About Monogamous Affairs

So many questions, so little time.

First of all let me welcome to this slice of the world, chances are that you are here not for one reason, not one big reason, but for a multitude of small reasons, and I bet that you and I share most of them; while each one of us retains our own subjective reasons.

You are here because you are curious, curious about life and about what this is all about.  I don’t have the answers for you, nobody does, only you might attempt to satisfy those questions.  But I can try to address some of the questions that have brought you here, because they are the questions that lead me here too, and a F.A.Q. is the most expedient format:

  • Q.: What’s a Monogamous Affair?
    A.: It is what it sounds like, a long term relationship between a man and a woman who are both married, but not to each other.
    If you look at the culture, literature, the pre-sexual revolution of the 70’s you will find references, anecdotes and empirics that long term Monogamous Affairs were common, and often were credited with keeping marriages afloat at a time when the divorce rates were practically insignificant.
    To this day in modern France love between a married couple means to do everything that is possible so that the other person can life a fulfilling life, and it that means that the other person is going to engage in a long term discreet relationship with another person so be it, while not promoted or encouraged, it passes under the radar, similar to the US version of the “don’t ask don’t tell” unwritten rule.  That’s why there’s a worldwide understanding that in France everyone has a lover.  To a certain extend the same is true in the United Kingdom, we all know about Charles and Camilla, no matter what you might think because of the distortion of tabloid news, the two of them have been lovers for a very long time, as discreet as they possibly be given their circumstances, and happily so.  A true Monogamous Affair.
    Clotaire Rapaille touches on this in his landmark book The Culture Code, a must read for anyone who wants to live an open minded life.
  • Q.: Why Monogamous?
    A.: It’s a choice, surely you can have a series of short term affairs, or multiple affairs at the same time.  If that is what you are looking for, this is not the right place for you.
  • Q.: Why Long Term?
    A.: If something’s good, why end it?
  • Q.: Isn’t that cheating?
    A.: Society would call it so. Just words, just points of views.
  • Q.: This is about sex, isn’t it?
    A.: A Monogamous Affair is not just about sex.   A Monogamous Affair is about two individuals complementing and enhancing each other’s life in order to reach new level of joy, bliss and happiness.  Yes it is also about sex, it is after all a romantic relationship, not a platonic one, but it is not a sexual relationship like Bill and Monica, that is something else altogether. You know that.
  • Q.: If two people are having an affair, and it is a long term one, why not get divorced from their spouses and get married?
    A.:  If that’s what they want, sure!  While “Never say Never” this is not meant for those individuals who want to replace their present marriage with another marriage.
  • Q.: Why?
    A.:  There are hundreds if not thousands of reasons, this might be for you, or might not be for you.  Keep on reading, hand out, comment, post, participate and see if this works for you.
  • Q.: Who are you?
    A.: I am a man, a guy.
  • Q.: Are you married?
    A.: Yes I am.
  • Q.: Are you having an affair on your wife?
    A.: No.
  • Q.: Are you looking for an affair?
    A.:  I believe that a relationship is not something that one searches for, especially a monogamous affair, but it is something that one can be open to, and yes I am open to embark into a monogamous affair with the right woman.
  • Q.: Have you had affairs before?
    A.: Yes.
  • Q.: How many?
    A.: Two.
  • Q.: Why did they end?
    A.: The first one she moved away, the second one she wanted a replacement for her husband.
  • Q.: Were both of your affairs monogamous affairs?
    A.: Yes they were.  I come up with the definition of Monogamous Affair after the first affair ended.  When I entered into the first affair it was the first time I had an affair, and it was the same for her.  Starting the affair was not an easy decision to make, but we did make it, and we decided that it would be an exclusive affair.
  • Q.: And how about the second affair, can you be more specific on why that ended?
    A.: When she and I started seeing each other, she thought that her husband was boring and had let himself and the marriage go.  Fast forward 3 years and she realized that her husband was a jerk and she wanted more from life, and from a marriage. Her husband didn’t change, she did.
  • Q.: Your affair lasted 3 years? How about the first one?
    A.:  Yes my second affair lasted almost 3 years. The first one lasted 2 years.
  • Q.: How long have you been married?
    A.: 15 years as of this writing (December 2010)
  • Q.:  How long into your marriage did you have the first affair?
    A.:  About 3 years.
  • Q.: How long between your first affair and your second one?
    A.: About 7 years.
  • Q.: How old are you?
    A.: 40something.
  • Q.: Where do you live?
    A.: Boston area.
  • Q.: What is the secret of a long term affair?
    A.: It varies from person to person, for me it all starts with being a Monogamous Affair, with the intention to be a Long Term Monogamous Affair.  This is the purpose of this site, I will post some of the caveats that worked in my Monogamous Affairs, if you have something positive to contribute I’d like to hear from you in comments and posts, together we can exchange ideas and create a sense of community where we can learn from each other experience.
  • Q.: What are the benefits of a Monogamous Affair?
    A.: The are many benefits that I have experienced first hands

    1. My marriage, and the marriages of my lovers have improved once we started the Monogamous Affair, and during the affair.
    2. I credit my Monogamous Affair for the fact that I am still married, and I consider being happily married, so does my wife.
    3. My first lover was depressed, she had been depressed all of her life, and she had been in therapy and medications all of her life. Her mother was depressed, and she had been in therapy and on medication all her life. So was my lover’s sister.  After we started seeing each other she was no longer depressed.  A few months into the affair her husband, her mother, her father, her sister and all of her friends told her “I have never seen you so happy”.  A few weeks later she quit medications, a few months later she quit therapy, and that I know of, she never went back into therapy or medication; her mom and sister were still depressed and in therapy and medication.
    4. You will rediscover yourself.  You will start things that you’ve always wanted to do.  These are some examples: volunteering, gym, jogging, train and run a triathlon, pick up photography, start art classes, star smiling more, people will say that you’ve blossomed and look radiant from the inside out, be more independent, eat better, enjoy life, watch more movies, watch less TV, read books you’ve always wanted to read, visit museums and art galleries.
    5. People will think you are more interesting, they will start using terms like intriguing, free spirited, and radiant when talking about you.
  • Q.: Is it possible to have a Monogamous Affair if one of the two is not married?
    A.: Not really.  There are many commonalities to a true Monogamous Affair, an Affair between two people who are both married that bond the couple together: the secrecy, the having too much to loose, the commonalities of schedules, the necessity to be monogamous, et . . . if one of the two is single, or separated, or divorced those items become causes of friction of separations instead of being bonding elements.

128 responses

29 07 2011
In defense of salsa dance – Part 2 « Monogamous Affairs

[…] About Monogamous Affairs […]

14 04 2016
Katy

I have been seeing my monogamous affair partner for almost 2 years. It feels really wonderful between us. We don’t live in the same city so we only see each other every other month, but we communicate several times daily. He texts me the moment he opens his eyes. We usually video skype a few times a week and we text throughout the day before saying goodnight before he goes to sleep. (He is a couple hours behind me timezone wise.)

He’s been married for 26 years and I’ve been married for 15.
We both are very respectful of each other’s situations. He has 3 children and I have a 7-year old daughter.

I have had mixed feelings about the “don’t say I love you” rule. When we first started seeing each other, I was adamant that I didn’t want us to say it to each other. Much the way you described, Larry, I just feel like the word is dripping with expectations that two married people can’t afford to place on one another. But, after our first two months together, he was adamant that he loved me and didn’t want to feel “hindered” by my rules. After not returning the words for about three months, I finally relented and it’s something that we say to each other everyday. I do love him. Very much. He’s become so incredibly important in my life and I can’t imagine my life without him. Before him, I had never cheated on my husband. And, it has surprised me how much I’ve felt comfortable with him and not possessive of his time, his wife or the life he has outside of me. I think more than anything, my fear about using the “L” word was that it would make it harder for me to be okay with a partial relationship with him. But surprisingly it hasn’t.

We talk about almost everything, from our childhoods to our hopes, dreams, fears, and retirement goals. The only subject we consciously stay away from is talking about our respective spouses, particularly details about our marriages. Neither one of us feels good talking to each other about them.

The connection that we have is amazing. He calls me his soulmate and I really think (if there is such a thing is that) that he is mine. Aside from the strong emotional connection between us, there is an extremely strong physical attraction. It’s actually what I noticed about him first. Sexually, I didn’t think it was possible to find someone so incredibly compatible with me.

I feel like we’ve found a really healthy balance. We don’t place unrealistic expectations on each other but we do nurture this relationship daily. He tells me that he doesn’t ever want what we have to end and that our connection has made it possible for him to stay in his marriage. I don’t want what we have to end either. My hope is that we can maintain this balance for many years to come but only time will tell. For now, I’m enjoying it and him immensely.

Katy

15 04 2016
Larry

Dear Katy: thank you for your testimonial. What you have described is exactly what a Monogamous Affair is, with all its benefits.
If saying the L-word to each other enhances your relationship without hindering it, by all means go for it.

I wish you and your lover a long relationship that keeps enhancing both of your lives.

24 04 2016
carmen992016

We all encounter our soul mate some time in our life. We could be shopping or out for dinner, we may be already in a committed wonderful, warm and loving relationship, perhaps married. We recognize each other merely by looking into that person’s eyes. Brave is he or she who can recognize and act upon that one and only oppurtunity we know as the love of our life which will be with us until our dying breath.

25 05 2016
Nick

So glad I found this site.I have been in a mono affair for 3 years now.Well technically we did have a break in the middle though I never stopped thinking of her ..especially when certain songs would play on the radio.
Like a lot of people here she just enhances my life,she really had a big impact on me,I am a better husband/father because of her.
We live a fair distance away so are forced to adopt the less is more policy ,but it works and we text each other most days.
AS to the no L word rule ,that one went out the window,I never knew I would love someoone so intensely,I sometimes daydream of what it would like if I met her first,we are so compatible.
Having said that I have a good marriage to a gorgeous wife who I also love,I guess I have a big heart,there is room for 2 .

23 05 2012
C.X.Love

Interesting to read this…I’ve been the “other woman” in quite a few of these

24 08 2012
Julie

I have a wonderful marriage but now that we are over 50 my husband has lost interest in sex.Thorough medical workup was negative, he is not interested in Viagra, he is just rather done with sex, which we do a few times per month at best.

He understands that not getting my needs met destabilizes the relationship and suggested I undertake a long term, discreet affair, preferably out of town. We went to several marriage counselors who supported this idea, as our marriage is otherwise great, we have growing children, and do not want a divorce.

My work takes me back to my birth city once a month for a few days. I have thought about contacting a man I grew up with, who has been married for 30 years to a lovely woman who was the first girl he slept with. I liked him a lot as kids (we never dated) and he would be perfect for a permanent, discreet affair. We are from the same ethnic group that does not believe in divorce so he should be someone safe and non threatening to my marriage.

I know men are vulnerable at this age (his kids are grown, wife is sweet but not of his intellectual level, by now sex might have grown less frequent/less exciting). I do not want to selfishly go after my desires and harm his life.

I am disease free, safe, past menopause and cannot get pregnant, and only want the pleasure of his company one night a month. I don’t need to be taken out to dinner, don’t want his money/time/to disrupt his marriage. I have my own hotel room so he does not even have to spend money on that.
I will not call, email, or bother him in any way in between times. We shared wonderful good times as kids and really cared for each other, so we would have this extra dimension of true affection.

On the other hand, given our Catholic background, I would not in any way want to harm his life. Is it unreasonable to think his wife might be open to this, as a very safe, non threatening “release valve” for him? Should I leave him alone and try for one of those “married looking for an affair websites?” I really need affection with sex and would vastly prefer to engage with someone I know and already have fond feelings toward. My thought is that since he has only slept with one woman in his life (unless he has already had some extra marital liasons) this might be great for him, too?

14 10 2012
Bob Rido

Very interesting. I’m in a monogamous affair now. A lot of the points you made about the benefits of a mongamous affair are pretty accurate. I’m discovering the long lost passion that’s been bottled up inside of me and I like it.

