Those emotions just come with the territory. I fall more in love with him every day.

I love reading everyone’s thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

15 02 2017
RUTH

Genie, may I ask how successful you have been in building the intimate portion of the relationship with your spouse? We have been together 20+ years, I really like him, love him but am not in love with him. I think of being intimate with him, yet when attempted the voice inside my head screams, no, those are the wrong hands, even kissing beyond the hello is brutal. I’ve never been good at dating more than one guy,,,ha. now I’m struggling with 2 and one is my spouse.

Do we transfer our unfulfilled emotions into the affair? As humans we need touch, would that piece come back or have a better chance of being nurtured back if the affair was no longer?

I would never want to hurt anyone, yet if roles were reversed, how would you feel? These are my thoughts this morning, all from a cup of coffee… ha

15 02 2017
Genie

Ruth
Good morning. I am not greatly successful at having relations with my husband. However, my husband is not an overly sexual person and that is working in my favor at this point. So when or even if he does initiate I do not deny him that. I just go thru the motions, it’s easier for women to do that. I’ve been trying to build more of a friendship with him rather than an intimate partnership. I still love him. But yes, I too don’t even want to be kissed. But he deserves my loyalty so I try with all that I have to give it to him. I’ve also never dated more than one guy at a time. None of this is easy and I’ve tried to run many times but not been successful. I wish I had more advice for you on how to endure the physical with your spouse. Sadly I don’t.

15 02 2017
RUTH

It’s a wonderful feeling to know there are others who experience the same feelings…never thought it would be.

I try to give thanks for every day…it is indeed a gift. We were able to connect yesterday over a coffee and just that brief time, our minds turned to ‘mush’. We chatted, reviewed our schedules and hugged good bye. I has no idea he would haunt my thoughts the rest of the day. How does that happen..it’s been over a decade of being together and his hold on me is extraordinary. It’s physical, without being physical. We think we have ‘scheduled’ time over the next few days to get together…I felt a sort of resentment that we are now scheduling time, whereas before we always shared a project together and right now we don’t have anything booked to work on together as his live is full with his other work. He is a performer and they are travelling now, he’ll be gone for almost a month. sigh

I wonder if we don’t physically connect for a month and this was continued would it evolve into a permanent thing…a change in the relationship? WE don’t really don’t know how it would be NOT to have the other there…knowing they are there is such a part of us….

Am I trying to mitigate the inevitable? I mean how can we continue this relationship into our ‘senior’ years without being found out? We are both in our early 50’s now…I would love to live with him for the back 40 years…or however many we have. You know the saying, “I wish I had found you sooner to love you longer”…or something like that 🙂

I love him so completely,and believe we could live together and be very happy. I don’t know how to make this happen as taking the steps to do this would not only be selfish but would hurt so many people. To even think about planning this would require…moving, waiting, planning on a whole new level.

I feel I’m standing on a precipice here….

15 02 2017
RUTH

Genie, you are so right..trusting in everything he says. When we are not in contact does not mean I’m not thinking about you..does not mean anything has changed…it’s the contrary.. Yet my thoughts my stray to, how can he be so busy not to text hello…but it does happen. Men and women are different. Women seem to be more creative in thoughts and excuses..planning..

Thank you all for sharing, your words are so helpful and comfort me knowing I am not truly alone in this struggle to juggle it all xo

15 02 2017
Genie

HA HA… I too have typed out texts that are sarcastic and say really…. you have not had two seconds to check in.. But I pull them back every time, and I read something from a prior text where he says something so sweet and thoughtful and heartfelt. I remember in my mind him saying “when will i see you” or “i miss you baby”. and I know that sending that sarcastic text is not fair. He is a busy person trying to run a business and support his family. It’s a fact and it’s part of this. And yes men and women are different. I reserve anything I may want to say for when we are actually talking because at least then there is a dialogue. So I will say “do you miss me” and he will say “of course you know i do” and I’ll say.. I just need to hear it sometimes..

