About Monogamous Affairs

So many questions, so little time.

First of all let me welcome to this slice of the world, chances are that you are here not for one reason, not one big reason, but for a multitude of small reasons, and I bet that you and I share most of them; while each one of us retains our own subjective reasons.

You are here because you are curious, curious about life and about what this is all about.  I don’t have the answers for you, nobody does, only you might attempt to satisfy those questions.  But I can try to address some of the questions that have brought you here, because they are the questions that lead me here too, and a F.A.Q. is the most expedient format:

  • Q.: What’s a Monogamous Affair?
    A.: It is what it sounds like, a long term relationship between a man and a woman who are both married, but not to each other.
    If you look at the culture, literature, the pre-sexual revolution of the 70’s you will find references, anecdotes and empirics that long term Monogamous Affairs were common, and often were credited with keeping marriages afloat at a time when the divorce rates were practically insignificant.
    To this day in modern France love between a married couple means to do everything that is possible so that the other person can life a fulfilling life, and it that means that the other person is going to engage in a long term discreet relationship with another person so be it, while not promoted or encouraged, it passes under the radar, similar to the US version of the “don’t ask don’t tell” unwritten rule.  That’s why there’s a worldwide understanding that in France everyone has a lover.  To a certain extend the same is true in the United Kingdom, we all know about Charles and Camilla, no matter what you might think because of the distortion of tabloid news, the two of them have been lovers for a very long time, as discreet as they possibly be given their circumstances, and happily so.  A true Monogamous Affair.
    Clotaire Rapaille touches on this in his landmark book The Culture Code, a must read for anyone who wants to live an open minded life.
  • Q.: Why Monogamous?
    A.: It’s a choice, surely you can have a series of short term affairs, or multiple affairs at the same time.  If that is what you are looking for, this is not the right place for you.
  • Q.: Why Long Term?
    A.: If something’s good, why end it?
  • Q.: Isn’t that cheating?
    A.: Society would call it so. Just words, just points of views.
  • Q.: This is about sex, isn’t it?
    A.: A Monogamous Affair is not just about sex.   A Monogamous Affair is about two individuals complementing and enhancing each other’s life in order to reach new level of joy, bliss and happiness.  Yes it is also about sex, it is after all a romantic relationship, not a platonic one, but it is not a sexual relationship like Bill and Monica, that is something else altogether. You know that.
  • Q.: If two people are having an affair, and it is a long term one, why not get divorced from their spouses and get married?
    A.:  If that’s what they want, sure!  While “Never say Never” this is not meant for those individuals who want to replace their present marriage with another marriage.
  • Q.: Why?
    A.:  There are hundreds if not thousands of reasons, this might be for you, or might not be for you.  Keep on reading, hand out, comment, post, participate and see if this works for you.
  • Q.: Who are you?
    A.: I am a man, a guy.
  • Q.: Are you married?
    A.: Yes I am.
  • Q.: Are you having an affair on your wife?
    A.: No.
  • Q.: Are you looking for an affair?
    A.:  I believe that a relationship is not something that one searches for, especially a monogamous affair, but it is something that one can be open to, and yes I am open to embark into a monogamous affair with the right woman.
  • Q.: Have you had affairs before?
    A.: Yes.
  • Q.: How many?
    A.: Two.
  • Q.: Why did they end?
    A.: The first one she moved away, the second one she wanted a replacement for her husband.
  • Q.: Were both of your affairs monogamous affairs?
    A.: Yes they were.  I come up with the definition of Monogamous Affair after the first affair ended.  When I entered into the first affair it was the first time I had an affair, and it was the same for her.  Starting the affair was not an easy decision to make, but we did make it, and we decided that it would be an exclusive affair.
  • Q.: And how about the second affair, can you be more specific on why that ended?
    A.: When she and I started seeing each other, she thought that her husband was boring and had let himself and the marriage go.  Fast forward 3 years and she realized that her husband was a jerk and she wanted more from life, and from a marriage. Her husband didn’t change, she did.
  • Q.: Your affair lasted 3 years? How about the first one?
    A.:  Yes my second affair lasted almost 3 years. The first one lasted 2 years.
  • Q.: How long have you been married?
    A.: 15 years as of this writing (December 2010)
  • Q.:  How long into your marriage did you have the first affair?
    A.:  About 3 years.
  • Q.: How long between your first affair and your second one?
    A.: About 7 years.
  • Q.: How old are you?
    A.: 40something.
  • Q.: Where do you live?
    A.: Boston area.
  • Q.: What is the secret of a long term affair?
    A.: It varies from person to person, for me it all starts with being a Monogamous Affair, with the intention to be a Long Term Monogamous Affair.  This is the purpose of this site, I will post some of the caveats that worked in my Monogamous Affairs, if you have something positive to contribute I’d like to hear from you in comments and posts, together we can exchange ideas and create a sense of community where we can learn from each other experience.
  • Q.: What are the benefits of a Monogamous Affair?
    A.: The are many benefits that I have experienced first hands