4 11 2012
Jacques

Like Bob, I’m also in a monogamous affair and agree….many of the benefits you have described are true. The woman I have fallen in love with is twenty years younger than I, married to a good man with two small children. We both agree that we are happy in our marriages, if not satisfied. We have found in each other what has been missing in our lives. The hard part? Not being there when your “other” needs you. Knowing you will not be allowed visiting rights if something happens. Not being able to just call and speak to them when all you need is to hear their voice. Making this work requires an effort at insinuating new habits and patterns into your life so that you can carve out time for each other. This is not easy. Hardest of all is trying to keep your frustrations from overflowing into your “home” life. At the very least, you will have to admit to yourself that you do not hold the moral high ground by any stretch of the imagination…

Of course, I’m of French descent and lived the last 20 years in Europe….so call me “corrupted”.. but the moment I met this woman I love, I knew. It was as though we had always known each other but had been separated for a time….and now we had found each other again. She has transformed my life.

4 11 2012
suzi

Is your wife European also? Do you think you and your lover could introduce the thought to your spouses that love is not a pie with just so many slices, but infinite? Some of the greatest minds in the world with the biggest hearts, from Benjamin Franklin, Carl Jung, George Sand (a woman), Anais Nin and so many others understood that you cannot get everything from one person and had lifelong romantic relationships with more than one person, and loved both of these partners.
Getting unmet needs met by someone else can strengthen a marriage. Could your spouses come to understand that, so you no longer need to sneak around? Could you allow your spouse the same flexibility (ie I’ll watch the kids Tues evening so you can go out, and you can give me Wed evening)?

1 12 2013
Mrs. Fifty

Thanks for the great article. I’ve been with the same man now for 14 years. Our affair is beyond sex, we are truly deeply emotionally attached. We have been thru everything together. We do not allow our affair to enter into our homes. I have younger children. He is lifetime military. He is in wife #3. I can’t explain the why or how come, we can’t despite trying end it between us. We can finish each others sentences and speak daily for hours at times. He makes me smile and laugh. I’m not proud of myself. I’ve loved him since I was 23. He is 18 years older. We talk about everything, go places together, depending on where he is stationed see one another daily. Yes the intimacy for us both is so deep that our spouses can’t even come close, but its deeper than that. Every night we text good night I love you. I’ve been thru 17 deployments and 2 births with him. He has been my rock my best friend. I wish my marriage was healthy and happy, even if it was I don’t know if I could walk away. I’m not a homewrecker. I’m a woman who fell in love with a soldier who wasn’t married then. I look at him as the one who got away. I have no regrets. I never knew true love until he came into my life, he helps me see the forest thru the trees.
My husband had an affair with a coworker. I handled it in stride more upset that our children were exposed to it. That is what hurt the most. Its sad I trust my lover my best friend more than my spouse. But we are together for the kids. Sleep in seperate bedrooms. I think he is having another affair. If she can give him what I can’t then all I ask is keep it away from our kids.
Please don’t judge me you don’t know my story. I am proud of my lover of almost 15 years. No regrets. We have shared some of the best times of our lives together.
I joke I am going to write a book about us. I can’t imagine my life without him. Thanks for listening.

4 01 2014
heart of gold. and silver.

I have been married for almost 6 years, and have 2 children. I am deeply in love with my husband, and have a wonderful marriage which many people would be envious of. I have no complaints about him, or our life, aside from the fact it is full of monotony and all the boring things that come along with working full time and raising small children.
But behind all this, is a another man who is a huge part of my life. And no one knows about him. This is someone at my place of work (I work in a large hospital). About 2 years into my marriage, we started conversating, and flirting, which lead to exchanging emails of poems, quotes, thoughts on life, and eventually desires of each other. We started meeting secretly for nothing other than company and just became closer and closer.
Let me back up for a second and add that he is also happily married, with now 2 children of his own as well.
Anyway, my family and I moved out of town for a year. During that time, my he and I continued to exchange emails and occasional phone calls. We ended up moving back and I returned to my job.
I went through my second pregnancy with him, but it didn’t bother him. It didn’t stop us. He is one of my best friends.
Ever since i returned we have gotten closer and closer. We never even had actual full blown sex until a little over a year ago. It has been almost 4 years since we started talking. We both are on the same page as far as wanting to stay married and not interfere with raising our children. Our opportunities of seeing each other are few and far between, sometimes once a week sometimes we have to go a month in between. But we just get by with what we can.
There is such a weird dynamic in this relationship, I have a hard time understanding it, and how we can both have respect for our spouses and each other’s marriages but continue seeing each other and emailing regularly, usually almost every day. We have verbalized in round about ways that we love each other, but don’t ever say it up front as we know that would make things more difficult in the long run. But it is known, and felt. I cannot imagine my life without him. I don’t know how long this will last.. But it had never interfered with my marriage. This man just fills an empty void in my heart I didn’t even know was there. He makes me smile. We fit into each other’s lives so perfectly, so powerfully, it cannot be ignored.

4 01 2014
Larry

Thank you for your comment, yours is a wonderful story, and a great example of how a Monogamous Affair can enhance everyone’s life.

14 01 2014
Nicole

That’s so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

15 06 2014
sajf

I have been in a monogamous affair for the past 2.5 years. Married for along 6 years with 2 beautiful boys. I met my lover when he moved in next door. My husband and him are both military. I could feel the chemistry instantly. We flirted and found excuses to see each other and be near each other. Then we both discovered that our spouses were doing the same. It was hard to see my husband so into another woman, this wasn’t the first time I’ve caught him cheating and this wasn’t the first time my lovers wife cheated either. It was the fuel we needed to take our relationship to a physical level. We entered into this to just fill the sexual void in our marriages, bond, be each others companion but no plans of divorcing or marrying each other . . .

I have since moved away when my husband was stationed somewhere else. He has moved to a different location too but we are still in communication daily and see each other as often as we can. Our spouses and us are all friends, our children are friends. I never imagined my life would be like this. I was completely against cheating but that changed after difficulties with my husband’s fidelity and then meeting this amazing man. He’s older than me and I’m like a moth to a flame. We complete each other. We’ve tried to end the affair but we both always come back. There’s so much emotion and it’s hard to keep at bay when it’s all a secret. He’s my best friend. We both know each other better than anyone else does. Tell each other our most intimate secrets. But it’s just us.

It’s terribly hard. It’s terribly emotional. He’s very disciplined in not letting his emotions control him but I find it more difficult. I want to marry this man even though I know I never want to divorce my husband. We both love our kids too much and don’t want broken families. It’s sick and twisted but we are keeping our marriages alive this way. I hate it but it’s true.

If I could go back and erase this affair, I would. I’m so obsessed with him that I can’t function without him now. He loves me dearly and doesn’t want to lose me. But we know we can be together. I’m on a never say never cloud, maybe one day we will be. I would rather die than live without him. He’s my best secret. I have no doubt our affair will continue for many more years. He’s the love of my life. No one compares. But at the end of the day, my children’s happiness and his children’s happiness comes first. So our love will stay hidden. Don’t judge. Love is a beautiful thing. No marriage is perfect. I hate myself for making the decision to be in an affair, I greatly regret it. If I never did it, I’d never know what I was missing. Now I have the ache of months and months between his kiss, his touch . . . But it’s worth the wait. We are meant to be, even if it’s hard.

16 06 2014
MrsFifty

I completely understand what your going through
My affair with the same soldier has been 14 years long now
I can’t imagine life without him
His position and location currently does not allow physical but the emotional part is there we talk daily text and always say goodnight
I’m married unhappily together for our children sleep in different rooms. For sure our son is his our daughter might be from our affair something my husband knows. We were not married at the time just dating. He went to Korea before I knew I was pregnant.
I don’t know if we will ever test as my husband is her daddy, my affair well if she is his she is the greatest gift he has ever given me. I think it’s not in our nature to be with just one person we try our best though
I’ve failed miserably but I have a best friend from it possibly a child and i will love him till my last breath
Best wishes to you
Follow your heart

22 08 2014
Mrs Grey

I have been in a Monogamous Affair (I didn’t even know there was a name for it besides an affair) for almost 3 years. He is happily married and so am I. I have 3 beautiful children with my husband. He has a son and one on the way. We didn’t mean for this to happen, we were just friends. We both had some life events happen. We helped each other. Sometimes I feel guilty and disgusted in myself for all of it. He and I have know each other 15 years, I have known his wife just as long. I love him and I know he loves me too, we have never said it to one another, but its there. we have tried to cut ties, but our bond is so strong we give in. We text daily. He is expecting a baby girl any day now. I am mad that I let this happen, but something in me and in him needed it, it is meant to be this way. I have no explanation, its hard to explain. He is not looking for a divorce and nether am I. He knows so many things about me and I him. It is hard to maintain this relationship because sometimes I want to tell the world that I love this man. That I cannot imagine my life without him. Sometimes we go months without touching each other, but when we do the fire, the bond it grows deeper and deeper. He completes me in a way I did not know I needed. He will always be a part of my life. I see what we have going on for many many more years. I am glad I found this website. Its nice to talk and tell my story. I am relieved to know i am not crazy for feeling this way.

18 09 2014
heart of gold. and silver.

I felt exactly the same way when I found this website. Relieved to know that there may not be anything “wrong” with me after all. Maybe it is possible to love 2 people. I knew that affairs are a very common thing, but the fact that 2 people can come together who are both married and want to stay married, i had never heard of before. But here we are. Thanks everyone for sharing your story.

22 08 2014
MrsFifty

I can completely relate! I too at times want to announce to the world, we do confess our crazy love for each other and the fact that you can support one another during life events builds that bond stronger!
Wishing you the very best
Your not alone!
If you need to talk I’m here!

23 08 2014
Mrs Grey

Thank you do much Mrsfifty!

4 12 2014
Lost

Need advice. involved in a long term affair both married for a little over 3 yrs. I think about him all the time. Neither one of us want to change out current family situation. but I feel like I get mixed signals from him all the time. when I asked him yesterday ” what do u want from me?” He said he can’t allow himself to to love one more then the other so he keeps his guard up” I get that, but I think I have let mine down. he has said he want to be exculisive with me, and tells me he loves me at times when we get off the phone. then other times he can be cold and distant, I get that he is busy. I just don’t know how to tell him what I want. he referes to me as ” his girlfriend” I guess I want him to take more of an interest in what is going on in my life, ask me how I am doing.
I am just struggling, any advice would be appreciated.

4 12 2014
Larry

It’s good that he refers to you as “his girlfriend” and that he wants to be exclusive, this is the overall philosophy of this site.
As far as him being cold and distant at times, it could be the stress of family life, work and life itself.

What I don’t understand is his lack of interest in what’s going on with your life, the basis of any relationship is “friendship” and a monogamous affair with it’s secrecy clause enables two people to be and grow close very close especially from the perspective of friendship.

With modern technology an email, or text, or even phone call it’s easy to say good night and good morning, and to check on each other: “How was your day?” “Good luck with your meeting”.

This is something you might want to talk to him about, that you also need the friendship aspect of it, being in each other’s life as much as feasible, even if it’s just knowing what’s going on.

15 12 2014
bluerose

Mine is the same way, distant and cold at times showing very little interest in my life. More than he used to. It feels like he takes me being here for granted

4 12 2014
Lost

Thanks for the response, I just don’t know how to began a conversation like that with him. any tips?

5 12 2014
Larry

Just start. On your next rendezvous start talking to him about your relationship and how you need to be more into each other’s lives, you know just like friends sharing what’s going on regularly. Doesn’t have to be a confrontation, explain to him that you wish to have a friendship-based affair, no need to bring up the “L” word, but Friends, true Friends share the gift of Friendship.

15 12 2014
bluerose

I’ve been in a monogomous affair for 12 years in January. We were both married back then, i have moved on and am since divorced. He has not. It started out as just a sex thing that wasn’t expected to last more than a few months at best. We fell in love and never looked back. Until now. I’ve been divorced now for 9 years and dating hasn’t gone very well since I’m already in love. I feel an overwhelming sense of needing some kind of promise for a. Future with us, but by what im reading here it sounds like im not ever going to get that. This has put a strain on our relationship and I’m trying to pull back on what my wishes are and remember how happy his presence makes me and the unfillable void that would be left behind if he were to leave my life. Im glad i found this site!

29 12 2014
What if..

Wow bluerose. So how are you going? Has he made any promises to you about being together?

28 12 2014
Chelley

Firstly, thank you. This site has made me not feel so alone about this issue. It feels good to know that others are in the same boat, and I don’t feel so isolated anymore. Thank you.

28 12 2014
Lost

So do you talk to him about it? And I so how do you bring it up

31 12 2014
What if...