15 02 2017
RUTH

sometimes when I am overwhelmed with, call it desire, emotion, thoughts of him, good or not so good, I write an email, I don’t send it, but I save them and read them. I have over 200 emails which can be generated by lack of communication, ie. a ‘black hole’ or coming down from the ‘high’ of spending some quality time together. Prior to finding this site I would write often…even after our time together is recorded, if you will. He teases me that it’s like 50 shades of grey lol

15 02 2017
Anita

Thank you so much for all your sharing comments, it let’s me know I’m not the only one feeling this way.

15 02 2017
Genie

It’s a great idea and very helpful. I have a record of every text sent. I read back often. We are in somewhat of a rhythm right now that we don’t go more than 2 days without at least a reach out. And I have stopped doing the … I text last so I have to wait for a reply . If I have something to say I say it . Believe me it’s not easy on me by any stretch. But I’m in such a better place than I was this time last year. Or even 6 months ago. Every time we see one another I feel more at ease when we are not together . It just solidifies us even more .

15 02 2017
RUTH

that’s good advice…have something to say, or just thinking about you..text it..without looking for a response…Do you worry about anyone else reading your texts? My emails on on a private account and his contact info is removed…just in case. We are both very private and keep this close to our hearts.

Do you think if you met your lover if you were not married you would still hit it off? hmmmmmm

15 02 2017
Genie

I always have worry. But I am very careful. We don’t text to each others phones we use an app that uses data rather than minutes. my phone is protected to the max and no one can get in without a pw ever. I also have it with me at all times and it’s always on silent.
As far as if we were not married. It’s a complex question for me. If you read my story somewhere in this thread. We had something a very long time ago. Back in HS. We were never a couple but we had a year that we discovered a love between us, an attraction a connection a chemistry. We were young. But then something happened that was very damaging and it took us apart. Life moved on and we never re connected again for whatever reason. New relationships, different circumstances, statues. There were no cell phones, or fb. It was just good old fashion phone calls. And neither of us reached out. At our ages, I would like to think if we were both unattached, we’d be the couple that everyone was jealous of. So physical, affectionate, passionate. We try not to think of that We’ve spoke of it, but it’s not a positive place to be. We.. especially me need to have positive in this. Because negative would lessen what it is. It is meant to enhance a life that is not perfect, that has trouble and heartache. It is supposed to be the best part of my life. And right now it is. I tell him he gets the best part of me, and he says I get the best part of him. Not the part that has stress from work, or finance, or children, or drama. Not the part that has what ifs or why’s. Just all good. I cherish every moment with him. And as hard as it is when I’m not with him, I have to have somewhat of an enjoyable life outside of him because, otherwise I’ll spend a lot of time wishing my life away because our time is limited.
How about you? What are your thoughts on if you were not married?

ps…. i can’t find that chatty thread link… this site is hard to navigate I can never find my place from before…

15 02 2017
RUTH

this site is just adding comments and strolling to the very bottom is the only way to see a new reply, for me that is. I’d like to find a new venue….but not sure how to share our emails to ensure privacy…..let me think about that one 🙂

To answer your question Genie, I do what you do..try not to think about it. WE do and have gone out together, as we share common friends and every time, yes, every time we ‘hold court’..it’s crazy really. WE share this synergy of laughter and fun. We often get asked how long we’ve been together by others who just meet us or by strangers in a store if we are buying something. Once, many years, unknow to us, we were ‘bickering’ like an old married couple over nails or something we needed – 2 people asked if we were married and when we laughed and said yes, but not to each other, they were somewhat disappointed.

We were in the city not that long ago and strangers see what we have..they comment on it all the time..how very lucky he is to have me, and I him..how happy we are together…yet, our friends don’t see that but are drawn to us…They see me and ask for him, they see him and ask for me…

We’ve had 12 years together…he knew it from the moment we met..me it took longer…now we just know we have imprinted on each others heart and soul, and it’s permanent.