    1. My marriage, and the marriages of my lovers have improved once we started the Monogamous Affair, and during the affair.
    2. I credit my Monogamous Affair for the fact that I am still married, and I consider being happily married, so does my wife.
    3. My first lover was depressed, she had been depressed all of her life, and she had been in therapy and medications all of her life. Her mother was depressed, and she had been in therapy and on medication all her life. So was my lover’s sister.  After we started seeing each other she was no longer depressed.  A few months into the affair her husband, her mother, her father, her sister and all of her friends told her “I have never seen you so happy”.  A few weeks later she quit medications, a few months later she quit therapy, and that I know of, she never went back into therapy or medication; her mom and sister were still depressed and in therapy and medication.
    4. You will rediscover yourself.  You will start things that you’ve always wanted to do.  These are some examples: volunteering, gym, jogging, train and run a triathlon, pick up photography, start art classes, star smiling more, people will say that you’ve blossomed and look radiant from the inside out, be more independent, eat better, enjoy life, watch more movies, watch less TV, read books you’ve always wanted to read, visit museums and art galleries.
    5. People will think you are more interesting, they will start using terms like intriguing, free spirited, and radiant when talking about you.
  • Q.: Is it possible to have a Monogamous Affair if one of the two is not married?
    A.: Not really.  There are many commonalities to a true Monogamous Affair, an Affair between two people who are both married that bond the couple together: the secrecy, the having too much to loose, the commonalities of schedules, the necessity to be monogamous, et . . . if one of the two is single, or separated, or divorced those items become causes of friction of separations instead of being bonding elements.

12 responses

29 07 2011
In defense of salsa dance – Part 2 « Monogamous Affairs

[...] About Monogamous Affairs [...]

23 05 2012
C.X.Love

Interesting to read this…I’ve been the “other woman” in quite a few of these

24 08 2012
Julie

I have a wonderful marriage but now that we are over 50 my husband has lost interest in sex.Thorough medical workup was negative, he is not interested in Viagra, he is just rather done with sex, which we do a few times per month at best.

He understands that not getting my needs met destabilizes the relationship and suggested I undertake a long term, discreet affair, preferably out of town. We went to several marriage counselors who supported this idea, as our marriage is otherwise great, we have growing children, and do not want a divorce.

My work takes me back to my birth city once a month for a few days. I have thought about contacting a man I grew up with, who has been married for 30 years to a lovely woman who was the first girl he slept with. I liked him a lot as kids (we never dated) and he would be perfect for a permanent, discreet affair. We are from the same ethnic group that does not believe in divorce so he should be someone safe and non threatening to my marriage.

I know men are vulnerable at this age (his kids are grown, wife is sweet but not of his intellectual level, by now sex might have grown less frequent/less exciting). I do not want to selfishly go after my desires and harm his life.

I am disease free, safe, past menopause and cannot get pregnant, and only want the pleasure of his company one night a month. I don’t need to be taken out to dinner, don’t want his money/time/to disrupt his marriage. I have my own hotel room so he does not even have to spend money on that.
I will not call, email, or bother him in any way in between times. We shared wonderful good times as kids and really cared for each other, so we would have this extra dimension of true affection.

On the other hand, given our Catholic background, I would not in any way want to harm his life. Is it unreasonable to think his wife might be open to this, as a very safe, non threatening “release valve” for him? Should I leave him alone and try for one of those “married looking for an affair websites?” I really need affection with sex and would vastly prefer to engage with someone I know and already have fond feelings toward. My thought is that since he has only slept with one woman in his life (unless he has already had some extra marital liasons) this might be great for him, too?