So what to do when you are in a position that you want someone but can’t have them? I want someone but can’t have them. I love my husband, my life and everything that goes with it, why can’t I have both? Is it so bad to want that? Society can be so disapproving with this. Do I want to be exclusive with the person that i love, well no, because I’m still totally in love with my husband. i still have that butterfly feeling with my husband and we’ve been together for a long time, but I have this very same feeling with my other. Why is it that when we talk about true love that its only ever with one person? I know i have found two? Is that possible, and is it wrong to want both at the same time? is that being selfish? Well yes, I guess so.
Everything is so effortless with both, except one knows of the other, is there such a thing as having two soul mates? Is it so bad to want to have both of these people all your life, or must we always have to let one go?

31 12 2014
MrsGrey

I have asked myself those same questions. You aren’t alone.

26 12 2015
Totally get it

I’m a woman who has always been attracted to both men and women. I had been married and monogamous to my wife for 20 years. We’re happy and I never want a life without her. But lately I’ve become physically and emotionally attached to a man who is ok with my situation. We only see each other a few times a year because I live in Spain and he lives in Canada. (I’m a native Canadian but we moved to Spain for my job.) My “monogamous affair” and I have known each other for a few years but never acted on anything until about a year ago. I enjoy him and he enjoys me. There are feelings there and occasionally he talks about what life would be like if I left my wife. He claims that he doesn’t date other women…my hope is that he does so that there isn’t unrealistic pressures placed on our interaction. I do care very deeply for him and know that it’s possible for your heart to be filled with more than one person. I never want things to end with me and my affair. He has told me that no matter what happens in his life that he always wants me. But I fear that when he does actually find a woman he wants to be with full time that he won’t continue our affair….I suspect it’s also why he’s been asking me more about the possibility of me leaving my wife. I’ve been honest with him from day one….I have no intentions to leave her but I really want them both.

31 12 2014
Mrs fifty

I have a question. After 16 years of being “the other woman”, possibly a child together, a connection I can’t explain and deployments and life, at what point do I say what about me? We are both married. He is on wife 3. I’m still in my convenient marriage, unhappy, unloved, at what point after 16 years do I say enough to both and honestly I don’t know HOW to live without him. We have survived more than most marriages. But as I’m getting older I feel like I’m being selfish saying okay your retiring after 40 years in the military, what about us now? am I wrong to want to spend years of “us” now? I feel so conflicted inside. 2015 I hope for all of us is a fabulous year of growth and love

31 12 2014
Larry

You and only you know the answer to this.
You need to do a lot of self analysis and decide if what you have is good enough, if it is not you know what to do.
Then, you need to decide if wanting more is really better than what you have today, if so talk to him, see how he feels about the same, be prepared for any answer you get from him. Like most relationship decisions, it takes two.

31 12 2014
Lost

Any advice on keeping this affiar going my AP mentioned to me, that ” it can be hard to maintain this kind of relationship” we expressed to each other that neither of us want this to end.

31 12 2014
Larry

Keep your focus on the present time, and how much you enjoy each other with the Affair “as is”; one day at a time, one date at a time. The alternative might not be “more” the alternative might be “no more” of what you have right now.

31 12 2014
Lost

Well put, thank you. Sometimes I feel like this is hard, but I don’t want to stop, if that makes any since

31 12 2014
Larry

Don’t stop! If it’s good, why stop?

17 02 2015
Uncertain circumstances..

Does sort of relationship eventually slow down and go away with time? I’m in the situation which has been described like the others in previous comments? You say in the advise not to use the L-word and if it does, it could mean that you may not love the person you are with now for the other person. Can’t we love them both just as much as the other? And still use the L-word to both? Be committed to both? The advice on here has been very helpful and insightful. It is greatly appreciated. I do want both, I want that piece of cake and eat it, I want it all. It does hurt to think of the other people involved, but life is too short to not know, and I think living with regrets is much worse.

17 02 2015
Larry

A Monogamous Affair is a relationship, and just like any relationship might or might not slow down and go away with time; my position is that a Monogamous Affair is a Long Term relationship, and very Long one.

The L-word is one of those words that is misused so much in today’s world, misused and abused to the point that we all have a different understanding of what it means, and yet at the same time it has a highly charged emotional connotation. Removing the word from the context of the relationship doesn’t remove caring for each other, or the commitment, quite the contrary. Say that you care for each other and then show it; promise commitment to each other, and then show it it’s a lot better, and requires more genuine effort, than just saying one 4-letter word.

17 02 2015
Mrs fifty

I agree, once you start you just can’t stop. I sometimes call it my addiction, in reality I want my cake and eat it too as well.
We use the L word daily personally and we show it in other ways as well. In my marriage it’s sadly just a word that I never say but here daily. Its been that way for years. He does it out of habit, we sleep in other rooms.
If this relationship makes you happy then keep going. Its when you try to change things, fix things that are not broken that problems may arise. Wishing you the best!

17 02 2015
Larry

I would not use the term “I want my cake and eat it too”, that’s something made up by overly judgmental people who are clueless about a situation and yet feel the need to dish out judgment. For those individuals who are in committed Monogamous Affairs it’s a necessity and a very pleasant one, sure it might feel like an addiction, but as long as it’s pleasant and not detrimental, a good addiction to have.

17 02 2015
Mrs fifty

It’s a healthy need want that both feel full filled from. Its genuine.

26 02 2015
Hope

I ran across this blog tonight and wanted to share a little. I was in a monogamous affair for just over 10 years. My husband is the love of my life but the man I was in a monogamous affair with was my soul mate. Like many other posts, neither of us was leaving our families for each other. We were best friends as well as very successful C-level managers at the same company. We shared dreams, goals, heartache, joy and pushed each other to be the best possible versions of ourselves when our own spouses were wrapped up in whatever petty drama at home. Albeit wonderful, the physical aspect was never the primary focus of the relationship, albeit wonderful, it really was our intense intellectual and emotional connection. Managing the relationship took a considerable amount of work, patience and understanding. Time was never in our circle of friends.

Then he suddenly passed away 2 months ago, and I am still inconsolable. There was no goodbye, no flowers, no condolence cards even though I lost my soul mate. I was alone to grieve with no words to explain my intense grief to anyone. Soon after he passed, his wife found out about the affair and made it public. And with one felled swoop both families, his and mine, were devastated for a second time.

I just wanted everyone reading this post to realize that a monogamous affair does bring so much joy but also does bring ambiguity and darkness too.

26 02 2015
Larry

I am very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing of your story.

13 04 2015
Sam

That is my worst nightmare. I am so sorry for your loss.

27 02 2015
Mrs fifty

Tears slipping from my eyes because my heart knows I will be in the same situation one day and I am so sorry. I am truly sorry for your loss and that you haven’t had the chance to properly grieve. I personally worry every day that a government vehicle will come and notify me of his passing. Everytime he ships out a piece of my heart breaks.
I’m am so sorry you lost your forever love. No words come to mind other than you are loved.
Thank you for sharing your story. And for sharing the reality that this could be any of us. I cannot imagine after 16 years losing him. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

27 02 2015
Hope

I truly appreciate the kind replies.

In retrospect, the escape of our relationship was a constant comfort. Our commitment to one another was — he promised to one day ask to for my hand in marriage, if in return, I promised to say no, essentially acknowledging leaving our respective families would never result in a lasting happy relationship.

Its like Charles Dickens’ mistress, Ellen Lawless Ternan, who spent years as his “companion”, only for their relationship to be revealed years after his death.

For those looking for advice, it is important to take the happiness one event at a time and actually try to be happy outside of the monogamous relationship. There can not be expectations or obligations. You can not be jealous of the time he/she spends on other interests and need to have interests of your own. The relationship will never work if you are waiting for them to call, waiting for them to leave their situation, etc.

You have to be honest with yourself. Are you in love or addicted with the high felt when you are with that person? If you want answers, you have to ask and be prepared for an answer you may not want to hear.

7 03 2015
Molly

I cannot tell you how glad I was to find this site. I have been in a secret monogamous affair for almost twenty years now. We both love our respective spouses tremendously and have no intentions of leaving our marriages.

First and foremost, Hope, I am sorry for your loss. Due to the long term of our relationship, the thoughts of how much longer we can do this is starting to come to mind. Just like all marriages end in tragedy (death or divorce) so do long term affairs (death, discovery or calling it quits for multiple other reasons). Hope’s advice to take happiness one event at a time is invaluable and to be honest with YOURSELF.

You need to “be present” wherever you are, whether with your spouse or your lover. You will drive yourself crazy if you are thinking about one while you are with the other.

I could go on and on about the highs and lows experienced for the last twenty years and probably give some insight to those with lesser years of experience, but just to know there are others out there that truly understand this lifestyle is comforting enough!

12 04 2015
Uncertain circumstances

I haven’t been on this site for a while and I’m truly touched by the post by Hope. I feel I am in this very same situation. I am married to the love of my life and the person I am in a monogamous affair with is my soul mate. With both, everything comes so easy. I do fear for the day that I lose either of them.
Molly… I think I am one of those that could benefit greatly from your insight. I have been having a monogamous affair now for nearly six years. We have both expressed our love to each other in many ways. We have spoken about this many times and we have missed our chances to be with each other, and now simply accept our situation as it is.

I am totally prepared for those answers that I may not want to hear, but the answers I have received are the answers that I didn’t want to hear, which is what has led us to where we are now, in a monogamous affair. I have absolutely no regrets of the path I am on now, I believe it would be much worse if I never found out.

It is hard and I totally agree with the not having expectations and obligations, although this is so much more harder said than done at times. I guess I still have a long way to go, and I totally agree to take the happiness one event at a time. I just don’t take things for granted and soak in every single minute that I am with him and cherish that.

Thank you for this site as I know I’m not alone.

12 04 2015
Larry

Dear Uncertain Circumstances, they say that Impermanence is the only constant in life.
From your writing as of now you have it going on, With both, everything comes so easy you say. So enjoy it.
Be careful in not being caught, you can get some tips in the article Rules for a Monogamous Affair, don’t take unnecessary risks.
Of course there are no guarantees in life, it’s just the way it is, however if the two of you continue doing what you have been doing, the way you have been doing it, there’s no reason why things should end, if anything with time the bond grows stronger and stronger.
Enjoy what you have, each and every day; appreciate each other, and truly be thrilled of having each other and be in each other’s life.
I wish you all the best.
Smile!

13 04 2015
Uncertain circumstances

Larry thank you for the tips and I totally agree that we have to take more precaution and care. I will think these through. xo
Yes I am smiling:)

13 04 2015
Larry

You’re welcome.
You must be careful, never take any chances to get caught.
Keep on smiling.

24 03 2015
ladyS

I am seeing a married man with two small children. I am in an unhappy marriage and have told my husband that I am dating, but not of this affair. He accepted the fact of my dating, after my many attempts to discuss and reconcile our differences have gone unanswered. We have a teenager and I wasn’t ready to leave the marriage, when I started dating. I met my lover 3 months ago, online. From the first conversation, I have felt an irresistible connection to him. We have only met three times, but chat daily. I’m afraid I am falling for him. He brings me so much happiness and our connection is so strong. I tried to stop this affair a couple of times, in the first couple of months, but could not stay away. In the past 3 months he has been on my mind everyday, sometimes all day. I’ve been married 25 years and have never felt this type of connection. I feel am addicted to my lover. I have stopped seeing other men, because I only thought of him when I was on a date. I want to end my marriage, but I can’t see the point. Why leave my child, if I’m involved with a married man and don’t want to end the affair. My husband is content to be be my roommate, as long as I don’t cause him and his mother, who lives with us, the turmoil of selling the house and dividing our assets.
I feel I may be setting myself up for a life half lived, as I find little joy without my lover. I should be looking for this with a man that can give me his love and time freely, but I don’t think I will ever feel this amazing connection with anyone else. Reading your stories makes me wonder, since I am not in a loving relationship with my husband, (We have had separate rooms for 10 years and have not had sex in over 8 months) how can waiting on the sidelines be a fulfilling life? On the other hand, I know what we share is very special and I will not be able to walk away. I’ve been reading about soulmates and what I’ve experienced seems to fit. Am I deluding myself?

24 03 2015
Larry

Dear ladyS in order to answer your question “am I deluding myself?” you need to first answer the question “In respect to what?”. And that’s not an easy answer since it is only based on your own perceptions which have nothing to do with reality.