My biggest struggle is my marriage and lack of interest in him…that part weighs so heavy on my heart. He’s an amazing guy, one of the best..

15 02 2017
Genie

I feel the same of my spouse. One of the best. Maybe the difference is that I know I will never leave him so I don’t even entertain that idea ever. It’s to painful. That’s why I suggested, maybe just getting to the point where the two of you are friends. However that would only work if that was okay for him too. I would think it would not be okay for all men. Un-knowingly it seems to okay for mine.
I have to sign off this blog for the night.
Nice to talk to you..
Looking forward to more conversation

15 02 2017
DJaneAusten

Absolutely!!

16 02 2017
DJaneAusten

I am in a huge emotional funk this week…ever since my love returned from his family vacation he’s been super busy at work and we’ve been really struggling to stay connected. He ALWAYS texts goodnight and I love you before falling asleep, and last night it didn’t happen, after several hours of non-contact through the day as well. Trying to not read-into things or make a big deal about it, but it seems very different now and I’m worried. I hate feeling like the “needy” or “high-maintenance” girlfriend….he has enough stress at home without me adding one more thing to his “to-do” list…but something has changed in recent weeks and we can’t seem to find the time to even talk about it! The not-knowing is the worst part of it. We are planning two more visits together in coming months so I am trying to stay focused on that, but this new, relative silence is killing me! GAHHHHH!!!! What should I do!?!?

16 02 2017
RUTH

You did it, DJane, you came here to share 🙂 I hope we have made you feel better, knowing you are not alone. I too hate being that ‘needy’ girl, the girl ‘waiting’ by her phone for the text…that was never me. I wonder, do you think they experience the same as us? ha, I doubt it.

If you have not seen this..take a moment to watch how our men’s brains are different from ours… this box idea has merit 🙂

16 02 2017
Genie

Honey just try not to freak out. I had a 6 week manic time about a year ago where we had almost no contact because of circumstances. It started with a freak out on my part and continued with a sick parent and a new job and an overwhelming client. It was one thing after the other and quite honestly I think the stress was to much for him and I was the last thing he wanted to deal with. Keep in mind…. what we are doing is for pure bliss, happy and exit from the life that is so unfulfilling at home. So if you must reach out. Reach out with a i’m just thinking of you.. missing you.. I know you must be busy just wanted you to know…. Don’t expect anything and accept what ever he says..

16 02 2017
DJaneAusten

Thank you so much for that Genie! That is what I tried to do today…I needed to talk and make sure WE were ok so I could stop worrying that his recent decline in communication wasn’t due to ME/US, and he absolutely assured me it was simply his crazy life right now and that he desperately loves and needs me, please just be patient and STOP WORRYING! I feel so much better! God being a woman is so HARD sometimes!

16 02 2017
Genie

and don’t you just love when that happens.. but honestly I know exactly where you are at. and I mean exactly.. and a day or two from now you will be feeling all worried again. It’s a cycle.. because we are women… and yes we are superstars but it aint easy !! 🙂

16 02 2017
DJaneAusten

Exactly! I have never been as emotional as I have been these past 18 months! My kids and husband have seen me cry maybe 3-4 times EVER! My love sees/hears me cry ALL THE TIME! He loves the silly emotional girl I am able to be when I am with him. Just another confirmation that I can truly be myself and free when I am with him. Many men would have run for he hills by now! LOL!

16 02 2017
KL

This is so funny!! I tell him I don’t cry all the time and I don’t think he believes me. I completely understand!! I also can be me around him! It is an awesome feeling. I can also talk to him about anything!! And he wants me to tell him everything! I’m curious… What is the longest you have gone without seeing them?