14 10 2012
Bob Rido

Very interesting. I’m in a monogamous affair now. A lot of the points you made about the benefits of a mongamous affair are pretty accurate. I’m discovering the long lost passion that’s been bottled up inside of me and I like it.

4 11 2012
Jacques

Like Bob, I’m also in a monogamous affair and agree….many of the benefits you have described are true. The woman I have fallen in love with is twenty years younger than I, married to a good man with two small children. We both agree that we are happy in our marriages, if not satisfied. We have found in each other what has been missing in our lives. The hard part? Not being there when your “other” needs you. Knowing you will not be allowed visiting rights if something happens. Not being able to just call and speak to them when all you need is to hear their voice. Making this work requires an effort at insinuating new habits and patterns into your life so that you can carve out time for each other. This is not easy. Hardest of all is trying to keep your frustrations from overflowing into your “home” life. At the very least, you will have to admit to yourself that you do not hold the moral high ground by any stretch of the imagination…

Of course, I’m of French descent and lived the last 20 years in Europe….so call me “corrupted”.. but the moment I met this woman I love, I knew. It was as though we had always known each other but had been separated for a time….and now we had found each other again. She has transformed my life.

4 11 2012
suzi

Is your wife European also? Do you think you and your lover could introduce the thought to your spouses that love is not a pie with just so many slices, but infinite? Some of the greatest minds in the world with the biggest hearts, from Benjamin Franklin, Carl Jung, George Sand (a woman), Anais Nin and so many others understood that you cannot get everything from one person and had lifelong romantic relationships with more than one person, and loved both of these partners.
Getting unmet needs met by someone else can strengthen a marriage. Could your spouses come to understand that, so you no longer need to sneak around? Could you allow your spouse the same flexibility (ie I’ll watch the kids Tues evening so you can go out, and you can give me Wed evening)?

1 12 2013
Mrs. Fifty

Thanks for the great article. I’ve been with the same man now for 14 years. Our affair is beyond sex, we are truly deeply emotionally attached. We have been thru everything together. We do not allow our affair to enter into our homes. I have younger children. He is lifetime military. He is in wife #3. I can’t explain the why or how come, we can’t despite trying end it between us. We can finish each others sentences and speak daily for hours at times. He makes me smile and laugh. I’m not proud of myself. I’ve loved him since I was 23. He is 18 years older. We talk about everything, go places together, depending on where he is stationed see one another daily. Yes the intimacy for us both is so deep that our spouses can’t even come close, but its deeper than that. Every night we text good night I love you. I’ve been thru 17 deployments and 2 births with him. He has been my rock my best friend. I wish my marriage was healthy and happy, even if it was I don’t know if I could walk away. I’m not a homewrecker. I’m a woman who fell in love with a soldier who wasn’t married then. I look at him as the one who got away. I have no regrets. I never knew true love until he came into my life, he helps me see the forest thru the trees.
My husband had an affair with a coworker. I handled it in stride more upset that our children were exposed to it. That is what hurt the most. Its sad I trust my lover my best friend more than my spouse. But we are together for the kids. Sleep in seperate bedrooms. I think he is having another affair. If she can give him what I can’t then all I ask is keep it away from our kids.
Please don’t judge me you don’t know my story. I am proud of my lover of almost 15 years. No regrets. We have shared some of the best times of our lives together.
I joke I am going to write a book about us. I can’t imagine my life without him. Thanks for listening.

4 01 2014
heart of gold. and silver.