But we do have reality, your reality, when you say “He brings me so much happiness and our connection is so strong.” and the also “In the past 3 months he has been on my mind everyday, sometimes all day. I’ve been married 25 years and have never felt this type of connection. I feel am addicted to my lover. ” To me it sounds like something wonderful, extra-ordinary, something that most people don’t even get a taste in a lifetime.

So, what is the alternative? End the affair? And what for?
Because you have something wonderful and tangible and real right, but you feel that you want ‘more’? And since you can’t have ‘more’ you’re going to give up all you have now?

I believe you want more due to the social construct of being married, or otherwise partnered. You have that now, with your husband, How did that work out?
Now you have your Lover, enjoy it as it is, you have something special and wonderful, it’s human nature to want more, but don’t ruin what you have, don’t give up this gift, because of wanting more. Longing for someone from whom you’re only temporarily separate physically is a great feeling, much better than being in close proximity to someone you don’t care much.

So, wondering if you’re deluding yourself, and continue enjoying what you have, your lover, and the magic that the tow of you make together.

24 03 2015
ladyS

Larry,
Thank you so much for what you said. It brought tears to my eyes.
I don’t get any positive feed back from my best friend who knows and reading all the other stories of affairs on the web, only adds to my anguish.

The connection we share is magical and beautiful and I don’t want to let it go. Everything I’ve read for weeks now, just reiterates that this is an awful thing I’m doing…having an affair. I am immoral… This will end in disaster… I am tearing him away from his family… causing everyone involved so much pain… I will always be alone. Those are the sentiments and the blame that make me ashamed and cause me anguish.

Thank you for your words. They validate what I know in my heart to be true. As you said this is a gift. This is special and beautiful. Every time I chat with him he reminds of how alive and happy he feels and I feel the same.
I will try to do as you said. Enjoy this amazing connection and the beauty it is bringing to us.
I am greatful for your insight.

25 03 2015
Larry

You’re very welcome ladyS.
You’re not going to get any positive feedback from anyone who has not experienced what you are experiencing.
Everyone out there is brainwashed with a narrative that doesn’t take into account what you know in you heart to be true.
You have your life, your friends, your family, your lover, your husband. Each of them sees the same person, but through a different lens; you have to be diplomatic and only share with each of them only those parts of you that they are able to handle. With a lover is a different story, when the two of you are together the rest of the world to become background noise, and you are able to share of yourself with each other at the deepest level.
Nobody would ever be able to understand that, unless they have experienced it themselves.
Enjoying your affair means to enjoying life.
And your life belongs to you, not to your so called friends.

26 03 2015
ladyS

Larry,
Thank you again. You are right in saying “Everyone out there is brainwashed with a narrative that doesn’t take into account what you know in you heart to be true.”
My friend only sees heart ache for me and is concerned. She sees how happy I am with my lover, but can’t shake her strong belief that this is wrong and is doomed to end in disaster for me.

I need to stop talking about it, because worrying about me is actually affecting her wellbeing. I try to tell her, he would never knowingly hurt me, but there are no guarantees in any relationship. I certainly never imagined my marriage to be devoid of love and affection.

Your advice has given me peace. It is what I needed to hear, to allow my heart and soul to rejoice in the beauty of our connection, rather than distroy what I feel is the best thing that has happened to me in many years. I plan to enjoy every moment and push away the negative thoughts and worries about what may or may not happen.:-)

Thank you!!

26 03 2015
Larry

You’re welcome ladyS. If you and your lover are smart and prudent there’s no reason to end in a disaster.
Your affair is no different than any other relationship, maybe one day will end, there are no guarantees, we all know that, and yet people start relationship every day, don’t they?
And if one day your affair will end, be glad for the time and the experiences that you have had.
When we eat a dessert, we know when we start that once we are done eating, there will be no more dessert; so is the answer not to eat the dessert? Just like life, eat that dessert and enjoy every single morsel of it.
Ask your friend if she’s avoiding relationships because of fear that they will end; or if she only enters relationship where she has a 100% guarantee that it will never en; and if so, where is she getting this guarantee?

1 04 2015
ladyS

Hi Larry,
Since writing you last, I have been happy and content about my relationship. We chated everyday and met in person. Our connection, intimacy and friendship has been flowering, and it has brought me absolute joy. He texted last week that he was “walking on sunshine”!
Then the weekend happened….
Something triggered a massive reevaluation of what he wants. Being an introvert, he sent a criptic text stating he is very unhappy and a mess and trying to straighten it out. I asked if he was rethinking us and he replied that he was rethinking what he wants. And asked for time and to bare with him.
I am out of my mind at this point. It’s been 5 days since we had a decent conversation and 3 days since his statement. I don’t want to contact him, because if he is reevaluating his life, I don’t want to interfere or attempt to influence his decisions. Deep down I know he wants what we have together, but I can’t stand waiting to hear. He has small children and I don’t, and wouldn’t want to, compare to the love and devotion he has for them.
I know introverts take a long time to process things and don’t feel the need to check in and communicate, but as I sit here typing, i can’t even breath. Thinking I might lose him is devastating.
When we met he told me he only wanted physical intimacy and that was all. But as time went on, we both realized there was a much stronger force pulling us together. He has told me he feels it too. Could he decide to walk away for the sake of his family? I just don’t know….
I am trying very hard to give him the time he needs, but it is making me physically ill. I know I wouldn’t make it harder for him, if that is his decision, because I want him to be happy. I will always cherish our time and remember, because of him I now know what a real connection and intimacy should feel like. But this waiting is pure torture.
I had nowhere else to turn to express my pure panic and pain. Thanks for reading this and allowing me a place to share.

1 04 2015
Larry

Dear LadyS: what the two of you are having is an intense emotional relationship, and in the middle of it all he’s evaluating divorce in order to have a traditional relationship with you. When that happens Drama ensues.
That’s why I am advocating Monogamous Affairs only between married people who, no matter what, want to remain married.

A properly structured Monogamous Affair will make everyone happy, I know this much.

12 04 2015
LadyS

Hi Larry,
You may he right. I think he is having a very difficult time balancing everything. We are talking a little again, but he is still keeping his distance. He is reassuring, and claims to want to continue our relationship. But, I don’t know how long I will be able to wait for things to go back to normal. I feel I should step back and let him focus on his family, because I can see this causing him so much pain. I asked if I should do that, but he is adamant in his desire to continue seeing me.
I miss him terribly, but I would let him go, rather than see him suffer like this. He loves his children dearly and will not be able to be separated from them.
At this point, I’m not even focused on my needs, but on what is right for him. Should I step out of the picture?

12 04 2015
Larry

I think you should ask him what is that he wants, and what is that he wants to do.
At the same time you should also ask yourself and what is that you want to do.
The last thing you want to do is to do something that you believe he wants without you asking him, or without he expressing it; that’s called mind reading and it’s a very bad way to go through life.

1 04 2015
Lost

I understand where you are at. it’s so hard to sit and wait, your mind wonders about all the would ifs.
I also understand that you may be worried about no more contact at all.
My partner is also an intervert, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to answer my questions.
I would not contact him, as hard as that is, try to find something to occupy your mind, go to dinner with a friend, go to a movie, distract your self.
I can tell you that the thought will come back about him, but there is a relief from it being out of your mind for at least an hour. good luck and stay strong

1 04 2015
ladyS

Thank you lost. I’ve been reading about introverts for a the last few days, trying to understand the silence, and decide what to do. I want to contact him so badly and ask him to just get it over with – just to end this limbo. But I have to respect his process. Thanks for reiterating that for me. I am not built to suffer and ponder in silence, so I have to work at allowing him his time.

12 04 2015
Mrs fifty

Hey All,
So I need help please! My soul mate, the only man I have ever been faithful too, ever truly loved now for 16 years and may have 1 child with his wife was diagnosed with cancer 1.5 years ago. I haven’t seen him since. He is high ranking military, they live in different states right now. I have been very supportive of her battle as she has chosen no treatment other than removal of both breasts. Since her diagnosis our dynamics have changed. He got mad and wanted to leave her and I talked sense into him for 2 hours. Now I’m in the dark, battling my own health issues, he’s complicated, confusing, always I love yous and one day he needs to see me the next day it’s no I need to focus on Bren. I feel at,my wits end as he said this Friday I thought you understood we were just friends that I have to give her all of me. I died inside as this same man 24 hours before emailed me a very sexy request, wanted me to board a plane and spend 4 days with him. His emotions are everywhere as are mine. He is sending me such contradicting messages I don’t know what to do. 16 years is hard to walk away without a scar especially when he is the one who says until death do us part. Do I back away let him come to me for emotional support or do I just drift away? I can’t imagine him going through this alone and yes I admit I’m a little jealous at times that I get no attention and she gets it all. Its selfish of me and I feel horrible. I guess I never received the memo of just friends, I didn’t know you treated friends sexual mentally and Skype with them as well. I am torn. My daughter is putting pressure on me as she has,requested a paternity test as she looks nothing like her dad and he slipped up a few years ago and she heard I was pregnant before marriage and we had just gotten back together dating. The other Ciampa was leaving for Korea. Please help me be a,better person for him and me too! How do you figure out what they need when they are giving you so many mixed signals? I have felt so incomplete lately, so many false promises, trying to have no expectations too. He makes them. I try to not hold them.
Thank you all. We are soul mate as he has said in the past as well and I don’t want to lose him nor drive him away. Maybe my advice was too good? I just wanted him to have no regrets. Cancer is evil. Again thank you. I can’t stop sobbing, I feel like a school girl losing her first crush!
Warmly,

13 04 2015
Lost

I have a question, do any of you get frustrated with your affair partner?
I feel like I put out more effort then him,I say good morning, how are you, etc, and I hear Nonthing back for several days. another example, i had a time frame where I could really spend some time with him, told her over a week prior so hopefully, he could make arrangements, and I don’t hear anything for him. I am just very frustrated.

13 04 2015
Larry

This is not an issue of affairs per se, but more about relationships in general.
If you think you’re putting a lot more effort than the other party, you are in a relationship where you care a lot more than the other party.
Talk to him directly, tell him what you just told us, ask him what is that you expect; get your answers, examine that the future behavior matches the answers; then act accordingly.
As I have stated many times before in this forum a Monogamous Affair is a more committed relationship than most other types of relationships.

13 04 2015
Mrs fifty

What if the man your having an affair with is horrible expressing himself? How do you help them out it into words? Mine thinks I should just know. I try my best but being pulled a thousand directions on top of a long term affair to remain quiet how do you get someone to communicate when that’s his biggest struggle? Thank you for such great advice!

13 04 2015
Larry

If he has issues with communicating ask him. Ask him open ended questions but specific to what is that you want to know or clarify.
Some people who have problems communicating face to face find it easier to communicate via email, try that.

What you want to avoid is to give him multiple choices, or to ask to confirm something that you have come up with. Remember you are trying to elicit what is in his mind, no to plant something in his mind.

It might be that you are on different levels, what often happens is that the male is fine with the affair as it is, while the female wants more, something different. If that’s the case it becomes a problem; so it’s not so much a question of communications, it a question of not liking the topic of conversation.

3 07 2015
Missy

Thank you so much for this article an this site. There are times I feel so alone in this affair. It is comforting to know that others understand and also that there is hope that this relationship can work for us. Ours is still a new relationship(4 months) but we knew from the beginning that a long term monogamous relationship was what we were looking for. I have been married for 30 years and have family and community dynamics that would make it painful to end the marriage or have an affair exposed. He has younger children and financial concerns. There are times we are tempted to just “run away” together but realize that a lifelong monogamous relationship will allow us to have the love, passion, and friendship we crave, while living up to life’s previous obligations. This is the life we choose and while it has its difficulties, it is definitely worth it.

16 07 2015
Larry

You said it perfectyly . . . a lifelong monogamous relationship will allow us to have the love, passion, and friendship we crave, while living up to life’s previous obligations. This is the life we choose and while it has its difficulties, it is definitely worth it.

15 07 2015
Charlotte L.

Hello Larry,

I wanted to write to you so many times, but I didn’t have the courage…up until now, when I really need some support.
I have a classic monogamous affair: both married for a long time, have kids. It’s going on for a year now. We enjoy each other so much…But…today he almost got caught by his wife: nobody’s fault, we’re very careful, just bad circumstances. Currently she may have suspicions, but no proof. I haven’t spoken with him yet after he talked to her: it’s night and I can’t sleep. I’m so worried about him, and so sad that he got in trouble. Although, according to him, his is one of those sexless marriages, when the wife realizes he’s getting some action on the side, but ignores it. But still, I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I’m absolutely terrified that he’ll say we have to stop seeing each other. I understand if we have to wait for a few weeks, but I can’t live without knowing I’m going to see him sometime soon. I’m new to all this…What do you think may happen?