17 02 2017
Genie

that was funny.. i remember in the beginning of our relationship when I was super manic and unsure and doubting and jealous… every emotion in the book. I said to him,you have all these little tupperwares that you put stuff in.. How do you do it so easily. He did say later on in our relationship when he called me on the fact that I said that to him, that I was right. He compartmentalizes things, because it does him no good to wish for things that can not be. He would rather just be with me 100% whether on the phone or face to face, than dwell on stuff that can’t be. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about me or relive special moments of us in his mind but he tries always to keep thoughts of us positive and not negative. ie negative as in sad or regret.. etc..
I’ve learned a lot from him in this regard and once I trusted him completely I was able to be more successful in my thoughts.

17 02 2017
DJaneAusten

He wants me to tell him everything too – and I feel completely safe doing it. We have cried many times together too – just so pure and raw and real and beautiful…I could never do that with my husband! I think this stretch now will be the longest apart for us – 12 weeks. And it is TORTURE!

17 02 2017
Genie

I’ve gone 8 weeks. Very difficult.

17 02 2017
RUTH

3 MONTHS OF HELL 😦

17 02 2017
KL

You ladies are so strong! I love every moment with him. The longest we have gone has been 6 weeks. I would die and cry every night if it were much longer. There is comfort in knowing it is hard on him also… and I have often found myself comforting him when we can’t see one another. The distance sucks, but what I get in texts, calls, FaceTime, emails, audio messages, etc is worth any distance. I am so fortunate that he travels and is able to come here… the months I long for are those with only two weeks between visits, but those are few and far between. I’m soooo looking forward to the 5th when I can see him again for a few days.

What are the visits like?

17 02 2017
Genie

My visits are planned ahead . We meet same place and spend the day. If lucky about 6 to 8 hours in most cases. Talk catch up eat love more love and then goodbye til next time. Gets better every time . We share more we give more we explore more. I’m no longer intimidated by anything . It’s just easy. I’ve tried in the past to convince myself that if I had to say goodbye it’d be hard but I could do it. Then I lay eyes on him and I’m like who am I kidding . That would be devastating at this point .

18 02 2017
DJaneAusten

Because of the great distance he has to travel to see me, he is usually here at least 4-5 days every 6-8 weeks on average. I do not have the ability to travel too far from home, but we have managed to sneak in a few overnights and getaways here and there. Otherwise we spend the days when he is visiting just breathing the same air for a few precious hours and making each other unbelievably happy! In bed and out of bed. We share an intense love of music so a lot of our time is spent in front of a fire drinking wine and sharing new artists/bands or old favorites. We have SO many songs that are OUR songs! (My husband and I have none). He loves for me to cook for him, so I usually do that one night and the others we do takeout. We LOVE to eat together! We talk for hours. We laugh and laugh about silly things. Sometimes he brings old photo albums from his past and he tells me all of his stories, and sometimes I will do the same. We can’t leave the rental house and go out in public when he is here but we find different ways to experience new things together – he grew up and lives in a city and had never experienced a bon fire before his visit here in Nov! We had so much fun sitting under the stars talking about every crazy thing! And of course…making the most beautiful love together in many, many ways, and falling asleep in each others arms – pure bliss! The day before he has to leave the mood changes and we become quieter…more intent on just holding each other and trying to absorb every last possible ounce of each other’s energy and love. And then I cry…a lot. And we kiss and we hold on until the very last possible second, and he cries too. The very last goodbye is a mess of tears and “I love yous” and then he leaves and I can hardly breathe or see to drive home. And then he calls me from the car and we cry some more. When he gets to the airport he calls me again and we look at our calendars and figure out when we will be able to see each other again. And then I have to pull myself together to be mom and wife again, all while my heart is simultaneously breaking yet full to overflowing with the memories of the most intensely beautiful love I have ever known! God how I miss him!! Hurry April!

18 02 2017
Genie

Sounds completely lovely !