I have been married for almost 6 years, and have 2 children. I am deeply in love with my husband, and have a wonderful marriage which many people would be envious of. I have no complaints about him, or our life, aside from the fact it is full of monotony and all the boring things that come along with working full time and raising small children.
But behind all this, is a another man who is a huge part of my life. And no one knows about him. This is someone at my place of work (I work in a large hospital). About 2 years into my marriage, we started conversating, and flirting, which lead to exchanging emails of poems, quotes, thoughts on life, and eventually desires of each other. We started meeting secretly for nothing other than company and just became closer and closer.
Let me back up for a second and add that he is also happily married, with now 2 children of his own as well.
Anyway, my family and I moved out of town for a year. During that time, my he and I continued to exchange emails and occasional phone calls. We ended up moving back and I returned to my job.
I went through my second pregnancy with him, but it didn’t bother him. It didn’t stop us. He is one of my best friends.
Ever since i returned we have gotten closer and closer. We never even had actual full blown sex until a little over a year ago. It has been almost 4 years since we started talking. We both are on the same page as far as wanting to stay married and not interfere with raising our children. Our opportunities of seeing each other are few and far between, sometimes once a week sometimes we have to go a month in between. But we just get by with what we can.
There is such a weird dynamic in this relationship, I have a hard time understanding it, and how we can both have respect for our spouses and each other’s marriages but continue seeing each other and emailing regularly, usually almost every day. We have verbalized in round about ways that we love each other, but don’t ever say it up front as we know that would make things more difficult in the long run. But it is known, and felt. I cannot imagine my life without him. I don’t know how long this will last.. But it had never interfered with my marriage. This man just fills an empty void in my heart I didn’t even know was there. He makes me smile. We fit into each other’s lives so perfectly, so powerfully, it cannot be ignored.

4 01 2014
Larry

Thank you for your comment, yours is a wonderful story, and a great example of how a Monogamous Affair can enhance everyone’s life.

14 01 2014
Nicole

That’s so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

15 06 2014
sajf

I have been in a monogamous affair for the past 2.5 years. Married for along 6 years with 2 beautiful boys. I met my lover when he moved in next door. My husband and him are both military. I could feel the chemistry instantly. We flirted and found excuses to see each other and be near each other. Then we both discovered that our spouses were doing the same. It was hard to see my husband so into another woman, this wasn’t the first time I’ve caught him cheating and this wasn’t the first time my lovers wife cheated either. It was the fuel we needed to take our relationship to a physical level. We entered into this to just fill the sexual void in our marriages, bond, be each others companion but no plans of divorcing or marrying each other . . .

I have since moved away when my husband was stationed somewhere else. He has moved to a different location too but we are still in communication daily and see each other as often as we can. Our spouses and us are all friends, our children are friends. I never imagined my life would be like this. I was completely against cheating but that changed after difficulties with my husband’s fidelity and then meeting this amazing man. He’s older than me and I’m like a moth to a flame. We complete each other. We’ve tried to end the affair but we both always come back. There’s so much emotion and it’s hard to keep at bay when it’s all a secret. He’s my best friend. We both know each other better than anyone else does. Tell each other our most intimate secrets. But it’s just us.

It’s terribly hard. It’s terribly emotional. He’s very disciplined in not letting his emotions control him but I find it more difficult. I want to marry this man even though I know I never want to divorce my husband. We both love our kids too much and don’t want broken families. It’s sick and twisted but we are keeping our marriages alive this way. I hate it but it’s true.

If I could go back and erase this affair, I would. I’m so obsessed with him that I can’t function without him now. He loves me dearly and doesn’t want to lose me. But we know we can be together. I’m on a never say never cloud, maybe one day we will be. I would rather die than live without him. He’s my best secret. I have no doubt our affair will continue for many more years. He’s the love of my life. No one compares. But at the end of the day, my children’s happiness and his children’s happiness comes first. So our love will stay hidden. Don’t judge. Love is a beautiful thing. No marriage is perfect. I hate myself for making the decision to be in an affair, I greatly regret it. If I never did it, I’d never know what I was missing. Now I have the ache of months and months between his kiss, his touch . . . But it’s worth the wait. We are meant to be, even if it’s hard.

16 06 2014
MrsFifty

I completely understand what your going through
My affair with the same soldier has been 14 years long now
I can’t imagine life without him
His position and location currently does not allow physical but the emotional part is there we talk daily text and always say goodnight
I’m married unhappily together for our children sleep in different rooms. For sure our son is his our daughter might be from our affair something my husband knows. We were not married at the time just dating. He went to Korea before I knew I was pregnant.
I don’t know if we will ever test as my husband is her daddy, my affair well if she is his she is the greatest gift he has ever given me. I think it’s not in our nature to be with just one person we try our best though
I’ve failed miserably but I have a best friend from it possibly a child and i will love him till my last breath
Best wishes to you
Follow your heart

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