Thanks

16 07 2015
Larry

Hello Charlotte: first of all, don’t panic.
Trust your partner that he’s going to handle the situation in the best possible way, in the meanwhile stay put.
Once you get to talk to him again, decide on how to proceed going forward, needless to say you’ll have to both be more careful and avoid any possible bad circumstances.
Nobody knows what may happen, only time will tell.

22 07 2015
Charlotte L.

Hi Larry,
Actually, he called the next day and said that nothing has changed between us, and he misses me, but we have to be extra cautious until the things calm down. I guess it’s fair. But it’s killing me to know he’s in trouble and not to know when I’m going to see him again. So, you’re right, we stay put.

21 07 2015
Charlie

Lifetime Affair
Really glad to have found this blog! I have been in a lifetime affair with the same man for – drumroll please – over 30 years. It isn’t a constant thing, and we don’t see each other very often. It started as a relationship when we were in our 20s. We both married other people, but nothing stopped our affair. I divorced, remarried, and still continued our affair. He has been in the same marriage this entire time, and we haven’t seen each other now for several years, but within the next month we intend to change that. Now we are in our 50’s, I am no longer married, and don’t want to be ever again, not even to him. I think ours is more based on a very passionate and intense chemistry we share that I know will never be with anyone else. Until I found this blog, I thought we were the oldest “friends with benefits” around and glad to know of others out there! So I don’t know how our rendezvous will go, but more than likely it will be pretty hot. We both are very discreet and do not want to hurt anyone, and never have. I read above the comments about finding out something bad happens to him and I may not even know it for days and I will be devastated. We don’t even live in the same state. But even that “known heartbreak” isn’t enough to give up the joy I feel when I’m with him, he seriously offers better benefits than my job .

21 07 2015
mrsfifty

Hi Charlie…well you have me beat in time by a lot mine is 16 years. I think yours sounds healthy and perfect for you both. I could not agree more about the chemistry you’ll never find with another. I tested it out with him knowing and nobody got my heart racing with just excitement of knowing I’d see them, or butterflies in my tummy or the genuine true deep love felt whether by phone text email or in person. I call mine my best friend lover partner in crime and soul mate.
I do have a question, we have recently taken a break as his wife has cancer that she’s not treating and he didn’t want to end us completely but emails and always ends with love you. How do you get by the years you don’t see one another? He is the only man that we can both finish each others sentence, we just confirmed now that he,retired from the Army that we do have a child together. So how does it work for you on those off years, blind faith? I loved your upbeat message. Welcome and no your not alone.

22 07 2015
Charlie

Mrsfifty….I think blind faith is as good a description as any other. I think in this relationship, it isn’t something that time can affect…I know this at an almost primal level. When I miss him, I sometimes get angry, but that is the opposite of Love and even that only feeds the passion. It’s maddening, wonderful, frustrating, infuriating, everything. Lovers will always find their way back to each other, no matter the time or distance. Best of luck to you!

22 07 2015
Charlie

Correction: “Time cannot affect” is what I meant to type. Sorry about that.

26 07 2015
Althea

While you say both participants in a long term monogamous affair are usually married – maybe not. I had been in a 20 year monogamous affair (I thought)with a married man until last year. I did not find out until he broke up with me that he had cheated on me twice – not with his wife. We were happy and trusted each other (I thought). I have talked with his wife and find that she and I could have been great friends in different circumstances. I was honest with her and I firmly believe that she was honest with me. We are in our 60’s so perhaps mature enough to communicate without rancor. Yes, she is devastated knowing that her husband was with me for two decades (20 years). She reached out to me with forgiveness and grace. She consoles me because I was grieving the loss of my long term lover. We cried together then hugged and went our separate ways. No, we will not be friends – but somehow I think she understands why I loved her husband. I never EVER interfered in their lives. I was completely unknown to her until her husband got sloppy and left evidence of me in an email.

24 10 2015
Dani

The guy I am seeing and myself are both married but seperated. He has kids and I do not. Is it still considered a monogamous affair? What are the pros and cons in this type of affair?

24 10 2015
Larry

If you are both separated it’s not technically an affair per se.
If you’re not having sex with anyone else you’re monogamous.

Are you happy and satisfied? That’s all that matters. Enjoy each other, enjoy what you have.

23 11 2015
Love is beautiful

My story starts few months ago. It is such an unexplainable strong connection we have for each other. We tried to break up twice due to guilt we both feel for our spouses. However, the gravity were too strong. We decided to embress our love and follow our hearts. We both are very happy and never felt better. Our relationship with our spouses are improved and I was told that I am glowing and never look better. Love is so beautiful and love without possession is the biggest love of all.

3 12 2015
The Nurse

Larry, thank you so much for this blog. It speaks to everything I have been going through for the past year. However I need advice. I wouldn’t say I am unhappy in my marriage, more unfulfilled. My lover is a former coworker and has become my best friend and best physical connection I have ever experienced. We dont spend much physical time together because we are both in an organization that meets 2 days a month. However my husband has discovered that I speak to my lover on the phone daily sometimes for hours at a time while at work. He’s also gone thru our text and see we speak regularly. No hard evidence of the affair, but enough contact to demand I stop speaking to him. I don’t take any time away from my husband or small children, nor does he with his wife and children. I don’t want to lose my family and I cannot lose my lover. The connection we have is far beyond sex. I’m not sure how to handle the situation as far as my husband. He’s never shown me affection or support in the way that I need, but I love him and accept that about him. However as a human being, I still need it elsewhere and I am not interested in finding it in another person since my lover makes me feel like time stands still when we communicate. He kisses me in a way that I no longer know who’s air I am breathing. My husband has never shown interest in being affectionate with me until now that he feels threatened. I tell him all the time that I’m not going anywhere. I don’t feelthat what my husband gives is genuine. It’s forced. I don’t know what to do

3 12 2015
Larry

Dear Nurse. I am glad that you enjoyed my blog, and that it speaks to you.

About your situation. From your writing I assume that you have made the decision to continue the Affair. If that’s the case you need to step up your logistics about communicating with your Lover. You will find some tips under “Rules for a Monogamous Affair” and “Logistics for a Monogamous Affair”.

Going forward you’ll need to be more careful about logistics and communications, since your spouse is going to be on alert. You owe it to yourself, to your Lover and to your spouse to be careful and discreet.

26 12 2015
Chris

Wow. I’ll be coming back to this blog when I have more time, but I’m tearing up just realizing what I knew in my heart- that I’m not crazy to be truly in love with more than one person. My husband (of 19 years, 25 together) is my best friend. My lover (of 6 months) and I had an instant connection that I’ve never really had with anyone else- let alone anyone that’s not the same religion, political party, is 10 years my junior, and lives 1400 miles away. Thank you all so much for sharing. I’ll be back to continue when I have more time but I’m so glad I found this.

28 12 2015
BiLove

I am a woman in a 14 year-long marriange with another woman. She and I are mostly happy and I love her dearly. However, recently, I have started having unmet desires (moth emotional and physical) for men. Before being with her, I dated both men and women, but never at the same time. I never cheated on anyone I was with. Flash forward to now and I have found myself desiring men for the past few years but have never acted on it.

We´re both Canadians but my wife and I live overseas because of my job. While visiting Canada at an event, I saw a man who I´ve known for several years but nothing ever happened between us. In fact, before moving out of the country, he and I were both in relationships and neither of us knew there was a mutual attraction between. At the event, sparks flew. We hugged because we hadn´t seen each other in almost a year and I instantly felt something for him….and him for me. We flirted the rest of the evening and later talked on the phone. Eventually we went out for lunch and what felt like 5 minutes of hanging out was actually 8 hours! Since then, we have been emarking on a discreet monogamous affair. He´s a bit older than I am. (I´m in my mid-40s and he just turned 60.) He´s single now but respects the fact that I have no intentions on leaving my wife. He tells me he´s never felt so alive or connected to anyone. We´re able to talk for hours and just enjoy each other´s company. He´s visited me overseas a couple of times during work trips that I have. He´s amazing and I care for him. I love what we have.

I can´t help but feel guilty about the situation. I don´t want to lose my wife….I love her so much. But being with her alone is no longer enough for me. It´s unfair to her….but there is no way to tell her without ending what we have. I’m so torn and would love to hear some advice from Larry on this one.

7 01 2016
Anita

I have a sense of comfort reading through everyone’s stories, knowing I am not alone. My story began a little over 2 and half years ago, that is when I meet my lover who is 10 yrs. my senior. We have both been married to our spouses for over 25 years. When we meet there was a strong connection that we both felt. Unexplainable, but very much felt in a deep soul awaking level. I am a spiritual person and because of this connection I have gone back to my studies of metaphysics and realized that this relationship was meant to happen. We are very careful not be discovered . Our number one priority is to bring no harm and pain to our spouses, because of this there is many times we go weeks with out seeing each other, We email almost on a daily basis. The longing can be so unbearable at times, but through it we are able to communicate our feelings to each other. Our relationship embodies an energy of lust/love/friendship. I hope to have this man in my life for many more years to come.

29 01 2016
Soromantic

Im so glad to have found this website. it has helped clarify a lot for me. I could use some words of encouragement/clarity to move forward in my monogamous affair. It has filled my life more than anything, but it also leaves me confused, with guilt and it brings up a lot of wounds for me that I’m trying so desperately to move past. I’ve been in this for 3 years. its a man i met at work so we have opportunity for daily contact during weekdays. we work a lone often so we’ve had phases of very intense daily intimacy and days of being a little bit cooler as we both have spouses and families to go home too. but nothing on weekend, vacations, etc. and i get sad during these times. he has claimed from the beginning that he loves his wife and will always stay married. i’ve have felt that i love my family, not so connected to hub so given the right situation i would leave. on the other hand this affair has many ways been the best of all worlds. but the guilt and secrecy kills me. i wish we could share with our partners that we want a more open marriage. don’t they deserve to know? and how can anyone here say they really love their spouse if we are lying to them? the other thing that i cant get over is the jealousy. knowing my affair man goes home and loves his wife, has sex with hr and enjoys her. i spend too much time thinking about, what do i bring that makes him want to be here, what don’t i bring that makes him not want me all the time. i know thats my thing to deal with. I want this relationship. It enhances me in so many more ways than hurts me. I just wish like I am reading above I could be OK with it just being what it is. Knowing it is special for what it is, not comparing it to anything. Not sharing it with the world and accepting it is ours and ours only. but the torture of these things it brings up, cane be rough on days. how do others deal with any of these questions, or do they not come up?

30 01 2016
Larry

Dear Soromantic, thank you for sharing of your story. I am glad to hear that you know that you want this relationship because, among other things, it enhances you.

Do you want more? Don’t we all?
Yet be careful that at times by wanting more you might lose it all. I have seen it happen.

You have a Monogoamous Affair, and yours enhances you; do you know how lucky you are?

Enjoy your life and your affair; don’t let your mind go places where your mind should not go.

31 01 2016
struggling

I to am struggling, but when I think about it I know that I would rather him in my life then not. But the struggle has been very hard for me lately. It’s like fighting with the natural progression of a relationship. this is all that is will be ” our secret”, I told him I was struggling, and he just says ” your not in this alone” that offers me no support. I don’t find that response comferting.
He is always on my mind, and I couldn’t picture my life without our daily text of even a simple good morning.
Struggling with if I should step back or not but when I think of that it literally bring me to tears. I do love him. Confused is not the word, mabey I am thinking to much, some support would be helpful

11 03 2016
Cornuni

@Struggling …I remember going through that particular phase in my monogamous affair. I remember looking for some form of a “commitment” some…THING that felt like a natural progression in a glorious relationship. There is no such thing though. He IS struggling. I will tell you what happened in my two year struggle with this very concept, and how I overcame it.

Flash back maybe 5 years ago: I hated the roller coasters. Our relationship would be intense and involved, and then all of a sudden, he’d withdraw out of the blue. I dealt with that pattern for a couple of years. Glorious moments of connection followed by crickets…and it usually happened after sex. It made me feel like an object. Not knowing what to do, and having difficulty coping, I finally sent him an email telling him that I needed some time because I couldn’t handle the painful patterns. He told me it was refreshing to hear what I was thinking, and two days later when I finally chatted with him on the phone, it was the first time he shared his feelings for me.