20 02 2017
RUTH

Time spent together is magic…such completeness. I read your notes above and dream of an overnight stay or days together.. We spent a night last summer together and it was heaven. We were camping, made dinner, swam, made love, slept, laughed..so natural together. It killed me to drive away from him.

We snatched a few hours tonight and it was heaven…such an amazing connection ..holding hands at the movies and the sweetest kisses after, followed by loving and laughter..but something shifted while i was driving home and I wanted to ask you if you ever feel so sad that you, empty…like when you walk away from a fire and feel the cold of the night. I miss his arms and the sound of his breathing..his touch on my face or just holding hands….we now know what all th e love songs are about …

Why do we ‘settle’ for this type of life, why not fight to be together…or would it change it all? We are not really being fair to our families living 2 lives, sharing our hearts ,,,,neither one fulfills us completely..

Don’t get me wrong, i can’t imagine life without him…I might as well cut of an arm or my heart. but I also know we’d go on…time heals doesn’t it???

Sorry ladies, I’m just feeling like I’d like more than I have been given…is that so wrong sometimes?

20 02 2017
DJaneAusten

No Ruth…it is not wrong at all! Such a complex mix of emotions and priorities. Coexisting in this manner is not easy, but putting yourself and your happiness first would mean heartache for so many others. I totally get it! And I also worry that much of the magic we have now would end, or at least diminish significantly, if we did end up getting our divorces and living together full-time. Marriage seems to kill the romance and passion, doesn’t it? He asks me to marry him every time we are together and I always laugh and say NO! We will get our divorces when the kids are grown so we can finally be free to be together, but will maintain separate residences (maybe still in different countries?) so we will never lose that feeling of missing each other and longing to be together! He does not agree. Wants 100% full-time when we can finally do it. Time will tell!

And yes…the sadness when we part…a black hole of emptiness. Perfect description!

As for the days/nights we are able to spend together….it is absolute heaven, but they come at a price. Many, many BIG lies are told to those I love in order to make it happen, and there is always anxiety about some missed detail and possibly getting caught that is just below the surface and can steal some of our joy if I allow it to. The first trip we took together I struggled A LOT with feelings of guilt and the fear of getting caught, and vowed that I would never take another trip like that with him again. Here I am, 3 trips later, planning two more in the next 4 months! It is intoxicating!

20 02 2017
RUTH

intoxicating, like a drug, a fix, a feeling that overwhelms and takes one to the place of complete euphoria. A feeling of completeness……not knowing where you are,only that you are with HIM and together. Being able to reach out to touch him, laying so close you only have to move your lips to kiss him…feeling his warmth surround you as you spoons… I’ve learned that it’s all about the FIT. The FIT of mind, body and soul. Like you were sculptured as one and separated somewhere along the way…like the map of the earth…cut it out and see how the pieces fit to form one land.

I love him with ALL of my being.

Is this what an addict feels when when he/she moves from hit to hit? The draw of this amazing feeling, being high on another person, I never knew existed. Is it only within this environment we created or can it be sustained throughout the years? I’ve met couples who genuinely love to be together, have been married for years and are very happy and in love. Would this feeling flow into that?? or is it a luxury, like being lazy on a Saturday morning, not being responsible for life and it’s duties….

I can see us living together, sharing life, we talk about it all now…we work well together on many levels ..the only piece we all miss in this is sharing of our family. The challenge of integrating with each other and the drama that comes from them…we are unencumbered with all of those life issues. Perhaps that is what makes this type of relationship a success..it’s a time out for us all…

20 02 2017
DJaneAusten

Beautifully expressed Ruth! We could write a book, eh!?

20 02 2017
RUTH

Yes I believe we could…lol

25 02 2017
RUTH

the silence here is unique…hope you are all well.

He left today for a month, a month. This comes at good timing as I’m starting a new project this week, which will keep my mind busy. Just stealing a few hours today over coffee was comforting.. always so much to talk about. Always optimistic aren’t we? .

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