I wasn’t an object, and he would take whatever I would give him (like the selfish asshole he was – haha – his words) for as long as he could have it. He wasn’t going to give me up, but he knew it was inevitable that I would one day end our relationship or that we’d eventually get caught. He adored me…cared for me deeply. He thought about me constantly, and he had no idea that I was feeling such torment. Anyway…it went on.

So things continued. And because I felt the need for “natural progression in a relationship,” I decided what I was really after was maybe just the “L” word. Some sort of acknowledgment that he was into me. Guess what? It didn’t come. A year went by. 6 more months too. More bumps – him emailing and snapchatting other women, me starting a swinging lifestyle with my husband…jealousy, suspicion, torment. We overcame all of that…sort of. At the crux of the worst part of my jealousy and suspicion with his female coworkers, I ended it. It was too painful. It had gone on like that for too long. If I wasn’t special anymore, what was the point? I felt like garbage.

We sat together in my car days later in some abandoned parking lot, and he finally told me that he loved me. He told me I made him a better man, and that I know him better than anyone. He said that withdrawing and compartmentalizing was the only way to stay sane. He couldn’t abandon his family, but that he had thought about it before…playing it out in his mind, and it scared him…rattled him to his core. So in order to not torment himself, he would have to distance himself from me. Re-balance. The worst part is that he said he wouldn’t ever have admitted any of those things to me had I not tried to end our relationship.

I had no idea. None. I thought that I was crazy, weird, or torturing myself. He was consuming my thoughts, but it seemed like I just wasn’t that for him. He flirts with other women…and I flirt with other men. It doesn’t go beyond that (at least I hope not). Either way though, it doesn’t really matter. The way we feel for each other is what matters.

The key is that you need to change your perspective. Don’t take him withdrawing or spending time with his family as a personal attack. Would you really want to be with a man that didn’t put his whole world into his kids? Also…most men that I’ve come across take their work and their “life purpose” pretty damn seriously. In fact, if this part of their life gets off track, it will trump even their kids. That’s just the way it is. Being a supportive partner is really the way to be. Give him his space to let him get done what needs to get done.

I discovered that him withdrawing probably doesn’t mean that he’s with other women. My jealousy has subsided because I’ve changed my perspective. I get hit on a lot, and sometimes I’ll even flirt back; however I have no intention of getting even slightly romantic with these men. Not one of them. I am highly satisfied with my affair partner, and I love him to bits (sorry…I know that there’s a rule on here to say “care for,” not love…but holy hell…seriously? I love the guy.)

As far as feeling the need to define the relationship, that subsided too. I think the need to define it came because this whole long-term monogamous affair thing is uncharted territory. I felt like I was floundering, and I wanted to be able to build trust and a foundation. BUT this isn’t a normal relationship. Stop trying to make it one.

So then…what’s this “more” that you want? Have you figured it out? Are you actually looking to be his one and only, or are you looking for something else? Have you thought this through? Is “you wanting more” aligned with what he wants? Is it respectful of your specific rules for engaging in this secret monogamous affair?

For me…I just wanted to know that I was special for him, that he still yearned for me, that I was significant for him, and a priority at times. He even admittedly told me that he’s still trying to figure out how to communicate effectively that I am all of that for him, and I’m still trying to figure out how myself.

11 03 2016
Struggling

Thanks for sharing, it really helped reading that I am not alone in feeling this way. I greatly appreciate your story and have read it several times.

31 01 2016
Soromantic

Im with you Struggling. i cant stop thinking about this person and the part of the arrangement i don’t enjoy. i tried to end it over the holidays but we just couldn’t. i often wonder how life brings us these positions. a total amazing connection with a person you aren’t with. i try to tell myself not all relationships are supposed to be the way society tells us. that there is a reason for this form and shape. mine tells he he has the same confusion but i think he has found a way to box it up and put it away during our separations more. right now I’m trying to focus on myself. coming back to a very solid whole person with a lot of love to share. when i come to this from that perspective everything is ok. the distance is ok. the unusual arrangement is ok, the part time ness of it all is ok. relationships are for sharing not for making us complete and if we get to share with someone we love, we can be joyful. i like what larry said above, not letting the mind go to places it should not go. the natural progression is hard. there becomes a lack of growth when you cant take your love into the world. but there also becomes a creativity i suppose to grow within what you have. i don’t know. i seem to keep doing it, because not doing it feels worse. i want more time, thats all i know. losing it all cuts that time.

9 02 2016
daniela

I have been in a monogamous affair for about a year and a half. We are co-workers and started out as friends, got very close quickly, and are now in a “relationship.” I have been married for 18 years, he only 3, and just recently had a baby. My children are 9 and 7. I often feel the urge to leave my husband and in my heart I know that if he ever said – let’s get a divorce – I would in a heart beat to be with him – but I am far too risk averse to do it otherwise and just be a divorcee with nothing left. At times it is excruciating, as by nature I am a possessive person, so I have to keep telling myself – let it go, let it go…he doesn’t belong to me and that’s not what he wants. But my heart aches and my marriage has gotten much worse because of this. I’ve also thought to end the affair, but the one time I tried we were both miserable. It has become a purgatory for me and I know at some point I will have to make a decision that tears me apart either way.

9 02 2016
Larry

Hello Daniela and thank you for sharing of your story. Each story is different and yet each story has some parallel elements to it all.

I understand where you’re coming from, but if you read my writings you’ll see that my take is that a Monogamous Affair is wonderful just the way it is: an Affair. When people try to substitute a spouse for another, transforming themselves from Lovers into spouses; more often than not it all comes crumbling down, the excitement is replaced by monotony. I don’t know why and I don’t have a good explanation, it just does.

Of course this is your life, and while you can listen to anyone willing to give you advice, at the end of the day you and only you are the one that has to make the decisions according to what you think is best for you.

Have you tried to approach the subject with your lover?

Make sure you also read my latest article “Having LESS by wanting MORE” that was inspired by stories like yours.

Wishing you all the best.

19 02 2016
clare

I have been with my husband for 16 years, we have 2 beaitiful children he is a good man, a good provider but tends to take me for granted and can be very neglectful, believing a woman should care for her man, look after children, house etc. I am a professional woman who dreams of a life where my husband is my partner 50/50 and all that. I am a very passionate person, and love open communication, long talks, discussing feelings etc, he does not feel people need to discuss such things.
My monogamous long-term affair began almost 2 years ago with my husbands best friend; the husband of my best friend. After my mother passed I shut down for almost a year, withdrew completely from my life. My husband was there for me in the sense he picked up the slack but he wasnt there for me emotionally. My mom had been my best friend and we talked about 4-5 times a day, I saw her everyday, she was the one i talked feelings and all the little unimportant gibber jabber stuff. When she died my world went silent for nearly a year until my husbands best friend experienced a loss and asked if I minded talking to him about my experience, to help him understand his grief. This was the beginning of a blossoming best friendship. Suddenly I had someone to talk to and I found he was surprisingly very similar to me in that respect, he loved to chat, he loved those long feelings filled conversations. His wife was like my husband and didn’t do the whole open communication thing. It was like waking from a long hybernation. We spent hours talking and texting and laughing … I was laughing again!!
Then one night when we were arguing over some ridiculous song (all in fun) our eyes locked and he kissed me. There has been no turning back, I am madly in love with my best friend and being so close to his wife and their children I have no desire to split their marriage up, as he has no desire to split mine up. Neither of our spouses are very sexual, where as the two of us very much are, and we are very compatible in likes and dislikes. We are connected on every level and complete parts of each others lives where our marriages were lacking. I love my husband and he loves his wife and we love each others families. Going on two years and I cannot imagine my life without him in it, and our marriages would not survive without this friendship. I have felt the guilt and read all the literature about “being a statistic” “midlife crisis” etc etc but its not just about sex , I respect this man and enjoy his company outside of our affair, we have been friends for many many years and I look forward to many many more. Thank-you for your insight and making me realize that I am not alone, I am not a freak for wanting both men in my life to complete me.

19 02 2016
Larry

Clare, thank you for sharing of your wonderful story.
Affairs are never just about sex, they are about a lot more than just sex, but about sex too.
You and your lover are friends, and that’s how all relationships should be, friends, best friends, and then more; if there’s no friendship how can there be the more that a relationship should offer? A Monogamous Affair done well will provide the friendship and more, just like yours does.
Enjoy!

11 03 2016
Cornuni

About 9 months ago, my affair partner of almost 7 years decided to take a job out of state (way out of state) and move with his family there. They bought a house, and he committed to staying there for a few years. I felt crushed and confused. I felt lost because I thought our relationship (and me) weighed in a bit more for him. And then I felt angry because, once again, it was a painful lesson to learn that I was giving too much to this affair.

We still talk during his commute home almost every week day. We’ve managed to see each other a few times since he’s been there as well. For the most part, I think I’m healing and learning to not take his move there personally. I want him to succeed in this strategic career move so badly. He felt so unbalanced and unfulfilled in his work before, and it seems like he’s more at ease now…on track.

But then on days like today, I just miss him. Being on the heels of a weekend together it is especially hard because I know I won’t see him for a few months. It is days like today that I am reminded of how insignificant I must be for him. I guess I’m just not over him moving, or perhaps I just feel depressed knowing how long it will be until I see him again.

Why would he choose that?

11 03 2016
Larry

You ask Why would he choose that?.
Hard to say. Did you ask him?
A marriage is a marriage.
A Monogamous Affair is a Monogamous Affair.
They are two different things, two different situations, two different places so to speak.
There are encumberments that are part of the marriage that are not part of an affair; and that’s what makes and affair, especially a Monogamous Affair a place to relax and enjoy, a world on its own carved out from reality where two lovers can find themselves and get lost in the pleasure of each other arms.

I am sure it was hard for you and it’s still hard. And I am also sure that it’s hard for him as well.

Are the two of you still involved in your Affair?

13 03 2016
L

Thanks for all your words, Larry. So yes – we’re still involved. I was really on the fence about staying together, but ultimately decided that I would take a leap of faith and give the long distance thing a try.

I actually did ask him why he would choose to leave. He mentioned that he didn’t think it would change things at all…if anything, we’d be able to have better quality of time when we are able to get together – more evenings, more sex, more moments. He also told me that he had no idea how much it would impact me. (Which I was a bit confused by as well.) We’ve had the conversation probably too many times. I felt surprised that he would risk losing me in order to move out of state for his spouse. It was a bit of a gut punch. The move changes the logistics of things, but not the order of things.

I guess the thing that is the hardest to admit is that his involvement in my life and my involvement in his are probably quite different, and that can even change from day to day. He has told me before that he looks forward to chatting with me every day. If he hasn’t heard from me, he gets a bit obsessed, that he thinks of me often. Yet there are days that I might not hear from him at all. He says all these things – great with words that one – but then his actions just aren’t consistent.

When my husband was pushing to move out of state, I basically killed the idea. I’m the big bread winner at home, so it was easy. I wanted to stay in state because my life with my affair partner is here. My affair partner though…he’s the sole bread winner as well. His wife picked a place to move, and he felt like it made sense to at least explore the idea to make her feel happy. He didn’t expect that it would actually happen (says the guy that hired a recruiter). He liked the prospect though – it was fun for him to look into moving. He’s happy about where he found a job, and he’s happy with where he moved.

So there it is. Of course I was devastated. He even brought his job offer to me and asked me about it. But what could I say? I did the right thing – I told him he should go for it. It was a huge career move. I will not be the cause of regret for him. I had seen his torment and dissatisfaction with his current career path. I want him to be successful. He’s so talented.

He wasn’t really asking me though, he was telling me. He’d discussed it with his wife already. She was excited, so was he. In the beginning he said he’d be out there a year, two at the most. Now it’s three. He told me that he doesn’t ever want to move back…that I’m the only reason he wants to be here at all. When he’s ready to move jobs again, he’s even mentioned moving to another state…further away…it’s so confusing.

I naively thought that I was just more of a pull for him…that I was more significant. Sometimes I’ve mentioned it to him saying something like, “I know what I am and I know what I’m not.” He hates that tremendously, and yet if I was truly something so special to him, why did he even entertain the idea to move to a different time zone in the first place?

Right after he moved, I sort of just took a huge step back. It was the first time in awhile that I decided to let my husband be my all for me, and we have been having a blast together. I also worked on trying to match the efforts of my affair partner a bit more. That part will continue to be a struggle for me. I adore him.

I’m trying SO hard to just look ahead. I don’t want our conversations together to feel like me hounding him for moving. We’ve discussed it already. Nothing can change. It’s just a reality now. I’m sure he already feels guilty and sad. Who wants to have a conversation with someone when the topic is guilt and depression? That just sounds awful. So I support him. I encourage him. I love hearing about his successes at work. It sounds like he is on a path that he is content with. I’m proud of him.

But how can this long distance thing even work? When it comes to monogamous affairs, and if I am supposed to be his “exciting outlet,” how can that even be accomplished from so far away?

Hard? Yes. It feels impossible. He is gone. I get to touch him four times a year, if we’re lucky. The chances of him moving back here are bleak.

I would love to hear more perspectives.

13 03 2016
Larry

Dear L. to me you sound like you had the perfect Monogamous Affair. But now with the Long Distance comes the log time periods without face-to-face contact, and that’s hard, very hard with any type of relationship.

He had to do what he had to do.

Now it’s up to you to decide what to do: do nothing and continue to have the connection long distance, and the occasional meeting with longer periods. No need to make any drastic decisions now; but you always have control of your life, you decide to continue the Affair, that is your decision; you decide to end it, that’s also your decision.

You know that I believe in Monogamous Affairs, which means committed single Lover affairs. Are you still committed to him that way? Is he? Have you asked him? Have you and him talked about it?

14 03 2016
Cornuni

So yes. I’m committed to him that way. I feel so content with him, and haven’t been interested in anyone else. He still lights me on fire, just as always.

Him? I honestly don’t know. I would like to believe that he and I are in a monogamous affair. I definitely choose to believe that. I know that he cares for me, and I know that he puts in effort to make sure that we’re still in constant contact with one another. It feels like it is monogamous.

Have I asked him before? Yes. When the long-distance thing was feeling stale and predictable, and when I felt more like an obligation than an adventure, I brought it up. I don’t want to be one of many. If ever the excitement is gone there, I think it will be best if we just walk away. Being far away from each other, it is definitely difficult to fill whatever void we were/are both looking for. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were to find someone closer and more convenient to help fill that void. But perhaps this is enough for him.

It’s one of those conversations that I don’t like to bring up very often. I don’t feel a constant need to define where the relationship is, but when I feel like something is wrong, and the feeling persists, I’ll mention it. I probably bring it up 3 or 4 times a year…probably too frequently for comfort. The most we can do is reassure one another, and then hope that the other trusts that the passion is alive and the relationship is healthy.

As far as what to “do,” I would say that sometimes I definitely feel like I need to “do” something, but most of the time I would rather just be than do. I like to relax into the relationship as much as possible. Sometimes I wonder though if I still have complete control over my actions in this relationship. I’m so hopelessly addicted to it. Do you truly think that these monogamous affairs are healthy and sustaining for years at a time? I’ve been in mine for almost 7 years, and I question that at times…

14 03 2016
Larry

To your question Do you truly think that these monogamous affairs are healthy and sustaining for years at a time? my answer is YES!

I do believe that. I also believe that relationships should be ended before they get to the point of detriment; especially Monogamous Affairs, when they stop being fun, when there’s no more sparkle, it’s time to end. This way the two party will miss each other and the good times, without any harsh feelings toward each other.

11 03 2016
lan

I am thankful to hear everyone’s comments. I just reconnected with a guy from college. We are both married and have small children, we found out that we live close by and have a lot in common. We spent all night talking and there was a strong connection. We exchanged #s and have been txting. We are trying to meet up next week. I can’t stop thinking about him and can’t wait to see him. We both said that night that we do not want to harm our families/marriages as we both love our situations. Does this seem like it is leading to a Monogamous Affair?

11 03 2016
Larry

Dear Lan: so you’ve reconnected with a guy, spend all night talking, maybe more than talking, and now you can’t stop thinking about him and you’re trying to get together, again. And you both don’t want to harm your families/marriages as you both love your situations. Sounds like you have the premises of a Monogamous Affair; so I suggest that you enjoy things as they come, read my suggestions for the Rules and Logistics for a Monogamous Affair, and most importantly talk with your Lover about mutual expectations; so that you are on the same page, today, and for many years to come.

Enjoy it!

13 03 2016
Lan

Thank you! I will keep you posted. Your advice here is very straight forward and I appreciate it.

14 03 2016
Cornuni

Larry: I decided to read all of your responses to this ridiculously long 6 year thread. Wow! It was quite eye opening for me. Your last comment to me was as well. I think the times that I feel the worst are the times when I start wanting something more, something bigger. Not wanting…that is too gentle…I feel entitled to it, like a selfish person…nay, like a 25 year old millennial that writes a letter to the CEO at Yelp on her Twitter account (shudders).

And let me clarify, because I feel like so many people in these monogamous relationships get caught up in this trap. When I say “more” it doesn’t mean that I want to abandon my family for my lover. “More” in this sense means that I am giving into a relationship and I expect some sort of “in kind” reciprocation. It sneaks up on me ever so slyly. I feel like I’m giving freely, but really I want him to give and care in the some of the same ways (or at least that’s where my mind gets trapped from time to time).

The reality is that he doesn’t show that he cares in the same ways, and I really quite like that about him. I’m still trying to figure out what those ways are, but I imagine it will be amazing when I finally do. I don’t want to be with a clone of myself, I want to be with him. He is ever mysterious and a challenge for me. I continue to discover more and more about him. And he, the poor guy, has to listen to my sad and embarrassing emotional meltdowns from time to time. I feel like such a cliche right now.

Thank you for this site, Larry. Thank you for challenging my perspective. I needed the tough love.

21 03 2016
Lan

I still have not met up with my guy, seeing him tomorrow. It has been almost a month and I think about him a lot. We have been texting a bit. I can’t wait to see him and same with him. I am nervous however as to where this is heading. I can’t stop at this point, too much build up, but don’t want to feel guilty about my husband. I really love him, but like many others on this site have had a spark ignited in me with someone else.

21 03 2016
Larry

The excitement, the butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation, the longing: that’s what makes the Monogamous Affair so special.

Make sure you deal with the guilt, you don’t want the guilt from one side to ruin the other side.

Tomorrow is just tomorrow, be there with your whole self, enjoy what it is, a first encounter, hopefully one of many.

Let us know how it goes and best of luck to the both of you.

22 03 2016
Lan

We met up, it was really good to see him. I could tell we were both nervous. We actually did an activity where other people were around, so not much of a chance to really talk. It definitely confirmed a spark for me and a strong feeling of longing. We will probably make this a routine, I hope to see him next week again. I feel amazing after just seeing him/spending some time this am. I am wondering if he is feeling the same way? What do you think?

22 03 2016
Larry

So you had a date, and a good date.
How does he feel? Why don’t you ask him how he felt? Then you’ll know.

22 03 2016
Lan

I mean, we did an exercise class together. It was really great, he got there early so we could talk before and then we chatted for a few minutes after, I had to go quickly. He hugged me goodbye and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Said he will txt me and that we should do it again. I don’t know if I am ready to ask him how he is feeling….

22 03 2016
Larry

I see, so you got your feet wet with an easy social activity more than one-on-one. No need to ask him about his feeling, LOL that’s not exactly what I meant, but you can ask him if he enjoyed himself or something to that effect. Or don’t say anything. It was just the first meet, if he wants to see you again, and that’s what it sounds like, it’s good enough feedback.

As you go along, you’ll find out more and more about him, about yourself, and about the two of you together.

28 03 2016
Lan

I really love having this site to reference. You read so many opinions on how affairs ruin everyone’s lives, but you put it into great perspective. As I have written before, I feel as if there is a legitimate relationship forming, one that can enhance our lives. One thing I ask, some tips for not thinking conventionally? Sometimes my fear kicks in and I worry about everything ending in ruins…..

28 03 2016
Larry

Thank you Lan. Do affairs ruin everyone’s lives? At times.
This site is not about just any affairs, this site is about Monogamous Affairs, Monogamous and Committed Affairs, with the caveat to follow Rule #6 “Be smart, be prudent”.

It is my firm belief that a Monogamous Affair with the utmost attention on not getting caught can enhance not only the lives of the 2 lovers, but also the marriages and by ripple effect the lives of the spouses of the lovers.

Will the Affair eventually end? Maybe. Nobody knows.
Ending in ruins? Depends, you have control; as long as you are pragmatic about it, be open with your lover making sure you both want the same thing; and being smart and prudent not to get caught, I don’t see any way to ruin anything.

Tips on not thinking conventionally? When with your Lover, enjoy the Affair, enjoy your Lover, enjoy the Affair. When you’re not together, just continue living your life. Nobody needs to know, nobody is judge nor jury, not even yourself.

Just enjoy it.

10 04 2016
Cornuni

“Not thinking conventionally” – I would say that you’re probably going to have to experience this for yourself in order to figure out what works best for you. I have been caught in that trap from time to time, but truly it depends on the dynamic of your relationship.

One of the things that keeps my relationship so exciting to me is when I don’t obsess over it – truly, that’s what works. You need to be present in what you are doing always. If you’re with your family, be there. If you’re at work, be there. Unfortunately, your affair partner cannot be your first priority. THAT is what makes those lines fuzzy. Try not to let your mind wander to him all the time. I know that sounds impossible at times, but it is what keeps me sane. Take care of you and yours first. It helps your mind separate the fiction from the non-fiction. It helps you cherish all the parts of your life and stay balanced.

If you start getting too caught up in the fantasy, you start wanting that more, and, to be honest, it’s an unhealthy mind space. It can easily go from desire to torment. If you feel yourself slipping into the daydreams, just take a deep breath and force yourself to focus on you first. Tackle your to-do list, take a class, start a project, go on a day trip with your family, get to the gym, work in the garden…just do something you love, and stay focused on that and only that.

…and then, when you are with him – revel in it. Take it all in, drink it up. It is a delicious moment. And then get back to life. The next moment will come soon.

16 04 2016
PAP

I have been married for 8 years….my marriage resulted from a 4 year monogamous affair. We divorced our respective spouses and married each other 4 yrs later. We have since been seemingly happy. However, i have not been happy for a while, as i started feeling like i lost myself. In the search for myself i met a man 12 yrs younger than me. We work in the same building. He is in a long term relationship but not married. He lives alone….
We met a little over 2 months ago….he pursued me very hard and we had sex within 3 weeks as my husband was out of town and that presented the perfect opportunity for us. He stated to me that he wants us to be best friends and wants this to be a long lasting relationship and i agreed as i feel and want the same. I even advised him that my husband is planning to move us to another state and he said he would visit me wherever i am. In these 2 months we have managed to see each other several times, we talk almost every day during the day via instant messaging at work. We have not had sex again as when we meet we don’t have much time and spend that time in his car. We see each other at work about once a week for a brief hug and kiss.
My dilemma or should i say fear is that he is not as interested in me as i am i him. He seems to be an expert at this and coaches me along advising me that i have to be patient and appreciate what we have. He hardly reaches out to me after work and says this is because i am not available to him and he is being precautious as to not get caught. In my mind i just think that he doesn’t want to reach out to me and uses precaution as an excuse. He goes away on some weekends and i don’t hear from him. Usually, if i reach out to him he responds….however this weekend i reached out go him and he has not responded, he is away, by the way. I am concerned because i just told him this week that i didn’t want to be married anymore and he encouraged me to stay i my marriage. That has made me feel like he doesn’t want me. In turn i asked him would he help me to stay i my marriage by being my private oasis…..he said he would be there for me, yet i haven’t heard from him this weekend and now I’m worried. I don’t wanna contact him again but i don’t know what to do. I will be able to talk to him at work on Monday if he goes in.
My question is am i overreacting? Am i letting my anxiety and fears get the best of me? I really want this to last and be special for the both of us. However, i am really afraid that he has changed his mind about me and our relationship.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
PAP

16 04 2016
Larry

Dear PAP. Thank you for sharing of your story. Everyone’s story helps everyone else. Even just knowing that what we experience individually is also experienced by other people brings comfort to many.

You asked if you’re overreacing? And the answer is that nobody knows. If you ask me, the answer that I can give you is in line with what I have written before in my articles and my responses: having an Affair is also about being patient, it’s about appreciate and cherish what we have, and being very careful about wanting more, more in terms of more time, and more in terms of a more legit relationship.

Like you mentioned, and I agree wholeheartedly, a Monogamous Affair can help us remain married; it creates an oasis – like you say – where we can seek refuge, and where we can have a great time.

From what you write I gather that you have a good time when the two of you are together, either physically or at least in contact; but when he goes radio silent, you have trouble coping with the absence.

The solution is within you, within each one of us: we all need to have and live our own life, and then a relationship, any relationship becomes a very welcome add-on to our life, an add-on that enhances our life, not something that drags us down. I know it’s not an easy thing to achieve, but it is something we should all try to have.

If you need more from your lover, just talk with him and see. You know from my writings that I am a big fan of being prudent, no need to jeopardize the delicate balance of two marriages; with careful planning you can have your Monogamous Affair that makes your life a lot better.

Did you read my article Having LESS by wanting MORE?

It is human nature to want more when we have something good. But at the same time the anticipation and the longing are part of what makes a Monogamous Affair so special, so when you finally see each other, it’s a cause for celebration and excitement. Each and every time.

I hope this helped.

23 04 2016
LAN

I need tips on not getting too carried away and keeping things at a good/even level. In the beginning phases and feel like I can’t think about anything else.

23 04 2016
Larry

Hello LAN, thank you for stopping by.
Let’s see, you met someone that you are so fond of that you have started an affair, and you can think about anything else. In my book that’s normal. You found something good, something exciting, so you are thrilled and excited. Perfectl normal behavior, and one of the benefits of a Monogamous Affair.

Not sure what you mean by getting too carried away. Enjoy the Monogamous Affair as-is, the missing the other person, the missing the time together, the longing for the next encounter, the fantasizing about what will happen and how it will happen is all part of the enjoyment of the Monogamous Affair.

Once we find something good in our life, it’s perfectly normal to be wanting it, and wanting it more. Make sure that you understand the difference between wanting more of the same (good), and wanting something different than what you have (not good).

Good read: Having LESS by wanting MORE

10 05 2016
PAP

Larry, thanks for your reply….all your comments are greatly appreciated. I would like some more guidance and insight. I am now in month 3 of this affair and for whatever reason, I am still full of concerns and insecurities. He is pretty consistent as far as responding is concerned. However, he doesn’t really reach out to me first. I am always the one initiating contact and if I ask why is this he will always state that it is because he wants to be precautious. I don’t really believe this. I don’t know why, I think it is my insecurities. I continue to want and expect more from him. I have read your article about Having Less by wanting More and it is really on point…however, I cant seem to control myself from wanting more. I enjoy my affair partner so much that I would like to spend more time with him. My husband has become suspicious and I have advised my partner and he continues to tell me that he doesn’t want my life going upside down because of him. I have explained to him that I have control over my situation but I think he is afraid.

At this point I am seeking advice as to how I can insure to keep my affair partner’s interest. I don’t want to scare him away by being too needy however, I do want to make what I want from him clear. He continues to tell me that if we want this to last we have to be discreet and I am being as discreet as I know how to be. My questing at this point is how can I trust that he will be there for me when I need him the most. I am so afraid of losing contact with him and he losing interest in me. Because of this fear I contact him almost every day…as I stated he responds almost every time.

I want to have a talk with him about our relationship but am afraid to do it via text or instant messaging because I want to make sure my point comes across right. I have noticed that at times he will not respond to certain questions or comments that I make about our situation.

My biggest fear is that I may be in way over my head with this individual and that I will end up hurt and longing for him for a very long time. I know I could just move on but I don’t want to. I feel I have found something/someone special and want to keep him in my life.

I constantly find myself thinking about him, especially when I am with my husband. All is well with my husband and I at this point in time. He has been a wonderful husband however, I enjoy my affair partner so much more at this time.

I am asking for any and all advice as to how I can make this work for the both of us long term. I don’t want to lose what I have.

Thanks again,

PAP

10 05 2016
Larry

Dearest PAP. You’re not along. What you’re going through is common, very common. Most of it is not about the Monogamous Affair, but it’s about you and your insecurities. You ask me for advice and I will give you my advice: Just don’t.
Don’t be insecure. In life we have no guarantees whatsoever, so just enjoy what you have, the relationship, and learn to enjoy the anticipation of your next encounter.
Will he lose interest in you? Nobody can know that.
My take is that nobody ever leaves something good. Wouldn’t you agree with me?
Do read again the “Having LESS by wanting MORE” article, and also read the “Your Lover is not your Spouse” article too.
If you need to talk to him about the state of the relationship, what is that you expect from him, and your hopes for the future, by all means do that, but do that face-to-face over dinner or drinks or somewhere comfortable where you have plenty of time.
There’s wide grey area between caring for someone and being overwhelming; but we all have our own standard of measure. It’s not about you being too needy or insecure or otherwise, it’s about the two of you being compatible enough. If he’s not naturally inclined to give you what you need act the way you wish he acted, to me is a sign of incompatibility at some level; to me the solution is not compromise, compromise sucks because none of the parties get what they want, and they both lose.

Compared to most other types of relationships, a Monogamous Affair has periods of no face time; of anticipation, of longing. These periods make the times where you are face-to-face even more special. Make sure you spend that precious time together in the best possible way. If you need to have a talk, by all means have that talk.

But we don’t have control over the way other people will react to our actions. At the same time you must be yourself, and who what is that you want and need. And if this leads to a termination of the relationship, so be it. Celebrate the time you had together, celebrate the memories, celebrate the relationship before these issues creep up and ruin it all.

P.S.: did you read “The Perfect Relationship”?

27 05 2016
PAP

Larry, thanks again for all the insight. I have read all the articles and they are very helpful. However, i now come to this site with somewhat of a dilemma. I have not followed all the rules for a good affair and am now suffering some repercussions and would some advice and perhaps guidance to try and solve/fix my dilemma. My affair partner and i work in the same building for the same employer, mistake number 1. Therefore, he has been very concerned and adamant about keeping this from others at work. Mistake number 2 was i shared information about my affair with a coworker, never mentioning any names.
So my affair partner went on vacation this week and i waited to hear from him. Well when he texted me it was not to say he missed me but to tell that someone told him that i shared how close we are with another coworker. Of course he is upset about it and told me he may not be able to continue this because he did not want this to get out. Needless, to say i tried to explain to him that i did not tell my coworker that i was close to him and do not understand why this person is spreading this gossip.
I am writing you for advice because i have no where to turn or no one to talk to about this. At this point I dont know what to do. He is still on vacation and i havent really heard from him since. I expressed my sentiments to him letting him know how much he means to me. I told him the ball is in his court and that i would wait to hear from him. One of his last statements to me was that i have to learn to keep things to myself forever. So i am now confused not knowing if he wants to end this or not. I have tried to keep myself from reaching out to him. I am hurt and very upset and couldnt stand the wait so I texted him after 2 days. It was a short text where i just expressed to him that i missed him.
Again, i am just seeking some advice and perhaps guidance because i am really heartbroken by this as i never wanted something like this to happen and i am not ready for this to end so soon and abruptly.
So please, i will greatly appreciate any words of wisdom as well as your opinion as to what i should expect from him. Could this possibly be the end? What is the likelihood that i will hear from him again? Is there anything i could/should do to make sure he continues?
As usual any advice is welcome and greatly appreciated.
Than You, PAP

27 05 2016
Larry

Dear PAP: I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, I really am. I have read your comment three times and I have thought long and hard before posting a reply, I wanted to make sure I was giving you something useful, this is the best that I can come up with.

First and foremost, don’t beat yourself too much or too hard. We all make small mistakes in life, at times nothing happens, at times there are some unforeseen ripple effects beyond our control.

You fell for someone who happens to work at your same company. You had no control over it. It’s done. No regrets there.

You confided with someone who reveled herself not to be as good of a friend as you thought. We have all done that at some point in our life. Lesson learned for you and for me and for everyone else. It hurts, but it’s done.

Last but not least: you and your Lover. You want the Monogamous Affair to continue, you have learned your lesson; but he’s not as forthcoming as you wish he was. He’s probably just as confused and conflicted as you are, probably more. As much as you are hurt, put yourself in his shoes: he didn’t do anything; and he’s probably wandering how much he can trust you. I am not saying that you’re not trustworthy and that you have not learned the lesson, I am sure you are and you have; I am saying that those thoughts are in his mind right now. He’s confused and conflicted because his emotional self, the one who is so very much into you and who enjoys the Monogamous Affair and your company wishes that all this misunderstanding never happened and things were to continue just as they have been, better and more. However his rational self can’t help but go into disaster prevention mode; while you have the Perfect Relationship, a Lover is not a spouse, and when one of the 2 lover is faced with a choice between the Monogamous Affair and the marriage, more often then not they will sacrifice the Monogamous Affair in order to save, or have the illusion of saving, the marriage. he now feels that his marriage has been threatened, and he needs to do whatever is in his power to save that marriage, no matter how bad the marriage is. And putting distance and buying time is an easy solution; at least for now.

I have stated this before in my articles and in my comments: we have no control whatsoever over the behavior of other people. So giving his space and time is the only logical step that you can do. He’s on vacation and you have the long weekend ahead of you. If he decides to continue the Monogamous Affair with you, you’ll hear from him. If he decides to terminate it, you’ll hear from him. If he decides that he needs time, you’ll hear from him. So, sooner or later you’ll hear from him, the only unknown is when. I understand it’s not pleasant, waiting with no timeline of how long to wait and what the outcome will be; but you have no choice and no control over it. What you have choice and control is how you live your life each and every day. So, live your life, enjoy today and tomorrow, and each and every day. It’s your life.

That’s all I have for you. Hope this helps.

26 05 2016
Lan

Larry and others on here:
I have some questions about the progression of you affairs. How long did it take for you and your lover to aknowlegde what was going on? How often did you see them in the first few weeks, months ect? When did you first get physical? How did that discussion go/how did you plan it? Just curious since I have been talking to someone but not sure where it is going, it has been difficult to schedule getting together lately and not sure when we will solidify that this is a relationship. Definitely feelings there and great when we are face to face.
Thanks

26 05 2016
Larry

Hello Lan. That’s a good question, but there’s not 1 fixed answer for that. I can only offer my perspective based on my experience, direct and indirect experience.

A Monogamous Affair is a relationship, just like any other relationship; with the caveat that both parties must be discreet.

Now, at times two people who were not looking just find themselves in that state where they never thought they would be, not only attracted to someone other then their spouses, but contemplating crossing the point of no return so to speak. That happened to me in my first affair, it was the first for me and for her as well. It was long time ago, but we flirted for months, it all seemed innocent, but then looking in retrospect it the combination of attraction and denial. I don’t remember the timeline exactly but from meeting for the first time to our first kiss it was about 1 year, give or take. Keep in mind that during this year we were business acquaintances, getting closer and closer, till we got so close that we surprised ourselves by finding ourselves into each other arms, locked in a passionate kiss.

On the other hand of the spectrum, when two people meet and they were looking for a Monogamous Affair, the flirting and conversation happens at a fast pace, there’s passion, curiosity, surprise, excitement, and if all the planets align, things can be fast, very fast, as fast as one day.. probably a couple of weeks is more likely.

So, to summarize it to you: it all depends.

I am not sure what you mean by aknowlegde, maybe in your case things are not moving as fast as you wish?

Just talk with your partner, maybe it will just be an emotional affair.

27 05 2016
PAP

Larry…Thank you so much for your comments and insight. I must say to you that this site has been like a God sent to me. It is definitely a place where i can come to and find some solace. I agree with u our comments wholeheartedly. I have learned such a valuable lesson of trust and have grown some in this short period. I know i cannot change the past therefore, i will not dwell on it.
I must say that you were spot on and i have heard from my lover today. He did not mention the incident and neither did i. We had a brief but pleasant conversation and i now feel much better although, i am still not sure if he wants to continue our intimate relationship.
Either i am just happy that he contacted me. I think its a very positive step forward and i am gonna make sure not to take care any of this for granted. I plan on enjoying this weekend to the fullest with my spouse and anxiously wait for the day when i can be in his arms again.
If given the opportunity to continue, from this moment on i will keep this beautiful secret to myself even though i wan to shout to the entire world how happy i am that i have the best of both worlds.
Thanks qgain Larry for this wonderful site.

PAP

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